The Past Year

December 3, 2016. That is the day I broke my leg. At first (and for quite sometime, actually) I believed it was a "just" a broken leg and I'd be back to my plans for the summer with only a slight delay. Maybe it was a good thing I had no idea what I was in for.

As far as pilon fractures go, mine was far from the worst. Also not the best I've seen, but on the better end of them none the less. Sunday marked my one year anniversary since I broke my leg. At this point, other than a dissolvable stitch that's not quite dissolved yet, everything seems to be healing well now that the metal is out. I'm able to return to the gym (as long as I won't be on my feet all day - I found out the hard way that's still a limitation) and I'm able to start some serious rehabilitation. Things are progressing, and I'm hopeful that my recovery will be a good one, although I am doubtful that I will ever return to my previous normal - but as of right now, it seems the "new normal" will at least be one I can live with.

I'm just hoping I can wear those amazing heels I bought for last year's banquet and never got to wear. Not sure that will happen though :(

The break-versary was a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, I'm happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction, the infection doesn't seem to be remanifesting, and my ROM and strength are slowly but steadily improving. On the other hand, it's been a VERY long year, and there is at least another year of rehabilitation before I can safely assume that's all I can accomplish. Which means a lot of hard work, plenty of frustrations (I'm sure), and a willingness to keep going even when I just really don't want to.

Add in the stress over the past year. Sure, I'm coming out the other side, but to be honest, I don't think I've really come to terms with the amount of stress this ended up costing me. Some friendships were strengthened, some weakened. Some people I developed a greater respect for, some I lost respect for. Much of the year, I felt very, very alone. The struggle was mine, and mine alone, day in and day out. Add in the pressures, spoken and unspoken, self inflicted and not, in regards to my racing. It wasn't until the very end of the year that I finally cut myself some slack. There are some people who I don't think ever did cut me any slack. A few told me I was doing great just being out there. Many inferred that hopes were a lot higher than I was producing. And I was my own worst enemy in that regard.

I have gained a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations. Some of their situations are a million times worse than mine, but this experience opened that side of me in ways that I'm not sure anything else could have. I don't wish it on anyone, and I'd hope people can stay in their "it could be worse, we're praying for you" bubbles, but I have come to realize that those words are just that - empty words that sometimes actually cause a lot of pain. I may not be the biggest volunteer out there, I'll admit that I'm still too busy chasing my dreams, but if I ever tell anyone "it could be worse" again, someone please slap me. That is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who's in a difficult situation.

So a full year has past. This is far from "just a bad memory" and I'm reminded of it constantly, whether it's the nagging ache, a twitching muscle, the twinge while taking every single step....but, I'm walking, working out, and riding, and 2018 is looking like a much better year overall. I learned some very valuable life (and racing) lessons this year, and I am taking those and moving forward.

I think there are some things about myself, in terms of determination and passion, and a stubborness to keep going no matter what that I believe were character changing for me. It still feels like it's not a full fledged realization yet, but I can tell something related to that grew this past year, and I'm sure it will only help propel me forward.

"Final" Infectious Diseas Appointment

Yesterday I headed in to see my Infectious Diseases dr for what will (hopefully) be my final visit there.

I've been off the antibiotics for a month now (4 weeks), and nothing else was manifesting. The one small spot that was struggling to heal I believe was from a bit of dehiscement due to swelling and all the scar tissue in that area. I started supporting the skin there better, and it healed over and there's been zero drainage (even when there was it was like a drop on the bandaid after a more active day where things had swollen up).

The Dr. was pretty happy with everything and believes we should be in the clear. I asked about things to watch for, just in case, but my research had pretty much already revealed all of that. To quote the Dr, however:

"I'd be really surprised if this returns. We treated it really aggressively, and with the hardware out, it should be fine. You're not a high risk patient (no diabetes, smoking, and you're in good health overall), so I'd be really surprised if it ever came back."

Well, that's good news to hear. Granted, I've read enough about osteomyelitis to know that I can never consider myself 100% in the clear, and any weird issues in that area I need to keep an eye on and fight for proper diagnosis, but at least for now, it seems this may be a thing of the past.

My last doctor appointment is next week with my orthopedist, and I'm hoping that'll be the last time I have to see him - at least for this injury LOL!

Nearing the End *Hopefully*

It has been nearly 3 weeks since removing the hardware. The ID doc had me stop the oral antibiotics last Tuesday, which worked out well as I caught a stomach bug and wasn't keeping much down anyways that week.

All of the staples were removed, and things were looking pretty decent. There were a couple spots to keep an eye on, in particular a spot that looked like a bit of a blood blister, and one other spot that seemed to be struggling to heal 100% with swelling, but overall it looked good, so they were all removed.

It's been most of a week since then, and yesterday the scab that the blood blister was came off, and the skin underneath looked pretty good. The other little area seems to be healing fairly well as well, and made it through a long weekend at work without major incident.

I'm all signed up for the final round of the 2017 race season, and looking forward to getting back on a bike again after nearly a month off.

While I still have a "final" follow appointment next month with both my orthopedist and the ID doctor, it feels like this may finally be coming to a close. It will have been only a couple weeks shy of a full year from the day I broke my leg until my final doctor visits. I've learned a lot about a lot of things I didn't really want to know about, including pilon fractures, infections, osteomyelitis, IV antibiotics, PICC lines, multiple surgeries, external fixators, and the many things that go into all of those things including how to live alone with a broken leg.

It has been a long year. The good thing is, I've got pretty good use of my leg, and I'm able to start getting excited about the coming year and making plans on how I'm going to attack the next race season. The prospect is pretty exciting, and I'm glad to finally be excited about something with fewer "ifs" than I've had this entire year.

Small Hardware Store

So I headed in for surgery to remove the hardware on my leg this past Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I was the last scheduled surgery that day, and they were running behind. I didn't go in until after 7pm...so needless to say, it was a late night.

Things apparently went smoothly enough, however, and I was in recovery and thinking about leaving by 9:30pm, with a baggie full of hardware to take home. I was released with "weight bearing as tolerated" and a warning to be extremely cautious about a fall or hard hit due to the swiss cheese that would be my bones - but, according to the doc, "normal" activity wouldn't hurt it. No plans to be on a bike of any variety for a couple weeks, so no worries there, just being careful while navigating the world.

Now it's basically a wait and see if things heal up quickly and nicely or if the infection starts acting up again. Of course, I'm *hoping* it will clear up 100% now that the hardware is out. Obviously he didn't find more damage when he was in there, so it appears the antibiotics at least kept it suppressed - hopefully the slice n dice doesn't give it a chance to act up. Still on the oral antibiotics, and see the ID doc the day after my post-op follow up. I'm slightly stressed, but glad that hardware is out and looking forward to being able to move forward.

Since there wasn't a bunch of bone damage, I've got 3 weeks from now (3 1/2 from the surgery) to heal up before the next race round, so IF things go well, it looks like I just might be able to make the last race of the year.

Almost "Hardware Out" Time

Yesterday I headed in for my pre-op appointment for my hardware removal surgery in two weeks. By this time in two week I may be celebrating - or crying my eyes out. No idea which way that'll swing right now. The appointment went fine, but I'm ready to have this stuff out of my leg and at least give myself a fighting chance at beating this infection. It's not like it's manifesting externally at all - no swelling, redness, tenderness, even the miscoloration seems more like "normal" coloring for this kind of fracture than infection related - although, that being said, I've convinced myself some of it is infection related, which has me itching to get it out NOW.

Besides all of that though, things have been going fairly well. I'm back to working out, walking a couple miles is no big deal, I can even do some small hopping and short hobble runs. The rebuilding of the leg is slow, and my tendons and such are still needing to re-stretch out, but overall progress is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like (but I also know it's actually not too bad, technically speaking). Honestly, if I didn't KNOW there was an infection in there, and I wasn't taking a pill twice a day because of it, I'd be pretty happy with where things are at.

