I'm nearly a week into "weight bearing" status, and my first PT appointment is tomorrow. In this time, things are moving along, although I'm trying not to push too hard, either. The first couple days I didn't feel like I could do much more than I could before I was "released" and even then my foot started protesting - loudly - the new situation. Not my ankle, not the leg, my foot!
But, despite that, progress has been slow but steady. Over the weekend I rode a scooter around while watching the races, and by day 3 that was pretty easy for me to manage, so I figured managing a bike this week would be do-able. Monday I swapped back to my (manual) truck and drove that home - boy was I glad I had been using that leg for a few days, I'm not sure I could have managed the truck even a few days earlier. That clutch is STIFF.
I was able to drive it, and got it home. Today, I decided to get on the bike and see how that went. Overall, the commute in to work went pretty well. Balancing and moving the bike didn't prove to be too difficult. Downshifting (gp shift, so pulling up) was a bit of work, but got easier as I went along. Getting on and off was okay, not great, but I can lean on the bike for that so that was okay. Honestly the worst part was getting in and out of my gear! In order to get into my leather pants my foot needs to straighten out to about it's max right now, and squeezing in is tough - doable, but tough.
Unfortunately, day 1 was a process. I had to find everything, I had to decide what gear to wear, I had to get it all together, and then I have ZERO routine. I tried to bring the crutch, that was too hard to get on the bike, so cane it was. But, despite my misgivings, thus far it hasn't been too bad. Hopefully I can keep the forward progress going!
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Finally Released!
Yesterday was my 11 week post-op follow up. Doc decided my bones looked strong enough to release me for weight bearing and for riding as long as I'm comfortable holding the bike up. Yay for forward progress!
After my last visit I was planning on bad news - things didn't go well at that one and I needed to have all my ducks in a row before I was caught holding a big bag of "nope" again. Thankfully, it looks like I can avoid using plan B this time, but it's still there if I need it.
In an effort to find the silver lining, this means I won't be trying to race a brand new bike with zero seat time. Instead, my leg will have some time to regain at least a tiny bit of muscle and I'll have several opportunities for seat time on the bike before I try to race it in just over a month.
Doc made a point of telling me "you do realize you're on the fast end of things, right?" Well, actually, no, I wasn't feeling that way, but it's hard to say, too, because I'm not sure how bad my breaks were compared to other people who've recovered faster. I've seen some worse than mine that took a lot longer to heal, but they exploded their bones.
As of today I'm still using crutches - mostly because I don't want to over strain things, and I'm faster on two crutches if I need to get somewhere quickly. If I can take my time I'm using one crutch, and have my cane with me for the weekend. Not feeling up to walking without assistance though.
PT starts next week, and if I can ride the street bike to work, I'll be back at the gym as of next week as well. Yay for forward progress and being past the waiting period! I know this is going to suck, and it's going to hurt like a bitch, but at least it's progress :)
After my last visit I was planning on bad news - things didn't go well at that one and I needed to have all my ducks in a row before I was caught holding a big bag of "nope" again. Thankfully, it looks like I can avoid using plan B this time, but it's still there if I need it.
In an effort to find the silver lining, this means I won't be trying to race a brand new bike with zero seat time. Instead, my leg will have some time to regain at least a tiny bit of muscle and I'll have several opportunities for seat time on the bike before I try to race it in just over a month.
Doc made a point of telling me "you do realize you're on the fast end of things, right?" Well, actually, no, I wasn't feeling that way, but it's hard to say, too, because I'm not sure how bad my breaks were compared to other people who've recovered faster. I've seen some worse than mine that took a lot longer to heal, but they exploded their bones.
As of today I'm still using crutches - mostly because I don't want to over strain things, and I'm faster on two crutches if I need to get somewhere quickly. If I can take my time I'm using one crutch, and have my cane with me for the weekend. Not feeling up to walking without assistance though.
