Stress and Broken Legs Don't Mix

I have been on an emotional rollar coaster the past couple months. Between all the drama with the leg, the constant treatment needed for that, making it to appointments, stress from my job(s) (ironically it's more my part-time job stressing me out than my full time job), having to go through the process of looking at a house, finding the money to make the deposits and extra month of rent, to arranging movers, packing up my entire life, moving itself, then finishing up the move - all of this with not a single day off, OH, and ya, that dream trip to Italy I've been planning for the past year - ya, we leave on Monday. I won't be finished moving until Sunday morning.

All of this has me in varying states of emotions that I'm really struggling to contain sometimes. Some things make me very happy - my new commute is great, I like my little place (it's a bit small, but live-with-able), my roomies seem pretty cool, I'm riding and racing and I'm heading off on a dream trip. Some things have me wanting to scream - I really wanted ONE day off to work on the moving stuff, but that couldn't happen; I couldn't afford to have the movers take all the little stuff, so I've been back and forth to finish that all up, plus all the cleaning; moving in general is stressful enough; finances have me scraping and groveling; and let's not even get going on the leg saga.

I try to "pretend" that the leg stuff is minor, and that I'll heal and be fine, but that's not necessarily reality, and I'm a realist. Reality is that I still have, at a minimum, one more surgery yet this year (potentially more if the infection has spread), I may still very well lose my leg someday (which sometimes makes all the PT and dealing with recovery stuff feel like "is it worth it?"), and I'm still dealing with all of this very, very much alone.

Add in little things like, as I increase my activity, I pay for it dearly with every. single. step being a reminder that I will never be normal again. Medical bills piling up on my desk with no way to pay them, can't even really afford another payment plan. Worried about work and living after my next surgery and how long that's going to have me laid up. Wondering how the hell I'm going to get around during that time when I only have my (manual) truck to drive (I do have my scooter which I could probably make work around town/to get to BART).

There's a lot of things I'm hoping for, but if there's one thing this entire situation has taught me is that "hope" is about the worst thing you can do. You're best off understanding reality, knowing that you're NOT special, you ARE just a statistic, and understand you have as much chance of being in that 2% group as you do of being in the 98% group...and don't believe for one second that you are in that 98% until you KNOW you are. Because if you draw the short straw and are in that 2%, you will be devastated. Best to have a happier outcome than you planned on than the other way around.

Here's how long it's been:

• 17,452,800 seconds
• 290,880 minutes
• 4848 hours
• 202 days
• 28 weeks and 6 days
• 55.34% of a common year (365 days)

No wonder depression is a constant battle.

PICC line tips and tricks

I'm officially on my final week of the IV antibiotics (well, at least for now). Since I got some good tips from a few sources, I wanted to compile my experience and the things you can do in advance to help you prepare for life with a PICC line and the infusions.

Before hand:
Purchase the following items:
--Care + Wear sleeves (buy the smaller size if you're in between or at the very small end of a size range). I bought 3 so I could always have a clean one if I needed it.
--Shower sleeve cover (I got one by Libmo on Amazon - it wasn't the cheapest, but it has worked GREAT).
--Cloth tape (I got some that was pre-scored into ~1 1/2" strips) - you'll use this to hold lines where you want them, or I've used it on the edge of my dressing when it was starting to come up).
--Medical gloves (I mostly used these when infusing away from home)
--Request a bunch of caps from the line-installers - my infusion center told me I could leave the end of the line out - on my friend's advice I got the caps when they put in the line and I've kept one on there and clean it every time I infuse. Not sure if it makes a difference or not, but it makes me feel better to have that cover on there. The infusion center threw it out when they replaced my end each week though, so stock up when you get them!

During:
--Lots of advice about avoiding a lot of things. Let's just put it this way - I've been going to the race track (which includes loading my 450lb motorcycle into my truck, all my tool boxes, etc) riding, getting in and out of one-piece leather suits, racing my motorcycle, commuting on my bike daily, I MOVED (I did hire movers for the really heavy lifting part), etc. I have had ZERO issues with my PICC line since the first week. No pain, no discomfort, no movement - but I wear one of my sleeves 24/7, too. Lifesavers they are!!!
--Don't be afraid of activity. Sure, maybe a bunch of repetitive, heavy weight lifting might not be a great idea, but vacuuming or doing dishes? Unless that kind of activity is "normally" difficult, I have had NO problems with my day to day life, and have not avoided any "normal" daily activities. I haven't been the gym, but that has more to do with my leg than the PICC.
--BE RELIGIOUS about cleanliness when setting up for infusion and taking it off. Clean the surface where you will set things out, keep your hands super clean, etc. If I touch ANYTHING after washing (including unwrapping my syringes or any other surface) I re-clean my hands or put on gloves. Scrub the end of your line very well - I usually scrub with the alcohol pad for 23-30 seconds. Might be overkill, but I did NOT want any complications that I could avoid! Then be very careful that the end does not touch anything until it's a sealed system again. After infusing I always cleaned it again since it had been a good hour or more. Yup, not into taking chances.

A few caveats:
--My dressings were changed weekly at the infusion center, not at home or by myself.
--Other than the orthopedic infection, I'm an otherwise healthy adult (I do not have a compromised immune system and my body was not weakened by any other issues).
--I had to infuse 3 times a day (once every ~8 hours) so things such as a blocked line were less likely to occur since I was constantly pushing fluid through it.