I've "met" a few people online who've had a pilon fracture that got infected - while I don't wish this on anyone, it's been nice to hear I'm not alone. These fractures are so rare to begin with, none the less when you add in the infection! None of them have lost their leg yet, and most still have hardware in there, so I'm crossing my fingers that this set back won't go the worst possible direction - still not counting on that, but sure am hoping for it.

Today is the second time I've worn my kitten heel shoes to work. Takes a little concentration, especially at first to not walk like a hobbled calf, but it's progress, and nice to feel like I at least "look" like a normal person (as long as no one looks too close at my scars).

Riding the leg is mixed, it definitely causes me problems on right hand corners, BUT, more time, rehab, strengthening, stretching, etc will help with the issues I'm experiencing.

Adding Activity Back

Part of me couldn't wait to get more active again. The other part of me was scared of it. Heck, there are still things I used to never give a thought to that I now find terrifying (like the idea of jumping - at all, in any way shape or form). Interesting how you just stop trusting your body so easily.

So, I picked some things I knew I could do. This past week I took my roommate's bicycle out for some paved trail rides. They were great workouts, and I was invigorated by just being outside and moving again. Breathing hard, and the hills sucked, but afterwards I felt amazing (even if I was cursing the long uphills during the ride and wondering how anyone found it "fun"). Tonight I'm scheduled to meet a friend/coworker to work out at his cross-fit gym. Sounds like it's a group-class, but "at your own pace" kind of thing. We shall see how that goes. With my inability to jump, hop, run, or jog it may be interesting to see just how limited I'm going to be. Granted, there are modifications I can work on - like a side to side (very) gentle hop I can do....stuff like that. Most things have to be modified - I can't do a normal squat or lunge, either, but those are still good exercises for me to do, so modify away I guess I will.

I'll admit I'm a bit worried about being frustrated by what I can't do...I know it's all self paced, but historically I've been one of the top women in most physical training groups I've been in. To be on the opposite end of the spectrum - well, I'm hoping it doesn't kill my motivation too much. Or make me push more than I should.

On the flip side, I know more activity is good for the leg. Everything points to the idea that it has turned a corner and is responding to more activity instead of more rest. But this is new territory for me - I've never been this hindered by an injury. I don't think the long term hindrance (other than what I would normally expect) will be that horrible (assuming, of course, the infection doesn't continue to be an issue).  Speaking of infections, that's the other reason I see more motion a good thing. Keep that blood flowing, get that ankle moving and encourage blood flow in that area. Stress the bone so it is in healing mode and gets more blood/nutrients than it otherwise might - and *hopefully* that will help kick this damn thing in the proverbial ass.

Of course, it may not. Things may still very much not go my way. And that little cloud just keeps on hanging around - partially because I'm so terrified of hearing bad news that I don't want to be ripped about by it if it comes to that. I'd rather be prepared for a worst case scenario - and in the meantime, I've at least drummed up some more motivation to fight a little harder for a better case scenario.

Infections and Pilons

I met with my orthopedist earlier this week and got the updated x-rays done. Basically, it boiled down to this: since the antibiotics are keeping the infection suppressed, and the x-rays look good, we can schedule the hardware removal around my schedule, no rush. If the x-rays looked like the infection was affecting the bone or healing at all, then that would be another matter. But, it doesn't appear that was the case, so I scheduled hardware removal for late September.

One of my main questions to him was how long I'd be looking at being laid up - his answer was a couple weeks, and that's mostly for the incision. He didn't seem too worried about the swiss cheese my leg would end up as, apparently fairly confident in my ability to heal that up in that timeframe.

So, I picked a date that worked with my jobs and race schedule, giving me 3 1/2 weeks to heal after surgery between a couple race rounds. Won't even miss a trackday if all goes with the current plan.

Obviously, I still have to very aware of infection possibles, and there's still a chance I won't kick it after the hardware is out. Or, it can resurface even 20+ years from now for no apparent reason. It's a concern the rest of my life. Guess if I didn't consider my long term health a concern before, this is a damn good reason to consider that now (I've always believed in living a healthier lifestyle, this just gives an even stronger reason).

For now I'm going to start working on getting my fitness back. Pretty sure I could handle an elliptical at this point, and I should head out hiking. I'm starting to settle into my "new" routine since I moved, and am hoping adding some more activity back will help not only with the physical rehab, but the mental as well.

My body will never be what it was...but, hopefully, I can find my new normal, accept it, and hit my goals still, even if not on the timeframe I'm still fighting for.

Return from Italy

On June 26th I had my first (hoping last, but that's yet to be determined) PICC line removed. That was a completely painless process, in fact (since I wasn't looking) I had no idea she had even removed it until she said she was done. No complications with the PICC this time around, so that was good.

I had my oral antibiotics in hand and was ready to head off to my Italy adventures, albeit a bit apprehensive about how well my leg would hold up.

Thankfully, the leg held up better than I expected. We did a LOT of walking around, a fair bit of hiking on uneven trails (which I discovered was GREAT for the leg) and overall it was a great trip. Towards the end of the week the leg was getting a little crankier, but by the time we got home after a couple easier days it was back to where it was most of the trip. Less pain and stiffness than I had been experiencing, with a significant increase in activity. Apparently my body was ready to be pushed a little harder, but until the trip, it's responses hadn't really supported that, so I hadn't done so.

Now that I'm back home, I've had to hit the ground running with a few crazy weeks following the trip. Fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of this is centered around riding and racing, which, right now, is a very mixed bag for me.

You see, I'm REALLY struggling with my riding and where I think I should be, where my sponsors think I should be, where my logic-brain says I should be, and where I actually am. The differences are pretty extreme, but it boils down to a simple fact of I'm bordering on being chronically cranky and downright depressed. Part of me knows I'll get to where I want to go, but most of me is struggling with the time involved.

First off, I'm mad about the set back in general. Even if I pull a miracle out of myself, there's been a big set back that I simply can't completely make up for no matter how hard I try. And I'm PISSED. Unspoken pressure from sponsors, friends, and competitors doesn't help me accept this. They've hung with me, but I can feel my status rapidly slipping into "red-headed stepchild" category, and too easily followed with a "buh-bye."

Add in my expectations for myself. Part of me is happy with the progress I've made, and my logic mind sits there and tells me I'm doing great. My racer-brain, however, simply cannot accept that I'm on a far superior machine and not even matching the times I was doing on my previous bike. My goals are not unreachable even now, but the delay in progress has me hating myself but refusing to quit all at the same time. I celebrate the small victories, while at the same time loathing what my leg has become. This dichotomy has my emotions on a roller coaster, and has me on the edge of tears day in and day out, usually never making it through without at least a moment of moist eyeballs.

The crazy busy schedule offers a mixed bag to the mix too - on the one hand, it keeps me busy and I don't get a ton of time to pout or bitch. On the other hand, I don't have time to just rest and relax and process things or gain perspective...just the opposite in fact, where it's constantly being thrown in my face what I cannot do instead of what I can.

Someone on one of my forums talked about comparing herself to the old self instead of comparing against who she is now. I realized that's a huge part of what I'm doing, but I find it nearly impossible NOT to do that, even though I know I shouldn't. It's really a struggle right now, especially when sponsors and such all compare you to where you were planning on going this year, not the present reality that is quite the diversion from the plan.

Then I have that nice little storm cloud that follows me around no matter how hard I shove it away - and that's the little storm cloud that says there's still a good chance I may not get through my life with my leg attached. That is a pill I do NOT want to swallow, but realized I must, and while I try to choke it down, trying to get other people to understand that no, things might NOT be okay, is really hard to do. I'm certainly going to do all I can to keep that from happening, but the reality is that it can happen, and too many people just have no clue what it's like to be in that position. Hell, I never would have, either. So, in the meantime, I just make sure I take my pills every single time and never miss a dose, and do everything I can to keep the leg active and blood flowing there, and pray to the universe that I have a better case scenario than a worst case scenario.

