Life Does Go On....Eventually

We're now into April, exactly 16 months since my first surgery on my pilon, and just 15 1/2 months since my last ORIF, and ~6 1/2 months since my hardware was removed.

I've continued to workout regularly, and try to be careful of any "compensations" that I still catch on occasion. The improvements are much slower at this point, hardly noticeable, really, but they are still there. Just a little more flexion, a little less pain, a bit more weight - not dramatic changes, but coming along at a very slow snail's pace.

The mental side of this injury, even with my outcome, is still interesting to deal with. For the most part, I've accepted that I will have some limitations, but I can still do the things I want, albeit potentially a little modified. I'm actually rejoining my martial art, and while I can tell my ankle will make some things more difficult, I think with training I'll pretty much be able to do everything with some mods as needed.

Riding, my leg isn't much of an issue at all - the biggest problem is nerve damage that is feeling like it may be permanent. I can't feel the peg or the shifter, so I have been struggling with getting my foot into position or accidentally bumping the shift lever. This is something that some seat time and muscle memory will help resolve, just need to train my body to have very deliberate movements and to put my leg where it needs to be.

I'm realizing, however, just how much of an issue my  leg was last year. I know why I was riding and racing (a combination of needing the release, my desire to not quite, feeling obligation from sponsors, etc), but I'm seeing just how much it was holding me back. Not only physically (which it definitely was) but also mentally. I didn't have much fun riding or racing last year. It was better than sitting at home depressed and alone (which was the alternative), but it did NOTHING for my riding. 

Thank goodness for my coach this year who has the patience of a saint, but also very much recognizes the mental side of things. His focus on that has allowed me to overcome my self-depreciation and actually enjoy riding my bike again. Even with pathetic laptimes, I'm having fun. Because my focus isn't on laptimes, or finishes, but on technique, flow, and the process. 

This was something that no one else really seemed to pick up on last year - or at the very least, not in the same way. My one teammate commented on how I needed to "cut myself some slack" so I think he saw it, but most other people were just about "letting it heal." Well, sure, but when you are single AF, don't have family nearby, and your friends all revolve around motorcycles, sitting at home and "letting things heal" for nearly an entire year becomes an entire year of pain, loneliness, and self isolation - which I'm pretty sure would have been way worse.

And therein lies the mental side of this injury. It's a lonely injury. Other than people who've had a pilon themselves, people just don't get it. Your life is altered, and not for a few months, but for a very, very long time, for many, permanently. You're not going to die from it, although you may lose a limb. You may have to consider losing a limb. You may have to find many modifications to keep doing what you enjoy. And for those who come out the other side, they will have dug into a deeper part of themselves that most humans never have to experience. 

I think, ultimately, we come out of this better, stronger, and more empathetic people. The journey to becoming that person, however, is wrought with pain and suffering that others simply do not understand. Cancer? Everyone knows how scary and horrible that is, and family and friends rally around that person. "Just" a broken leg? Not so much.

Learning to understand and come to grips with that fact, plus everything else that comes along with the pilon fracture,  can make or break people. Some choose to alter their lifestyle and just "accept" a new way of living. Some are determined to make things happen and fight through anyways, or even in spite of, their injury. We'll all have good and bad days, but in the end, which person are you? Who do you choose to be?

Pilons are a Looooong Term Deal

I've seen a few lucky souls who seem to have had a pilon fracture and recovered on a "normal" broken leg timeframe - but they are the very rare exceptions. VERY rare exceptions.

That being said, some of us are still better off than others. How intact the joint remains afterwards seems to be the determining factor of "will your life go on, albeit with some (minor) limitations," or "is your life going to be changed dramatically?"

Lucky me I believe I'm part of that middle group. I will never get to "forget" about this injury, but on the other hand, *most* of my life won't be too dramatically affected at least not in the next 20-ish years barring any other complications (such as osteomyelitis flaring up).

Even so, this injury takes a long time to heal, and I mean a LONG time. When you're someone who considers herself fairly fit, pretty darn tough, and have always been a pretty good "healer" things like this can hit a bit hard. I'm 13 months past my last ORIF, and I still, daily, have to think about my leg. First in the morning, it's getting through my workout and trying to regain everything I've lost, plus get what I can out of that leg. Then at the end, it's stretching that ankle out and trying to get the flexibility back that I can. This can leave me in tears on a nearly daily basis.

Then there are the days you just simply piss it off. I did that this weekend when I wore some heels all evening to my annual awards banquet this past Saturday. I'm STILL paying for it on Monday! I managed to still get my workout in, but it's definitely still a bit cranky. And swollen.

OMG the swelling. It's this thing that just never goes away. Most days now aren't too bad, but there's still some. Every day. 395 days of swelling with no end in sight. NOT something I even remotely would have expected when all of this started.

I've got another year - another full YEAR - until I will know what my "new normal" is going to be. So, there are two ways I try to view this: 1) That I have another 335 days to get as much ROM out of this ankle as I possibly can, and 2) that there is still another year of rehab left, and don't be discouraged because it's not *there* yet...you're only half way there, sister!

That's both frustrating and encouraging. Encouraging in that "this isn't the end" but also discouraging that it's been this long and I'm only halfway done LOL.