PT starts next week, and if I can ride the street bike to work, I'll be back at the gym as of next week as well. Yay for forward progress and being past the waiting period! I know this is going to suck, and it's going to hurt like a bitch, but at least it's progress :)
Monday, March 13, 2017
Oh the Waiting Game
It's bad enough dealing with a broken leg and the problems that causes. It causes even more problems when you live alone, are very single, and when your commute isn't conducive to getting around on crutches. Let's not even get into things like medical bills.
Here I sit yet again waiting for my next follow up. I'm not holding my breath this time, expecting bad news (even though there's really no good reason to be expecting bad news, at least judging by how my leg feels). I've got ducks lined up for best and worst case scenarios, including use of small motorcycle to solve my commute woes. As far as my truck goes - well, I'm mostly screwed in that department. I'll be back to driving it whether I'm "released" for it or not. I'm planning two very different sets of weekend plans - one if things go well, one if they go poorly.
I'm obviously hoping for good news, but learned my lesson the last time and am assuming things won't go well, and plan B is about as solidified as plan A. I'm still super moody. Sometimes, in the moment, I can be happy and ignoring the situation, but it doesn't take much to get a brutal reminder of just how things really are. Even when things are feeling better, I'm getting constant reminders of just how miserable this recovery is going to be - and that's without extra complications!
On a good note, that fracture blister is FINALLY healing over - it's now rather tiny, and mostly closed over, just a tiny spot left and it's steadily been closing in. I've never fought a wound that long...so glad to finally have some noticeable progress.
My ortho mentioned something about internal infections from the hardware that show up weeks after surgery - I don't think there was a particular reason other than the slow healing on the blister sore (but I think I know why that slowed and it wasn't because of something along that line). But I've thought about it a couple times - will need to do more reading up on that. I've heard of it happening to people, and at this point I have delusions that I'm special. Not sure how'd you even know about it if you're feeling fine otherwise???
48 more hours until I'm sitting in his office wondering what he's going to tell me. I think I'm mostly dreading it this time, convinced it won't be good news. Although, good news or not, I'm making plans of getting back on bikes regardless. A little bike on the street that I can manage with one leg, and plans to get on my race bike at the next track day and at least do some slow laps even if I need help getting on and off the bike in the pits. My mind needs the release - mentally I feel like I'm falling apart, holding it together with a thin thread that keeps getting stretched. Even super slow laps on a bike, or simply commuting in on the freeway at 5am to avoid traffic would do wonders for my soul right now....
Here I sit yet again waiting for my next follow up. I'm not holding my breath this time, expecting bad news (even though there's really no good reason to be expecting bad news, at least judging by how my leg feels). I've got ducks lined up for best and worst case scenarios, including use of small motorcycle to solve my commute woes. As far as my truck goes - well, I'm mostly screwed in that department. I'll be back to driving it whether I'm "released" for it or not. I'm planning two very different sets of weekend plans - one if things go well, one if they go poorly.
I'm obviously hoping for good news, but learned my lesson the last time and am assuming things won't go well, and plan B is about as solidified as plan A. I'm still super moody. Sometimes, in the moment, I can be happy and ignoring the situation, but it doesn't take much to get a brutal reminder of just how things really are. Even when things are feeling better, I'm getting constant reminders of just how miserable this recovery is going to be - and that's without extra complications!
On a good note, that fracture blister is FINALLY healing over - it's now rather tiny, and mostly closed over, just a tiny spot left and it's steadily been closing in. I've never fought a wound that long...so glad to finally have some noticeable progress.
My ortho mentioned something about internal infections from the hardware that show up weeks after surgery - I don't think there was a particular reason other than the slow healing on the blister sore (but I think I know why that slowed and it wasn't because of something along that line). But I've thought about it a couple times - will need to do more reading up on that. I've heard of it happening to people, and at this point I have delusions that I'm special. Not sure how'd you even know about it if you're feeling fine otherwise???