And through all of this trying to learn to accept the reality of the new me. Working on releasing some anger, but struggling with that, too.

Stress and Broken Legs Don't Mix

I have been on an emotional rollar coaster the past couple months. Between all the drama with the leg, the constant treatment needed for that, making it to appointments, stress from my job(s) (ironically it's more my part-time job stressing me out than my full time job), having to go through the process of looking at a house, finding the money to make the deposits and extra month of rent, to arranging movers, packing up my entire life, moving itself, then finishing up the move - all of this with not a single day off, OH, and ya, that dream trip to Italy I've been planning for the past year - ya, we leave on Monday. I won't be finished moving until Sunday morning.

All of this has me in varying states of emotions that I'm really struggling to contain sometimes. Some things make me very happy - my new commute is great, I like my little place (it's a bit small, but live-with-able), my roomies seem pretty cool, I'm riding and racing and I'm heading off on a dream trip. Some things have me wanting to scream - I really wanted ONE day off to work on the moving stuff, but that couldn't happen; I couldn't afford to have the movers take all the little stuff, so I've been back and forth to finish that all up, plus all the cleaning; moving in general is stressful enough; finances have me scraping and groveling; and let's not even get going on the leg saga.

I try to "pretend" that the leg stuff is minor, and that I'll heal and be fine, but that's not necessarily reality, and I'm a realist. Reality is that I still have, at a minimum, one more surgery yet this year (potentially more if the infection has spread), I may still very well lose my leg someday (which sometimes makes all the PT and dealing with recovery stuff feel like "is it worth it?"), and I'm still dealing with all of this very, very much alone.

Add in little things like, as I increase my activity, I pay for it dearly with every. single. step being a reminder that I will never be normal again. Medical bills piling up on my desk with no way to pay them, can't even really afford another payment plan. Worried about work and living after my next surgery and how long that's going to have me laid up. Wondering how the hell I'm going to get around during that time when I only have my (manual) truck to drive (I do have my scooter which I could probably make work around town/to get to BART).

There's a lot of things I'm hoping for, but if there's one thing this entire situation has taught me is that "hope" is about the worst thing you can do. You're best off understanding reality, knowing that you're NOT special, you ARE just a statistic, and understand you have as much chance of being in that 2% group as you do of being in the 98% group...and don't believe for one second that you are in that 98% until you KNOW you are. Because if you draw the short straw and are in that 2%, you will be devastated. Best to have a happier outcome than you planned on than the other way around.

Here's how long it's been:

• 17,452,800 seconds
• 290,880 minutes
• 4848 hours
• 202 days
• 28 weeks and 6 days
• 55.34% of a common year (365 days)

No wonder depression is a constant battle.

PICC line tips and tricks

I'm officially on my final week of the IV antibiotics (well, at least for now). Since I got some good tips from a few sources, I wanted to compile my experience and the things you can do in advance to help you prepare for life with a PICC line and the infusions.

Before hand:
Purchase the following items:
--Care + Wear sleeves (buy the smaller size if you're in between or at the very small end of a size range). I bought 3 so I could always have a clean one if I needed it.
--Shower sleeve cover (I got one by Libmo on Amazon - it wasn't the cheapest, but it has worked GREAT).
--Cloth tape (I got some that was pre-scored into ~1 1/2" strips) - you'll use this to hold lines where you want them, or I've used it on the edge of my dressing when it was starting to come up).
--Medical gloves (I mostly used these when infusing away from home)
--Request a bunch of caps from the line-installers - my infusion center told me I could leave the end of the line out - on my friend's advice I got the caps when they put in the line and I've kept one on there and clean it every time I infuse. Not sure if it makes a difference or not, but it makes me feel better to have that cover on there. The infusion center threw it out when they replaced my end each week though, so stock up when you get them!

During:
--Lots of advice about avoiding a lot of things. Let's just put it this way - I've been going to the race track (which includes loading my 450lb motorcycle into my truck, all my tool boxes, etc) riding, getting in and out of one-piece leather suits, racing my motorcycle, commuting on my bike daily, I MOVED (I did hire movers for the really heavy lifting part), etc. I have had ZERO issues with my PICC line since the first week. No pain, no discomfort, no movement - but I wear one of my sleeves 24/7, too. Lifesavers they are!!!
--Don't be afraid of activity. Sure, maybe a bunch of repetitive, heavy weight lifting might not be a great idea, but vacuuming or doing dishes? Unless that kind of activity is "normally" difficult, I have had NO problems with my day to day life, and have not avoided any "normal" daily activities. I haven't been the gym, but that has more to do with my leg than the PICC.
--BE RELIGIOUS about cleanliness when setting up for infusion and taking it off. Clean the surface where you will set things out, keep your hands super clean, etc. If I touch ANYTHING after washing (including unwrapping my syringes or any other surface) I re-clean my hands or put on gloves. Scrub the end of your line very well - I usually scrub with the alcohol pad for 23-30 seconds. Might be overkill, but I did NOT want any complications that I could avoid! Then be very careful that the end does not touch anything until it's a sealed system again. After infusing I always cleaned it again since it had been a good hour or more. Yup, not into taking chances.

A few caveats:
--My dressings were changed weekly at the infusion center, not at home or by myself.
--Other than the orthopedic infection, I'm an otherwise healthy adult (I do not have a compromised immune system and my body was not weakened by any other issues).
--I had to infuse 3 times a day (once every ~8 hours) so things such as a blocked line were less likely to occur since I was constantly pushing fluid through it.

Meh Day

Today is a day of mixed emotions, much of it probably propagated by a lack of sleep and stress. The breaking point, however, is the stupid leg. The rest I'm managing to control and keep it together, that's the one thing that has me fighting back the tears as I sit at work. WTF.

This was one of those days where the leg is just stiff. Yesterday was a LONG day. I was moving, and while I hired movers to do all the heaving lifting (good-bye money for my dream trip to Italy :( ), I was still making a truck-bed full of "little" stuff and bike stuff - twice. Traffic was also a nightmare, and since my truck is a manual, I sat in stop and go traffic for what amounted to about 3-4 hours yesterday. Meaning, my leg got a WORKOUT.

That left me with a sore, tired, leg today. It was okay earlier, but still stiffer than I'd like. I started dwelling on the stiffness. I got to thinking about how my PT had noticed things in my gait that needed correcting. And then I started getting mad at my insurance for saying I didn't need anymore PT and they were done paying for it. I was too worn out and tired to deal with the appeals just to get that "second set of eyes" on things since I had the majority of exercises I needed to do - it was just more matter of catching incorrect things before they became a problem.

I then just started getting frustrated at the entire system. I'm tired, sore, stressed, and stiff and limping, and financially strained. And it all just was a straw that I couldn't seem to bear today. Hopefully my ride home tonight and getting some more unpacking done will improve my mood, but man, right now I'm just frustrated and tired and just wish this was all nothing more than a bad dream. ALL of it. From the break, to the finances, to the infection, to the missed riding time, to the ruined race season, to the daily pain, to the potentially very bleak future. Just not able to handle it today.

Rolling Along

The finish line is in sight for the IV antibiotics - less than 2 weeks remaining. My sleep is still an issue, I struggle pretty bad with afternoon crashes and my nighttime sleep schedule is just all messed up, but other than that, not too terrible. Thus far I've avoided any complications, but I try to be meticulous about being sanitary when I've got the PICC line out and open.

Other than that, I've stayed pretty active with it - granted, I haven't been to the gym (time, not an inability to go), but I've raced, done track days, loaded and unloaded my truck for those things, packed my house for the pending move tomorrow, etc. Honestly, after the first couple weeks, the line stopped bugging me (or I got used to it). It hasn't really hampered my ability to do things - I do try to be a little cautious/cognizant of it, but I don't favor the arm, either - just careful not to go scraping a suit sleeve over it or that sort of thing.

