We're now into April, exactly 16 months since my first surgery on my pilon, and just 15 1/2 months since my last ORIF, and ~6 1/2 months since my hardware was removed.
I've continued to workout regularly, and try to be careful of any "compensations" that I still catch on occasion. The improvements are much slower at this point, hardly noticeable, really, but they are still there. Just a little more flexion, a little less pain, a bit more weight - not dramatic changes, but coming along at a very slow snail's pace.
The mental side of this injury, even with my outcome, is still interesting to deal with. For the most part, I've accepted that I will have some limitations, but I can still do the things I want, albeit potentially a little modified. I'm actually rejoining my martial art, and while I can tell my ankle will make some things more difficult, I think with training I'll pretty much be able to do everything with some mods as needed.
Riding, my leg isn't much of an issue at all - the biggest problem is nerve damage that is feeling like it may be permanent. I can't feel the peg or the shifter, so I have been struggling with getting my foot into position or accidentally bumping the shift lever. This is something that some seat time and muscle memory will help resolve, just need to train my body to have very deliberate movements and to put my leg where it needs to be.
I'm realizing, however, just how much of an issue my leg was last year. I know why I was riding and racing (a combination of needing the release, my desire to not quite, feeling obligation from sponsors, etc), but I'm seeing just how much it was holding me back. Not only physically (which it definitely was) but also mentally. I didn't have much fun riding or racing last year. It was better than sitting at home depressed and alone (which was the alternative), but it did NOTHING for my riding.
Thank goodness for my coach this year who has the patience of a saint, but also very much recognizes the mental side of things. His focus on that has allowed me to overcome my self-depreciation and actually enjoy riding my bike again. Even with pathetic laptimes, I'm having fun. Because my focus isn't on laptimes, or finishes, but on technique, flow, and the process.
This was something that no one else really seemed to pick up on last year - or at the very least, not in the same way. My one teammate commented on how I needed to "cut myself some slack" so I think he saw it, but most other people were just about "letting it heal." Well, sure, but when you are single AF, don't have family nearby, and your friends all revolve around motorcycles, sitting at home and "letting things heal" for nearly an entire year becomes an entire year of pain, loneliness, and self isolation - which I'm pretty sure would have been way worse.
And therein lies the mental side of this injury. It's a lonely injury. Other than people who've had a pilon themselves, people just don't get it. Your life is altered, and not for a few months, but for a very, very long time, for many, permanently. You're not going to die from it, although you may lose a limb. You may have to consider losing a limb. You may have to find many modifications to keep doing what you enjoy. And for those who come out the other side, they will have dug into a deeper part of themselves that most humans never have to experience.
I think, ultimately, we come out of this better, stronger, and more empathetic people. The journey to becoming that person, however, is wrought with pain and suffering that others simply do not understand. Cancer? Everyone knows how scary and horrible that is, and family and friends rally around that person. "Just" a broken leg? Not so much.
Learning to understand and come to grips with that fact, plus everything else that comes along with the pilon fracture, can make or break people. Some choose to alter their lifestyle and just "accept" a new way of living. Some are determined to make things happen and fight through anyways, or even in spite of, their injury. We'll all have good and bad days, but in the end, which person are you? Who do you choose to be?
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
Pilons are a Looooong Term Deal
I've seen a few lucky souls who seem to have had a pilon fracture and recovered on a "normal" broken leg timeframe - but they are the very rare exceptions. VERY rare exceptions.
That being said, some of us are still better off than others. How intact the joint remains afterwards seems to be the determining factor of "will your life go on, albeit with some (minor) limitations," or "is your life going to be changed dramatically?"
Lucky me I believe I'm part of that middle group. I will never get to "forget" about this injury, but on the other hand, *most* of my life won't be too dramatically affected at least not in the next 20-ish years barring any other complications (such as osteomyelitis flaring up).
Even so, this injury takes a long time to heal, and I mean a LONG time. When you're someone who considers herself fairly fit, pretty darn tough, and have always been a pretty good "healer" things like this can hit a bit hard. I'm 13 months past my last ORIF, and I still, daily, have to think about my leg. First in the morning, it's getting through my workout and trying to regain everything I've lost, plus get what I can out of that leg. Then at the end, it's stretching that ankle out and trying to get the flexibility back that I can. This can leave me in tears on a nearly daily basis.
Then there are the days you just simply piss it off. I did that this weekend when I wore some heels all evening to my annual awards banquet this past Saturday. I'm STILL paying for it on Monday! I managed to still get my workout in, but it's definitely still a bit cranky. And swollen.
OMG the swelling. It's this thing that just never goes away. Most days now aren't too bad, but there's still some. Every day. 395 days of swelling with no end in sight. NOT something I even remotely would have expected when all of this started.
I've got another year - another full YEAR - until I will know what my "new normal" is going to be. So, there are two ways I try to view this: 1) That I have another 335 days to get as much ROM out of this ankle as I possibly can, and 2) that there is still another year of rehab left, and don't be discouraged because it's not *there* yet...you're only half way there, sister!
That's both frustrating and encouraging. Encouraging in that "this isn't the end" but also discouraging that it's been this long and I'm only halfway done LOL.
That being said, some of us are still better off than others. How intact the joint remains afterwards seems to be the determining factor of "will your life go on, albeit with some (minor) limitations," or "is your life going to be changed dramatically?"
Lucky me I believe I'm part of that middle group. I will never get to "forget" about this injury, but on the other hand, *most* of my life won't be too dramatically affected at least not in the next 20-ish years barring any other complications (such as osteomyelitis flaring up).