48 more hours until I'm sitting in his office wondering what he's going to tell me. I think I'm mostly dreading it this time, convinced it won't be good news. Although, good news or not, I'm making plans of getting back on bikes regardless. A little bike on the street that I can manage with one leg, and plans to get on my race bike at the next track day and at least do some slow laps even if I need help getting on and off the bike in the pits. My mind needs the release - mentally I feel like I'm falling apart, holding it together with a thin thread that keeps getting stretched. Even super slow laps on a bike, or simply commuting in on the freeway at 5am to avoid traffic would do wonders for my soul right now....
Thursday, March 9, 2017
When Your Body Has Failed You
I don't know if this is normal or if it's something that is more unique to people who are athletic, fit, participate in intense activities, etc. Either way, I'm feeling like my body has failed me.
While the injury makes logical sense, it doesn't make emotional sense. Legs are supposed to be strong. They should be able to hold up a lot. They shouldn't fail us in uneventful situations and they sure as shit shouldn't fail us that badly. And they really, really shouldn't be slow healing and drag on.
Yet, I hear the same story I'm now telling over and over again. How something that seemed relatively minor at the time, or at the very least didn't warrant the outcome you had, has sidelined someone who right up until that moment was kicking ass and taking names.
Yesterday I went and audited a track school since I wasn't in a position to ride. I got some information, but it wasn't as valuable as it could have been. Not being able to ride meant no physical training, and all I could do was think about what I might do, but no opportunities to practice it or actually train my actual responses.
At the end of the day i worked with one of the trainers I know to go over some body positioning that I could use to help get me through when I start riding and when I actually get leg strength back. I was sitting on the bike, trying to get into position as best I could and that leg just wasn't there. It wasn't painful (we were working on ways to ride around it), but it was utterly failing me. I distinctly recall looking at that leg and just glaring at it. Not on purpose, but that was my response.
I've started using the leg a little bit despite my doctors instructions. Historically, I've been a fast healer who recovers quickly and shocks the doctors with how well things heal. I've never listened to my doctors advice, instead going with what my body was telling me.
This leg was the first time I've listened to my doctor 100%, and it's healing slow. Sure, maybe that's my doctor's way of avoiding a lawsuit or something, but obviously things aren't moving along. My leg and my body tell me they're ready for more, so screw it, I'm going to listen, to hell with the doctors advice.
Yes, I'll still be careful, no, I'm not trying to put full weight or anything like that, but I am putting some weight and "walking" with my crutches. And guess what? My leg seems happier. Pain and swelling are generally decreasing. It's bouncing back quicker and quicker. And my mood is ever so slightly improving. I have no idea if the x-rays will agree that this has been a good idea, but right now, my body is telling me it is.
I still feel like my body has failed me though. That leg shouldn't have broken is what my heart tells me. My head says there was a reason, my heart does not. I feel like I can't trust my body anymore. Not just that leg, but my body in general. Like it's just going to blow apart for no reason. It served me well for many years, but some stupid little thing and it shatters. I'm trying to avoid the negative energy, but man, I see and feel that leg and I just want to yell at it, chew it out, and tell it how worthless it is. I know that won't help, but that's what my heart wants to do right now.
While the injury makes logical sense, it doesn't make emotional sense. Legs are supposed to be strong. They should be able to hold up a lot. They shouldn't fail us in uneventful situations and they sure as shit shouldn't fail us that badly. And they really, really shouldn't be slow healing and drag on.
Yet, I hear the same story I'm now telling over and over again. How something that seemed relatively minor at the time, or at the very least didn't warrant the outcome you had, has sidelined someone who right up until that moment was kicking ass and taking names.
Yesterday I went and audited a track school since I wasn't in a position to ride. I got some information, but it wasn't as valuable as it could have been. Not being able to ride meant no physical training, and all I could do was think about what I might do, but no opportunities to practice it or actually train my actual responses.