Whether it's good or not, I've maxed out my OOP maximum for my insurance, so hopefully the medical bills I've been slammed with will be the end of it. I'm going to push to be sure hardware removal is done before that resets again, getting slammed with 2 years worth in 6 months is killing me!

My leg is feeling pretty good for the most part. Since it's feeling better I'm finding myself pushing it a little more (longer walks, more use, more riding, etc), and muscles and tendons get bitchy, but the leg itself seems a bit more content. I think the lack of hardware will make things a lot more comfortable, but then there's the recovery after that, so kind of a catch 22 on that one. Granted, the infection pretty much has dictated exactly what is going to happen either way, it's just a question of when. Hoping to avoid any more major interruptions to my race season, I'm just starting to get semi-comfortable on the bike!

The most frustrating thing in all of this is that I'm just in an on-going holding pattern. I'm not healed, I'm not done with it, there will be more set backs and recoveries and who knows what else. It's something I'm going to have to be worried about the rest of my life. There's no just "moving on" because it's still going on. There's no end to it, and you're not even sure to what level your life is going to be altered yet.

Man, if only I had any clue when it happened what this could turn into - granted, I've heard of worse stories (botched surgeries, losing legs due to loss of blood flow, etc), but damn, if only we knew when we were hurt how bad things could be maybe we'd be a little less trusting of the initial docs who are like "it'll be fine, quite taking up space in our ER on a weekend...."

On a happier note, motorcycles picture, because, I'm in love with the bike, just very sad I'm having to learn how to ride it now rather than 6 months ago :(

Life Goes on Despite It All

I'm nearing the halfway mark on the IV antibiotics. With the okay of the infusion nurse I've adjusted the schedule a bit to allow some better sleep because that was causing a number of issues for me, besides general exhaustion, it also makes me cranky and I don't deal with life's little curve balls very well when I'm suffering from a lack of sleep.

Thus far that slight adjustment is helping a bit and I'm finding myself a little less cranky and not fighting sleep the entire day.

Other than that, it's just the ongoing daily routine. Add in moving, and track/race schedules and I'm not getting much down time, but that's probably a good thing as I still can tend to find myself slipping into a pretty negative space pretty easily. There are reasons for that, and they are legitimate concerns, but it doesn't improve my day to day to be in that place, either.

So, overall, just taking one day at a time, and staying busy. Looking forward to getting moved as I really am tired of my commute, and today's traffic just verified that for me yet again LOL. A week and a half, but I need to get my house prepped before that since the moving estimate was pretty high compared to what I think it should be, so I intend to have things as prepared to cut that cost down as much as I can.

At the moment, at least, my leg is feeling better. Guessing that perhaps this infection had been brewing right along, just hadn't manifested until it was irritated. My biggest fear, however, is that the infection will resurface and I simply won't kick it. Heck, it's probably something I'll have to worry about the rest of my life even if things seem okay for now.

Mental Struggles

Some days are just - hard.

Today is one of those days, and it's not even so much about me and my predictament (although that, and a lack of sleep due to that, are NOT helping), but more about "life" in general.

I got news over the weekend that I was the person chosen for the private room/suite I had looked at last week, and while that was great news, it also involves a fair bit of stress. First off, I've got to come up with the money for a deposit and move....until I have that approval, I'm stuck in a waiting zone. Due to still playing catch up from the divorce (and not always making the "wisest" financial choices) I'm worried about getting approved for the loan I requested. Yes, I requested a little more than I think I'll need, and I do have collateral in the form of my motorcycle, but it's not promised. I'm not worried about the payments since my new rent will be saving me about $300/month, but I still need that approval!

So there's that stress, PLUS the stress of looking at trying to move in the next month. Additionally, I've still got my trip to Italy to plan for and looming about the time I'd be fully moved (if that happens). Add in the stress of my own issues and the whole leg mess.

And to top it off, today Nicky Hayden #69, an American motorcycle rider passed from injuries sustained in a bicycle accident. Not racing, not doing anything crazy, just riding his bicycle on a road.

Life is so short. We are never promised tomorrow, we have no guarantees of next week. Not everyone enjoys "dangerous" things, but I think things like this hit home with use who do even more. We are in a sport where things like a boring 6mph crash can have devastating consequences, but life still has a way of trumping even that. I think people find it easy to ignore this possibility. When we "live dangerously" we know we are taking risks. We are aware that life is fragile. But seeing how fragile it is even when not doing "dangerous" things tends to hit a little deeper, especially when that person was so well liked and admired.

I'm finding that his death is hitting me harder than I imagined it would. I think a big part of it is because of how he was injured. When someone is injured or dies while racing, it's tragic to be sure, but we know it can happen. Something like this, however, just slaps you across the face with how things can be taken away in a moment.

All of this combined is making it difficult for me to process right now....

Early Thoughts on the PICC line Life

I'm about 48 hours into this. A few thoughts at these early stages:

First off, it definitely hurt more than I thought it would, but seems to be abating quickly enough. Didn't really bother me last night at all, and while I did taken an ibuprofen here at work, overall definite improvement.

Secondly, doing my research ahead of time and having things at home and ready for this has been HUGE. I felt prepared, and I was prepared. It's made the transition to this new "life" a tad bit easier. Having the sleeve covers is great, having all my supplies there makes it a million times easier. Far less stress.

Third, this is VERY TIME CONSUMING. They say 30 minutes to infuse - that's a best case scenario, and even with taking things out of the fridge well in advance, most of the time it's more like 40 minutes. Plus prep, flush, flush again, heparin, clean up, it's a solid hour every single time. Granted, at work and in the mornings I go and do other stuff while it's infusing, but that's still a hunk of time. Definitely something you need to plan for if you're going to be doing something where active infusion would be difficult.

Fourth, it's a royal PITA. Twice a day wouldn't be anywhere near as bad, but having to do it 3x a day at 8 hour intervals makes it a LOT more complicated.

Lastly, at this point, it's not seeming too intrusive, BUT, it's also a bit early to tell. Probably too soon to make any judgement calls on side effects or other issues. At this point I'm still paranoid so being extra careful about cleanliness and such - not sure that after several weeks of this that the paranoia will still be as strong. .

Already tired of it. A couple weeks I feel like I could suck it up and deal with it, but god damn, 6 weeks of this is feeling like an eternity right now...

Let the Saga Begin

Just got home from getting the PICC installed and my first infusion.

Getting it put in was pretty much what I expected based off of other people's stories and what I had read. That didn't make me any less nervous about the entire idea of this entire process. The nurse there, to her credit, did her best to try to calm my worst fears....didn't help much, but she tried.

My arm hurt(s) quite a bit after the fact though. She commented several times on how tough my skin and vessels were, not sure if that's part of it, but even after taking 800mg of ibuprofen I'm still feeling it (that did take the worst of the pain off though).

The infusion and teaching process was kind of what I expected after reading about that as well (found a great little guide online from a family that had to deal with one for their daughter who had cancer). Of course, they go over all the possible side effects and issues, and by the time you leave, your fairly convinced you're about to die.

They have me on cefepime, which supposedly does remarkably well against the enterobacter bacteria, so fits with the research I've done as well (for some reason reading scientific articles about these things I find helpful - plus it helps me know what questions to ask).

So now on to the saga of every 8 hours, for 30-40 minutes, I have to hook myself up to this little ball of antibiotics and "infuse." Mostly, this sucks. This means I do not get a full night's sleep for the next 6 weeks, no matter what. That alone probably means no real working out since I'm going to be trying for naps as best as I can, or having to wake myself up after being asleep for an hour. It means carrying drugs and cleaning supplies with me to work every single day, and then dealing with at least one infusion during my work day.