Meh Day

Today is a day of mixed emotions, much of it probably propagated by a lack of sleep and stress. The breaking point, however, is the stupid leg. The rest I'm managing to control and keep it together, that's the one thing that has me fighting back the tears as I sit at work. WTF.

This was one of those days where the leg is just stiff. Yesterday was a LONG day. I was moving, and while I hired movers to do all the heaving lifting (good-bye money for my dream trip to Italy :( ), I was still making a truck-bed full of "little" stuff and bike stuff - twice. Traffic was also a nightmare, and since my truck is a manual, I sat in stop and go traffic for what amounted to about 3-4 hours yesterday. Meaning, my leg got a WORKOUT.

That left me with a sore, tired, leg today. It was okay earlier, but still stiffer than I'd like. I started dwelling on the stiffness. I got to thinking about how my PT had noticed things in my gait that needed correcting. And then I started getting mad at my insurance for saying I didn't need anymore PT and they were done paying for it. I was too worn out and tired to deal with the appeals just to get that "second set of eyes" on things since I had the majority of exercises I needed to do - it was just more matter of catching incorrect things before they became a problem.

I then just started getting frustrated at the entire system. I'm tired, sore, stressed, and stiff and limping, and financially strained. And it all just was a straw that I couldn't seem to bear today. Hopefully my ride home tonight and getting some more unpacking done will improve my mood, but man, right now I'm just frustrated and tired and just wish this was all nothing more than a bad dream. ALL of it. From the break, to the finances, to the infection, to the missed riding time, to the ruined race season, to the daily pain, to the potentially very bleak future. Just not able to handle it today.

Rolling Along

The finish line is in sight for the IV antibiotics - less than 2 weeks remaining. My sleep is still an issue, I struggle pretty bad with afternoon crashes and my nighttime sleep schedule is just all messed up, but other than that, not too terrible. Thus far I've avoided any complications, but I try to be meticulous about being sanitary when I've got the PICC line out and open.

Other than that, I've stayed pretty active with it - granted, I haven't been to the gym (time, not an inability to go), but I've raced, done track days, loaded and unloaded my truck for those things, packed my house for the pending move tomorrow, etc. Honestly, after the first couple weeks, the line stopped bugging me (or I got used to it). It hasn't really hampered my ability to do things - I do try to be a little cautious/cognizant of it, but I don't favor the arm, either - just careful not to go scraping a suit sleeve over it or that sort of thing.

Whether it's good or not, I've maxed out my OOP maximum for my insurance, so hopefully the medical bills I've been slammed with will be the end of it. I'm going to push to be sure hardware removal is done before that resets again, getting slammed with 2 years worth in 6 months is killing me!

My leg is feeling pretty good for the most part. Since it's feeling better I'm finding myself pushing it a little more (longer walks, more use, more riding, etc), and muscles and tendons get bitchy, but the leg itself seems a bit more content. I think the lack of hardware will make things a lot more comfortable, but then there's the recovery after that, so kind of a catch 22 on that one. Granted, the infection pretty much has dictated exactly what is going to happen either way, it's just a question of when. Hoping to avoid any more major interruptions to my race season, I'm just starting to get semi-comfortable on the bike!

The most frustrating thing in all of this is that I'm just in an on-going holding pattern. I'm not healed, I'm not done with it, there will be more set backs and recoveries and who knows what else. It's something I'm going to have to be worried about the rest of my life. There's no just "moving on" because it's still going on. There's no end to it, and you're not even sure to what level your life is going to be altered yet.

Man, if only I had any clue when it happened what this could turn into - granted, I've heard of worse stories (botched surgeries, losing legs due to loss of blood flow, etc), but damn, if only we knew when we were hurt how bad things could be maybe we'd be a little less trusting of the initial docs who are like "it'll be fine, quite taking up space in our ER on a weekend...."

On a happier note, motorcycles picture, because, I'm in love with the bike, just very sad I'm having to learn how to ride it now rather than 6 months ago :(

Life Goes on Despite It All

I'm nearing the halfway mark on the IV antibiotics. With the okay of the infusion nurse I've adjusted the schedule a bit to allow some better sleep because that was causing a number of issues for me, besides general exhaustion, it also makes me cranky and I don't deal with life's little curve balls very well when I'm suffering from a lack of sleep.

Thus far that slight adjustment is helping a bit and I'm finding myself a little less cranky and not fighting sleep the entire day.

Other than that, it's just the ongoing daily routine. Add in moving, and track/race schedules and I'm not getting much down time, but that's probably a good thing as I still can tend to find myself slipping into a pretty negative space pretty easily. There are reasons for that, and they are legitimate concerns, but it doesn't improve my day to day to be in that place, either.

So, overall, just taking one day at a time, and staying busy. Looking forward to getting moved as I really am tired of my commute, and today's traffic just verified that for me yet again LOL. A week and a half, but I need to get my house prepped before that since the moving estimate was pretty high compared to what I think it should be, so I intend to have things as prepared to cut that cost down as much as I can.

At the moment, at least, my leg is feeling better. Guessing that perhaps this infection had been brewing right along, just hadn't manifested until it was irritated. My biggest fear, however, is that the infection will resurface and I simply won't kick it. Heck, it's probably something I'll have to worry about the rest of my life even if things seem okay for now.