At the end of the day i worked with one of the trainers I know to go over some body positioning that I could use to help get me through when I start riding and when I actually get leg strength back. I was sitting on the bike, trying to get into position as best I could and that leg just wasn't there. It wasn't painful (we were working on ways to ride around it), but it was utterly failing me. I distinctly recall looking at that leg and just glaring at it. Not on purpose, but that was my response.
I've started using the leg a little bit despite my doctors instructions. Historically, I've been a fast healer who recovers quickly and shocks the doctors with how well things heal. I've never listened to my doctors advice, instead going with what my body was telling me.
This leg was the first time I've listened to my doctor 100%, and it's healing slow. Sure, maybe that's my doctor's way of avoiding a lawsuit or something, but obviously things aren't moving along. My leg and my body tell me they're ready for more, so screw it, I'm going to listen, to hell with the doctors advice.
Yes, I'll still be careful, no, I'm not trying to put full weight or anything like that, but I am putting some weight and "walking" with my crutches. And guess what? My leg seems happier. Pain and swelling are generally decreasing. It's bouncing back quicker and quicker. And my mood is ever so slightly improving. I have no idea if the x-rays will agree that this has been a good idea, but right now, my body is telling me it is.
I still feel like my body has failed me though. That leg shouldn't have broken is what my heart tells me. My head says there was a reason, my heart does not. I feel like I can't trust my body anymore. Not just that leg, but my body in general. Like it's just going to blow apart for no reason. It served me well for many years, but some stupid little thing and it shatters. I'm trying to avoid the negative energy, but man, I see and feel that leg and I just want to yell at it, chew it out, and tell it how worthless it is. I know that won't help, but that's what my heart wants to do right now.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Don't Bother Getting Your Hopes Up
Warning: VENT about to commence.
When you're dealing with a broken leg, everyone around you will tell you how you should keep your hopes up; how things will be fine; how it's all going to work out. The reality is that they are almost never there to actually help make that your reality. There is an outpouring of offers of help at the beginning - after a few months, it's like pulling teeth to get help when you NEED it, none the less when it would be nice to have. Even though not a single damn thing has changed about your ability to deal with things, other people get tired of putting up with it and basically get a "fuck you, we don't give a shit anymore" attitude.
Sure, you've stuck with it. You've dealt with it and done all you can to try to get through it as fast as possible. You even let yourself get your hopes up despite knowing it was stupid, but everyone constantly telling you that you need to be "happy" and you gave in and got a little hopeful. If you get hopeful, YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. What you should have done was just accept that your life is over indefinitely, and don't bother with hoping or planning on anything until you've been told otherwise. If you get hopeful, you're only setting yourself up to get bitch slapped with reality and to find out that you can now try to face the reality of everyone else having expired their ability and willingness to help. You should have planned on that being the case, not on things maybe being okay - because they won't be.
Plan on the worst case scenario. Do not for one second think things might be better, or that you'll be the exception. If they are better, that's awesome, but if they aren't, at least you won't have to deal with yet ANOTHER let down. This is going to suck bad enough without constantly getting slapped with the reality that all of your hard work meant absolutely nothing and 57-year-old couch potatoes can heal just as fast eating their bonbons being fat and lazy.
So this is the reality of my world. My doctor had made it sound like I might get released for weight bearing. Being one of the fucking idiots mentioned above, I managed to convince myself that that "maybe" was more like a "probably" and got hopeful. I got hopeful that maybe my shot at a championship could still happen. I got hopeful that my vehicle and commute issues, which were about to come to a head, wouldn't be a problem. I got hopeful that I'd be able to start working on the next steps of my recovery.
Instead, I got the call that none of that was true or going to happen. There wasn't enough calcification for him to feel like weight bearing was a good idea. A minimum of another two weeks, at which point we'd take new x-rays and look again. And things may not be that great even then, so don't count on anything (okay, I added that last part, because IT'S TRUE).