So there are 126 opportunities for me to screw something up. I go in weekly for dressing changes/check ups, and med pick ups. The bags full of supplies that you get is ridiculous....literally a medium size garbage bag worth. For one week. F.M.L.

Supposedly you can do things while infusing, moving around and such won't bother anything, but you still have this tube and little balloon thing you're toting around...ugh.

Emotionally I'm kind of a disaster. Between the fears of something going wrong, or having a bad side effect, or another infection, or the infection we're trying to treat causing even more problems (let's face it, at this point possible amputation isn't off the table yet as a viable option if this goes south); plus the inconvenience of  dealing with these drugs; plus trying to live my life around yet another problem; and finally just the time involved. I'm so beat down emotionally I don't even know how to react anymore. Tears, or sheer morbid indifference seem to be the extremes I'm settling in. Now we'll add a lack of sleep to the mix - fuck, I don't want to be around me.

Which leads to the final issue of the simple fact that I'm pulling away from people. I'm not capable of giving a flying fuck about how good things are for them or how "bad" their problems are - unless their problems are truly bad (like, way worse than mine) in which case I'm that much more sympathetic.

All said and done, I get the impression this is exactly what I was expecting - a royal PITA that has the capability to make your life a living nightmare - more so than it already is. And it hurts more than they say - the numbing helped but it did NOT take care of all of the pain, and my arm fucking hurts right now.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day the PICC BS gets started. I'm wavering between full on terrified-for-my-life fear and morbid resignation. Part of me, after talking with a couple friends who've had one, thinks maybe it won't be that horrible - a royal PITA, and a major complication to my life, but not horrible.

The other part of me is absolutely convinced that with the odds ever being against me, this is going to be another, very expensive, very problematic issue for me and is probably going to cause me more problems and complications than I can possibly imagine.

I'm doing my best to fight off depression that just wants to rule right now, and I'm not always being all that successful. I'm pretty grumpy. I'm finding I have little to no tolerance to listen to other people's problems (unless their situation is at bad or worse than mine, in which case, I seem to have developed more sympathy than I've ever possessed). Friends talking about how "messed up" they are over an online friendship gone wrong - even though they've NEVER met that person in real life - just makes me want to scream! It's all I can do to not tell them to just STFU, you're upset over a virtual friendship, while I'm sitting here facing the scariest medical situation I have ever had to face, and to be honest, I don't give a flying rat's ass about your online friendship problems.

Thankfully the brain to keyboard filter is still somewhat in place and I avoid saying those things (which aren't very nice) by pretty much just not saying much at all.

This is causing me to withdraw even more. Probably a time when I need people more, but I withdraw because:
a) I know I'm cranky, grumpy, and I don't particularly want people trying to make me "feel better" by telling me how good things will be. Fuck off. Unless you have real advice - ie, you've lived through similar and have some REAL advice, STFU and quite telling me how I'll "get through this and life will be grand."
b) My emotions are drained. I'm not likely to be very compassionate right now, and I don't want to hear about your problems. I also admit that I don't want to be distracted from my problems unless it's something I'm choosing to do. Preferably alone.
c) I'm not in an entertaining mood. I may do okay around people when I have to be, but it's doubly-draining compared to normal. Small talk is beyond painful. Even not small talk that right now just seems - trivial - I have trouble being engaged in. So, easier to avoid than appear like a distracted arse.
d) I don't want to be disappointed again by offers of help that never pan out. Better to just believe I'm on my own and save the offers for help for the times I really, really, REALLY need it.

I'm scared of hoping for things to not be "too bad" right now. Nothing about this has shown me that being "hopeful" has helped in any way, shape, or form, and I'm shunning hope. I still want to hope, but also realize that ALL that does is set me up for more disappointment. Better to just accept it as it comes, and expect the worst case scenario. Right now, I've managed to convince myself that I'll be lucky to come out of this with my leg still attached and that that will be my best case scenario....and don't hope for that, pretty much start planning on losing the damn leg and figuring out how you're going to live your life once that happens.

I know it sounds doom and gloom to people, but let's face it, it's not an impossibility, and at this point with everything that's gone wrong so far, statistically speaking, it's still very much on the table....

Open Letter to the Dude That Hit Me

Warning - NSFW language

Pretty sure he'll never read this, as his life has moved on and I'm guessing at best "our" crash is nothing but a hazy memory for him - if it even holds that status. So this "open letter" is mostly to get some things off my chest that I've felt the need to say.

You, sir, are an ass.

And that's kind of the nicer of the terms I sometimes use.

Trust me, I get that with riding (and especially racing) motorcycles, shit happens. Happens to all of us, we make a bad judgement call, and if we're unlucky, we may drag someone else into our stupidity. It's one of the unfortunate aspects of the sport. Good sportsman, however, take responsibility for their actions and will go out of their way to, at the very least, apologize and do their best to help the other person out (as much as you would in a "no-fault" environment).

I'm not sure if at some point you did or did not give a very fleeting apology, but if you did, it was disingenuous enough that I have zero recollection of it. You had another day and a half to make it clear that you felt bad about the fact that you made a mistake, and I paid a really fucking high price for your ego-driven need to not sit behind a girl for one corner in the middle of a training class. Therefore, my only conclusion is that you didn't give a shit. We also became FB friends that weekend, and I have NEVER gotten so much as a "hey, how's it going, sorry things are so fucked up" note.

While your life has moved on, Mr. Testosterone, mine is still a daily battle to try to keep my leg, function alone, and get through this alive. All because you just had to have that pass. And were too much of a spoiled brat to even think that maybe, just maybe, the person who's life you destroyed for the next year, the person who, for the rest of their given days will NEVER be allowed to forget this day since every-single-step they take will serve as a reminder of your stupidity, deserved a real apology.

Yes, I'm pissed. Pretty sure rightfully so. If I ever see you in person again, you had best be presenting yourself with the most humble, groveling apology known to man, or don't get anywhere near me. I am not sure I could contain myself or if this pent up rage over having my year, life, and foreseeable racing career destroyed, delayed, and who knows what other impacts, will surface and you will, at minimum, get an earful of exactly the kind of worm I believe you to be....and to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'd stop there.

All I needed was an apology, a sign that you felt bad that it happened, and that you had some iota of concern for the person who's life you have forever altered.

There are very, very, VERY few people on this planet who I have come to loathe. You, sir, at this point, are one of them. If by some unknown reason you get wind of this letter, the truth is that I'm a pretty forgiving person - a little humility and concern on your part would go a really, really long ways towards repairing my opinion of you. In the meantime, however, you have officially been placed on the extremely short list of people (um, I think there's only two of you on there) who I do not ever want to see in my entire life. Or maybe I do because then I could get some satisfaction from at least knowing you were aware of what a piece of shit you are in my mind.

Now I shall go return to the nightmare that my life has become. Thanks, asshole, for not even being apologetic that I now am facing the scariest things I have ever had to face because you just had to have that pass. In a fucking training class.

Decision Made, PICC It Is

Welp, at my ortho appointment yesterday, while I was there, he called the ID doc and they talked over the phone right then and there. Due to the location, with it being skin right over the plate, hardware is definitely involved, so they decided on the 6 week antibiotic routine.

I must admit, I am beyond terrified. The idea of something sitting in my chest, that close to my heart, capable of killing me if things go wrong I find more than a little disturbing. This is probably the most scared I've ever been about anything medically related in my entire life. Part of it is that I'm not "sick" in the sense of being laid up and off work and having nothing better to do than take care of this thing - no, I still have to show up to work, I still have to deal with my daily routines, and how the fuck am I supposed to do things like infusions in the middle of the day?!? Go sit on a toilet for an hour?!? THAT sounds nice and sanitary! [I really hope you read the dripping sarcasm going on here].

I'm terrified of needles to begin with, but after being in the military I learned to cope and get through it. I still cannot watch, and having someone poke and prod around I've literally been gripping my sheets not to punch them....while I'm guessing this will be better than dealing with that every day, I'm not seeing any other positives in this.

The plan is this for 6 weeks (god o god please don't let this get infected - with a 1 in 4 chance of it getting infected, a 30% chance of complications, I don't see the odds being in my favor when the reason I'm on it to begin with is due to an infection!), then, once this is done, give things a couple weeks to see if the infection re-emerges. Assuming it does, then we'll schedule hardware removal. Right now, basically, the whole point of this is trying to buy a couple more months of bone healing so there's less risk of re-fracturing the leg once hardware is removed. I think we're pretty much assuming it's going to have to come out...

Only "good" things (if you can call anything good at this point) is that I will be done with the antibiotics before I'm supposed to leave for Italy (barely), AND, I'll still have my hardware in at that time so mobility won't be an issue. Who knows how I'll be feeling though :/

Secondly, IF we have the luxury of a little leeway on hardware removal timelines, there's a chance I could avoid missing any race rounds - if we pulled it right after round 4 in July, then there is a 6 week window until the next race round...which, hopefully, would be plenty of healing time. For people who don't have to have things removed early recovery is usually 2-3 weeks, so 6 weeks would be pretty generous...

Lastly, according to the ID doc, there are no "limitations" from them on what I can or cannot do. Not what I hear from other people or read online, but it does seem to vary a little bit. Guess I'll find out more on the dreaded day.

Mostly though I'm very, very scared of complications with this picc line - because the complications can be very, very serious (like deadly) and can often require ER visits and the like even if you catch it quickly. Living alone, with no BF, family, or anyone else nearby who can help is another level of complications. Traveling to and from work, dealing with this while at work - all of it. That, and let's not forget that you have something sitting, literally, millimeters off your otherwise healthy heart....

Yes, I'm terrified. Like, panic attack terrified.

I do have a friend who's had one for a similar situation (otherwise healthy person who wasn't sick and laid up) and she reached out to me and is patiently providing some info and answering my questions as I come up with them.Most of the online stuff I find is for people on chemo or with advanced Lyme's disease, or elderly people - very, very little out there for otherwise healthy, active, adults which isn't helping the situation since I fall into the last category!

Most reports say it's not as scary as it seems - for the love of god I hope they're at least a little right.

No End in Sight

So, I had the dreaded appointment with Infectious Diseases yesterday. Unfortunately, it was basically inconclusive since he was missing the findings from my clean/debribe surgery AND my last lab test results. So, mostly, he checked it out, we discussed the history of things thus far, and then discussed possible scenarios.

Basically, this can go one of three ways from best to worst case scenarios.

Best case: It's just a sub-cutaneous infection, and hasn't actually involved the hardware or bone, in which case we will continue with oral antibiotics and monitor things.

Mid-case: The hardware is involved and there is biofilm over it. This can go a few ways depending on the orthopedic standpoint and outlook. If the hardware needs to stay in, then it's 6 weeks of IV antibiotics followed by another 6 weeks of oral antibiotics. If the hardware can be removed, that removes the danger (and the inaccessible by your body bacteria) and treatment would be easier.

Worst case scenario: The bone has become infected. If that is the case, we are in dangerous territory. Removing hardware ASAP is important, but no matter what it will be intensive IV followed by oral antibiotics. This is where people lose legs, and things get really scary.

Since my ortho left the hardware in, AND I haven't gotten a call to schedule another surgery, I'm HOPING the last case is definitely not the case - but I can't confirm that yet. There are a few (small) things in my favor - one, this hasn't been festering in there for long. Some people go years without a conclusive diagnosis, and by then the infection has so well embedded itself that eradication is often only attainable by amputation or invasive and continual surgeries and treatments. At least this manifested early and my body reacted, and we knew what we were dealing with....even if it's been latent in there since my last ORIF, it's still 'only' been a matter of 4 months instead of years.

Secondly, it's not MRSA. While the bacteria in there is NOT a good one to be fighting due to it's ability to quickly mutate (enterobacter cloacae), making it harder to treat, it seems like it's at least a better situation than dealing with a MRSA infection. Not much better, but slightly as there are a number of treatment options that seem to be successful depending on the strain.

Third, my doctors are on this like flies on shit. They aren't wasting time, they aren't being lax, and they are treating it quickly and decisively rather than dragging their feet or being unconcerned like a lot of people online seem to report.

Of course, for me, my mental state is getting a bit - edgy. I'm holding it together (most of the time) but I feel myself on that edge. Thankfully I can still ride, which is keeping me sane (literally). I asked the ID doc about riding with a PICC, and as far as he's concerned, if I'm cleared by the orthopedist to ride, there are no restrictions or limitations with the PICC line. That makes the process more bear-able for me. It will still be a nightmare, and the "inconvenience" is going to be horrible, but maybe I can at least retain my sanity...

Part of me, however, is of the opinion to just pull the hardware at the end of the month and be done with, and quite playing games with infections. I realize I'd be laid up again, but that would be 5 full months of healing behind me, and I would think that it shouldn't be more than a few weeks of being laid up...granted, I'm no doctor, but that's my gut feeling on it.

So, things are still very much up in the air and I'm still in no-man's land of what is going on. I meet with my ortho tomorrow, so I plan to discuss options on that end of things so I can start putting things together in my own mind. I don't want to play games with this, racing, my trip to Italy, NONE of that is worth potentially losing a leg over, but that being said, on the flip side, if there's not a lot of danger, then it's nice to have some semblance of a life, too. Guess I'll find out more next week when I meet with the ID doc again.

Saga Continues

UGH. That is all I've got to say about this. This week marked 5 months since I broke this leg....and there's still no end in sight for dealing with the drama. The only saving grace at this point is that I've been able to get back on the bikes, which is, literally, keeping me sane right now. Anytime I spend too much time thinking about or researching my condition and I just want to put my head between my legs and scream, cry, and I can feel the depression that is just waiting for an opportunity to rise up.

As for where I'm at right now - if you were to ask me how I feel, not considering any research or anything else I've done, and I'd tell you that I'm feeling pretty damn good. I've felt pretty good energy-wise, my leg pain is getting pretty minimal, and walking is getting pretty decent again the past couple days.

Ask me how I feel overall, and it's a far more dismal outlook. Research and studies on treating these infections has me absolutely terrified of my appointment with infectious diseases that is scheduled for Monday. I mean, flat out terrified. As in, if I wasn't worried about the possibility of losing the leg if things got crazy, I wouldn't be going. If they decide to treat with IV antibiotics, there are these things called a PICC line they put in - god damn, I thought I was scared of doctors and needles before...reading up on these has me in near panic mode. I have no idea how on god's green earth I'd live with one - I live alone, I have no one that close, and I live with cats. Trying to keep THAT from getting infected, in addition to my leg - FML upside down.

I hear almost no good stories about these things - some that are "okay, I survived it" but no good stories. Seems studies with kids are showing little to no difference between IV and oral antibiotics, but I can't seem to find much on adults. It's going to be 2 1/2 weeks post-op already, so seems like we've already passed the usual "IV" window, at least the common one anyways.

Finding out the particular bacteria involved isn't helping either - it's an unusual (not unheard of, but not common) one more commonly seen in UTI. Apparently an "opportunistic" bug that is gram-negative and can be tough to treat. It is one that naturally lives in our GI tract, which makes me wonder if I got it from my elderly cat before I had to have him put down - while I tried to keep everything clean, if he was getting sick before the very end, who knows, it's a pretty easy bug to get.

Right now I'm feeling a bit bi-polar. When I'm not thinking too much about it, I feel pretty good. My pain levels are low enough (or non-existent), and I feel pretty good. As soon as I spend much time thinking about what all of this may entail - well, life starts looking really bleak. Part of me is of the feeling to just yank the hardware now and I'll go back to being on crutches for a month and be done with it. But I don't know if it would only be a month - or if we'd be looking at months. I'm literally sick to my stomach sitting here writing this. I just spent the past hour or so reading up on some of this stuff (again) and I don't see much positive out there.