This means I have to try to find someone willing to trade vehicles with me yet again since the owner of the truck I've been using needs it back. This means I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to get to work - they can't keep covering my Lyft, I can't afford that shit, and since I can't step on that leg, I can't navigate escalators without a huge fall risk.
Therefore, doctor's orders or not, good idea or not, it looks like I'm going to be trying to get back onto the bike and carrying the crutches with me. I have no other reasonable options. I'm out of options at this point. No one has sympathies after 3 fucking months - it doesn't matter what your situation is, the reality is that NO ONE GIVES A REAL FUCK. You're on your own, so you best figure it out, doctor's ordered be damned.
Oh, and those hopes of doing something fun, maybe actually doing what you love doing? Ya, put all that on indefinite hold again, too. What idiot thinks it's a good idea to believe it could happen by a certain date? Hell, it might be silly to think it'll ever happen again....there are no promises of it at this point, so be careful of hoping for something that may never happen.
When you're dealing with a broken leg, everyone around you will tell you how you should keep your hopes up; how things will be fine; how it's all going to work out. The reality is that they are almost never there to actually help make that your reality. There is an outpouring of offers of help at the beginning - after a few months, it's like pulling teeth to get help when you NEED it, none the less when it would be nice to have. Even though not a single damn thing has changed about your ability to deal with things, other people get tired of putting up with it and basically get a "fuck you, we don't give a shit anymore" attitude.
Sure, you've stuck with it. You've dealt with it and done all you can to try to get through it as fast as possible. You even let yourself get your hopes up despite knowing it was stupid, but everyone constantly telling you that you need to be "happy" and you gave in and got a little hopeful. If you get hopeful, YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. What you should have done was just accept that your life is over indefinitely, and don't bother with hoping or planning on anything until you've been told otherwise. If you get hopeful, you're only setting yourself up to get bitch slapped with reality and to find out that you can now try to face the reality of everyone else having expired their ability and willingness to help. You should have planned on that being the case, not on things maybe being okay - because they won't be.
Plan on the worst case scenario. Do not for one second think things might be better, or that you'll be the exception. If they are better, that's awesome, but if they aren't, at least you won't have to deal with yet ANOTHER let down. This is going to suck bad enough without constantly getting slapped with the reality that all of your hard work meant absolutely nothing and 57-year-old couch potatoes can heal just as fast eating their bonbons being fat and lazy.
So this is the reality of my world. My doctor had made it sound like I might get released for weight bearing. Being one of the fucking idiots mentioned above, I managed to convince myself that that "maybe" was more like a "probably" and got hopeful. I got hopeful that maybe my shot at a championship could still happen. I got hopeful that my vehicle and commute issues, which were about to come to a head, wouldn't be a problem. I got hopeful that I'd be able to start working on the next steps of my recovery.
Instead, I got the call that none of that was true or going to happen. There wasn't enough calcification for him to feel like weight bearing was a good idea. A minimum of another two weeks, at which point we'd take new x-rays and look again. And things may not be that great even then, so don't count on anything (okay, I added that last part, because IT'S TRUE).
This means I have to try to find someone willing to trade vehicles with me yet again since the owner of the truck I've been using needs it back. This means I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to get to work - they can't keep covering my Lyft, I can't afford that shit, and since I can't step on that leg, I can't navigate escalators without a huge fall risk.
Therefore, doctor's orders or not, good idea or not, it looks like I'm going to be trying to get back onto the bike and carrying the crutches with me. I have no other reasonable options. I'm out of options at this point. No one has sympathies after 3 fucking months - it doesn't matter what your situation is, the reality is that NO ONE GIVES A REAL FUCK. You're on your own, so you best figure it out, doctor's ordered be damned.
Oh, and those hopes of doing something fun, maybe actually doing what you love doing? Ya, put all that on indefinite hold again, too. What idiot thinks it's a good idea to believe it could happen by a certain date? Hell, it might be silly to think it'll ever happen again....there are no promises of it at this point, so be careful of hoping for something that may never happen.
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