So much for being healthy and taking care of yourself making a hill of beans difference....

Does It Ever End?

Just when it seemed like things had finally settled down and life was almost beginning to return to some semblance of "normal," curve balls must be thrown. This one started out seeming like a non-issue. A suit/boot combo I had worn seemed to have irritated the skin over my tibia plate, but hadn't rubbed it raw or anything along that line, so it seemed pretty benign. Irritation and inflammation occurred, but didn't seem to worrisome.

At my PT appointment that week, she commented on the inflammation and tenderness - it seemed a bit unusual. This raised a little red flag for me. By that Friday afternoon, the area where the fracture blister had been was getting "stretched" with a very fluidy feel underneath the thin layer of skin over it. I placed a moist bandaid over it to see what would happen. Saturday afternoon it came through, and began draining quite a bit of fluid, some of it milky. This concerned me for fears of an infection taking place or getting started, so first thing Monday morning I made an appointment with my ortho for the first available appointment which was Wednesday. In the meantime, I began treating the wound fairly aggressively using the calcium alginate dressing to help draw out the inflammation.

Doc wasn't any more thrilled than I was - while he had expected this, since it had seemed to heal over he had hoped that we had dodged a bullet. Apparently not so much. He wanted to get in there and clean and flush it out, and see where it was getting infected - if it was getting under the plate at all, then he would have to pull the hardware out. This wouldn't be ideal as it is a little too early in the healing to normally pull hardware, but the bones are set, it would just delay my weight bearing status yet again - but still better than losing a leg!

He scheduled the surgery for first thing the next morning - I had to be in the surgery center at 5:15 a.m. for a 6 a.m. procedure. I was unsure what I'd wake to, but I was just resigned to what we had to do - I didn't want to muck around with infections. As it turns out, whether it was pure luck or a combination of an early catch and treatment, either way, he was able to leave the hardware in. I woke to a big old bandage on my leg, but was left with weight bearing status and direction to leave the dressing in place until my follow-up the following Wednesday.

The first couple days I was pretty miserable, currently sitting here on the second full day post op. At this point I'm feeling better than I did yesterday, and hoping that overall this will be a quick-ish recovery since it was mostly just a fluid flush and clean with some incisions related to that. I have no idea the damage on the skin, but at least I can weight bear. At this point,still hoping/planning on making the races next weekend since the skin will have had over a week to heal by that point and should hopefully be past the worst of anything. Cancelling the races is still a possibility, but I'm hoping not to since he was able to leave the hardware in place.

Rehab Begins

I knew atrophy would be a bitch. It really is. A few weeks or something would be one thing; even a couple months. Coming back from nearly four months of non-use and everything is complaining. Sometimes the simple act of walking just HURTS. I’m back on regular use of ibuprofen to help with both the pain and the inflammation. Things swell – a lot. From puffy ankle, to spots that get a big edema, to my knee swelling up, life is just plain old uncomfortable. Tendons and ligaments are TIGHT, and they are NOT happy about having to work. Life hurts.  Even when I’m resting, it usually hurts on some level, or I’m stretching it, moving it, something or it’s just had a long day and is mad. But, that’s part of rehab, and so be it.

Things are still moving along, don’t get me wrong. I’m a couple weeks into PT, and if anything, there’s probably more I should be doing, but I’m also still working, taking care of the house, and back to my “regular” work schedule, so time is an issue. While I’m WAY more mobile, I’m still slow. I get around without the cane as needed, but it’s nice to have that when I’m trying to cover more ground, plus my gait is a little better with it than without most of the time.

Being tired and weird sleep patterns is rather frustrating. I get way more tired just doing “normal” things which makes getting up early enough for the gym an easy thing to skip. Let’s just say I haven’t been to the gym since my work schedules went back to normal. It’s an excuse, really, but only sort of – I haven’t been sitting in front of the TV that much, either, other than for an hour or so when I eat my dinner, so it’s not like I’m watching TV for hours on end and skipping the gym…

At this point, while I wouldn’t call any of this fun, for the most part it’s not “surprising” either. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would take time. I knew it would suck. Honestly, other than the “tiredness” factor, things are kind of what I would have expected.

At least I can ride, which has done wonders for me mentally even if it’s not as “fun” as it was (mostly because, well, it hurts!!).  But, it still serves the purpose of getting me out of my head, and even if for only very brief moments, there are moments of pure freedom as the bike accelerates and carries me on its wings, in that moment I don’t think about having a bum leg. It may only last until I need to shift, but even that second of freedom is worth more than I can express.

I have my first trackdays coming up this weekend – I know my leg is going to give me problems, but I’m still excited to get out there. It’s going to hurt, I’m sure I’ll be frustrated, but I’ll be on the new bike, and hopefully there will be a lot of those “moments” that’ll have me smiling through the gritted teeth.

Forward Movement

I'm nearly a week into "weight bearing" status, and my first PT appointment is tomorrow. In this time, things are moving along, although I'm trying not to push too hard, either. The first couple days I didn't feel like I could do much more than I could before I was "released" and even then my foot started protesting - loudly - the new situation. Not my ankle, not the leg, my foot!

But, despite that, progress has been slow but steady. Over the weekend I rode a scooter around while watching the races, and by day 3 that was pretty easy for me to manage, so I figured managing a bike this week would be do-able. Monday I swapped back to my (manual) truck and drove that home - boy was I glad I had been using that leg for a few days, I'm not sure I could have managed the truck even a few days earlier. That clutch is STIFF.

I was able to drive it, and got it home. Today, I decided to get on the bike and see how that went. Overall, the commute in to work went pretty well. Balancing and moving the bike didn't prove to be too difficult. Downshifting (gp shift, so pulling up) was a bit of work, but got easier as I went along. Getting on and off was okay, not great, but I can lean on the bike for that so that was okay. Honestly the worst part was getting in and out of my gear! In order to get into my leather pants my foot needs to straighten out to about it's max right now, and squeezing in is tough - doable, but tough.

Unfortunately, day 1 was a process. I had to find everything, I had to decide what gear to wear, I had to get it all together, and then I have ZERO routine. I tried to bring the crutch, that was too hard to get on the bike, so cane it was. But, despite my misgivings, thus far it hasn't been too bad. Hopefully I can keep the forward progress going!

Finally Released!

Yesterday was my 11 week post-op follow up. Doc decided my bones looked strong enough to release me for weight bearing and for riding as long as I'm comfortable holding the bike up. Yay for forward progress!

After my last visit I was planning on bad news - things didn't go well at that one and I needed to have all my ducks in a row before I was caught holding a big bag of "nope" again. Thankfully, it looks like I can avoid using plan B this time, but it's still there if I need it.

In an effort to find the silver lining, this means I won't be trying to race a brand new bike with zero seat time. Instead, my leg will have some time to regain at least a tiny bit of muscle and I'll have several opportunities for seat time on the bike before I try to race it in just over a month.

Doc made a point of telling me "you do realize you're on the fast end of things, right?" Well, actually, no, I wasn't feeling that way, but it's hard to say, too, because I'm not sure how bad my breaks were compared to other people who've recovered faster. I've seen some worse than mine that took a lot longer to heal, but they exploded their bones.

As of today I'm still using crutches - mostly because I don't want to over strain things, and I'm faster on two crutches if I need to get somewhere quickly. If I can take my time I'm using one crutch, and have my cane with me for the weekend. Not feeling up to walking without assistance though.

PT starts next week, and if I can ride the street bike to work, I'll be back at the gym as of next week as well. Yay for forward progress and being past the waiting period! I know this is going to suck, and it's going to hurt like a bitch, but at least it's progress :)

Oh the Waiting Game

It's bad enough dealing with a broken leg and the problems that causes. It causes even more problems when you live alone, are very single, and when your commute isn't conducive to getting around on crutches. Let's not even get into things like medical bills.

Here I sit yet again waiting for my next follow up. I'm not holding my breath this time, expecting bad news (even though there's really no good reason to be expecting bad news, at least judging by how my leg feels). I've got ducks lined up for best and worst case scenarios, including use of small motorcycle to solve my commute woes. As far as my truck goes - well, I'm mostly screwed in that department. I'll be back to driving it whether I'm "released" for it or not. I'm planning two very different sets of weekend plans - one if things go well, one if they go poorly.

I'm obviously hoping for good news, but learned my lesson the last time and am assuming things won't go well, and plan B is about as solidified as plan A. I'm still super moody. Sometimes, in the moment, I can be happy and ignoring the situation, but it doesn't take much to get a brutal reminder of just how things really are. Even when things are feeling better, I'm getting constant reminders of just how miserable this recovery is going to be - and that's without extra complications!

On a good note, that fracture blister is FINALLY healing over - it's now rather tiny, and mostly closed over, just a tiny spot left and it's steadily been closing in. I've never fought a wound that long...so glad to finally have some noticeable progress.

My ortho mentioned something about internal infections from the hardware that show up weeks after surgery - I don't think there was a particular reason other than the slow healing on the blister sore (but I think I know why that slowed and it wasn't because of something along that line). But I've thought about it a couple times - will need to do more reading up on that. I've heard of it happening to people, and at this point I have delusions that I'm special. Not sure how'd you even know about it if you're feeling fine otherwise???

48 more hours until I'm sitting in his office wondering what he's going to tell me. I think I'm mostly dreading it this time, convinced it won't be good news. Although, good news or not, I'm making plans of getting back on bikes regardless. A little bike on the street that I can manage with one leg, and plans to get on my race bike at the next track day and at least do some slow laps even if I need help getting on and off the bike in the pits. My mind needs the release - mentally I feel like I'm falling apart, holding it together with a thin thread that keeps getting stretched. Even super slow laps on a bike, or simply commuting in on the freeway at 5am to avoid traffic would do wonders for my soul right now....

When Your Body Has Failed You

I don't know if this is normal or if it's something that is more unique to people who are athletic, fit, participate in intense activities, etc. Either way, I'm feeling like my body has failed me.

While the injury makes logical sense, it doesn't make emotional sense. Legs are supposed to be strong. They should be able to hold up a lot. They shouldn't fail us in uneventful situations and they sure as shit shouldn't fail us that badly. And they really, really shouldn't be slow healing and drag on.

Yet, I hear the same story I'm now telling over and over again. How something that seemed relatively minor at the time, or at the very least didn't warrant the outcome you had, has sidelined someone who right up until that moment was kicking ass and taking names.

Yesterday I went and audited a track school since I wasn't in a position to ride. I got some information, but it wasn't as valuable as it could have been. Not being able to ride meant no physical training, and all I could do was think about what I might do, but no opportunities to practice it or actually train my actual responses.

At the end of the day i worked with one of the trainers I know to go over some body positioning that I could use to help get me through when I start riding and when I actually get leg strength back. I was sitting on the bike, trying to get into position as best I could and that leg just wasn't there. It wasn't painful (we were working on ways to ride around it), but it was utterly failing me. I distinctly recall looking at that leg and just glaring at it. Not on purpose, but that was my response.

I've started using the leg a little bit despite my doctors instructions. Historically, I've been a fast healer who recovers quickly and shocks the doctors with how well things heal. I've never listened to my doctors advice, instead going with what my body was telling me.

This leg was the first time I've listened to my doctor 100%, and it's healing slow. Sure, maybe that's my doctor's way of avoiding a lawsuit or something, but obviously things aren't moving along. My leg and my body tell me they're ready for more, so screw it, I'm going to listen, to hell with the doctors advice.

Yes, I'll still be careful, no, I'm not trying to put full weight or anything like that, but I am putting some weight and "walking" with my crutches. And guess what? My leg seems happier. Pain and swelling are generally decreasing. It's bouncing back quicker and quicker. And my mood is ever so slightly improving. I have no idea if the x-rays will agree that this has been a good idea, but right now, my body is telling me it is.

I still feel like my body has failed me though. That leg shouldn't have broken is what my heart tells me. My head says there was a reason, my heart does not. I feel like I can't trust my body anymore. Not just that leg, but my body in general. Like it's just going to blow apart for no reason. It served me well for many years, but some stupid little thing and it shatters. I'm trying to avoid the negative energy, but man, I see and feel that leg and I just want to yell at it, chew it out, and tell it how worthless it is. I know that won't help, but that's what my heart wants to do right now.

Don't Bother Getting Your Hopes Up

Warning: VENT about to commence.

When you're dealing with a broken leg, everyone around you will tell you how you should keep your hopes up; how things will be fine; how it's all going to work out. The reality is that they are almost never there to actually help make that your reality. There is an outpouring of offers of help at the beginning - after a few months, it's like pulling teeth to get help when you NEED it, none the less when it would be nice to have. Even though not a single damn thing has changed about your ability to deal with things, other people get tired of putting up with it and basically get a "fuck you, we don't give a shit anymore" attitude.

Sure, you've stuck with it. You've dealt with it and done all you can to try to get through it as fast as possible. You even let yourself get your hopes up despite knowing it was stupid, but everyone constantly telling you that you need to be "happy" and you gave in and got a little hopeful. If you get hopeful, YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. What you should have done was just accept that your life is over indefinitely, and don't bother with hoping or planning on anything until you've been told otherwise. If you get hopeful, you're only setting yourself up to get bitch slapped with reality and to find out that you can now try to face the reality of everyone else having expired their ability and willingness to help. You should have planned on that being the case, not on things maybe being okay - because they won't be.

Plan on the worst case scenario. Do not for one second think things might be better, or that you'll be the exception. If they are better, that's awesome, but if they aren't, at least you won't have to deal with yet ANOTHER let down. This is going to suck bad enough without constantly getting slapped with the reality that all of your hard work meant absolutely nothing and 57-year-old couch potatoes can heal just as fast eating their bonbons being fat and lazy.

So this is the reality of my world. My doctor had made it sound like I might get released for weight bearing. Being one of the fucking idiots mentioned above, I managed to convince myself that that "maybe" was more like a "probably" and got hopeful. I got hopeful that maybe my shot at a championship could still happen. I got hopeful that my vehicle and commute issues, which were about to come to a head, wouldn't be a problem. I got hopeful that I'd be able to start working on the next steps of my recovery.

Instead, I got the call that none of that was true or going to happen. There wasn't enough calcification for him to feel like weight bearing was a good idea. A minimum of another two weeks, at which point we'd take new x-rays and look again. And things may not be that great even then, so don't count on anything (okay, I added that last part, because IT'S TRUE).

This means I have to try to find someone willing to trade vehicles with me yet again since the owner of the truck I've been using needs it back. This means I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to get to work - they can't keep covering my Lyft, I can't afford that shit, and since I can't step on that leg, I can't navigate escalators without a huge fall risk.

Therefore, doctor's orders or not, good idea or not, it looks like I'm going to be trying to get back onto the bike and carrying the crutches with me. I have no other reasonable options. I'm out of options at this point. No one has sympathies after 3 fucking months - it doesn't matter what your situation is, the reality is that NO ONE GIVES A REAL FUCK. You're on your own, so you best figure it out, doctor's ordered be damned.

Oh, and those hopes of doing something fun, maybe actually doing what you love doing? Ya, put all that on indefinite hold again, too. What idiot thinks it's a good idea to believe it could happen by a certain date? Hell, it might be silly to think it'll ever happen again....there are no promises of it at this point, so be careful of hoping for something that may never happen.