Even so, this injury takes a long time to heal, and I mean a LONG time. When you're someone who considers herself fairly fit, pretty darn tough, and have always been a pretty good "healer" things like this can hit a bit hard. I'm 13 months past my last ORIF, and I still, daily, have to think about my leg. First in the morning, it's getting through my workout and trying to regain everything I've lost, plus get what I can out of that leg. Then at the end, it's stretching that ankle out and trying to get the flexibility back that I can. This can leave me in tears on a nearly daily basis.
Then there are the days you just simply piss it off. I did that this weekend when I wore some heels all evening to my annual awards banquet this past Saturday. I'm STILL paying for it on Monday! I managed to still get my workout in, but it's definitely still a bit cranky. And swollen.
OMG the swelling. It's this thing that just never goes away. Most days now aren't too bad, but there's still some. Every day. 395 days of swelling with no end in sight. NOT something I even remotely would have expected when all of this started.
I've got another year - another full YEAR - until I will know what my "new normal" is going to be. So, there are two ways I try to view this: 1) That I have another 335 days to get as much ROM out of this ankle as I possibly can, and 2) that there is still another year of rehab left, and don't be discouraged because it's not *there* yet...you're only half way there, sister!
That's both frustrating and encouraging. Encouraging in that "this isn't the end" but also discouraging that it's been this long and I'm only halfway done LOL.
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
The Past Year
December 3, 2016. That is the day I broke my leg. At first (and for quite sometime, actually) I believed it was a "just" a broken leg and I'd be back to my plans for the summer with only a slight delay. Maybe it was a good thing I had no idea what I was in for.
As far as pilon fractures go, mine was far from the worst. Also not the best I've seen, but on the better end of them none the less. Sunday marked my one year anniversary since I broke my leg. At this point, other than a dissolvable stitch that's not quite dissolved yet, everything seems to be healing well now that the metal is out. I'm able to return to the gym (as long as I won't be on my feet all day - I found out the hard way that's still a limitation) and I'm able to start some serious rehabilitation. Things are progressing, and I'm hopeful that my recovery will be a good one, although I am doubtful that I will ever return to my previous normal - but as of right now, it seems the "new normal" will at least be one I can live with.
I'm just hoping I can wear those amazing heels I bought for last year's banquet and never got to wear. Not sure that will happen though :(
The break-versary was a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, I'm happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction, the infection doesn't seem to be remanifesting, and my ROM and strength are slowly but steadily improving. On the other hand, it's been a VERY long year, and there is at least another year of rehabilitation before I can safely assume that's all I can accomplish. Which means a lot of hard work, plenty of frustrations (I'm sure), and a willingness to keep going even when I just really don't want to.
Add in the stress over the past year. Sure, I'm coming out the other side, but to be honest, I don't think I've really come to terms with the amount of stress this ended up costing me. Some friendships were strengthened, some weakened. Some people I developed a greater respect for, some I lost respect for. Much of the year, I felt very, very alone. The struggle was mine, and mine alone, day in and day out. Add in the pressures, spoken and unspoken, self inflicted and not, in regards to my racing. It wasn't until the very end of the year that I finally cut myself some slack. There are some people who I don't think ever did cut me any slack. A few told me I was doing great just being out there. Many inferred that hopes were a lot higher than I was producing. And I was my own worst enemy in that regard.
I have gained a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations. Some of their situations are a million times worse than mine, but this experience opened that side of me in ways that I'm not sure anything else could have. I don't wish it on anyone, and I'd hope people can stay in their "it could be worse, we're praying for you" bubbles, but I have come to realize that those words are just that - empty words that sometimes actually cause a lot of pain. I may not be the biggest volunteer out there, I'll admit that I'm still too busy chasing my dreams, but if I ever tell anyone "it could be worse" again, someone please slap me. That is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who's in a difficult situation.
So a full year has past. This is far from "just a bad memory" and I'm reminded of it constantly, whether it's the nagging ache, a twitching muscle, the twinge while taking every single step....but, I'm walking, working out, and riding, and 2018 is looking like a much better year overall. I learned some very valuable life (and racing) lessons this year, and I am taking those and moving forward.
I think there are some things about myself, in terms of determination and passion, and a stubborness to keep going no matter what that I believe were character changing for me. It still feels like it's not a full fledged realization yet, but I can tell something related to that grew this past year, and I'm sure it will only help propel me forward.
As far as pilon fractures go, mine was far from the worst. Also not the best I've seen, but on the better end of them none the less. Sunday marked my one year anniversary since I broke my leg. At this point, other than a dissolvable stitch that's not quite dissolved yet, everything seems to be healing well now that the metal is out. I'm able to return to the gym (as long as I won't be on my feet all day - I found out the hard way that's still a limitation) and I'm able to start some serious rehabilitation. Things are progressing, and I'm hopeful that my recovery will be a good one, although I am doubtful that I will ever return to my previous normal - but as of right now, it seems the "new normal" will at least be one I can live with.
I'm just hoping I can wear those amazing heels I bought for last year's banquet and never got to wear. Not sure that will happen though :(
The break-versary was a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, I'm happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction, the infection doesn't seem to be remanifesting, and my ROM and strength are slowly but steadily improving. On the other hand, it's been a VERY long year, and there is at least another year of rehabilitation before I can safely assume that's all I can accomplish. Which means a lot of hard work, plenty of frustrations (I'm sure), and a willingness to keep going even when I just really don't want to.
Add in the stress over the past year. Sure, I'm coming out the other side, but to be honest, I don't think I've really come to terms with the amount of stress this ended up costing me. Some friendships were strengthened, some weakened. Some people I developed a greater respect for, some I lost respect for. Much of the year, I felt very, very alone. The struggle was mine, and mine alone, day in and day out. Add in the pressures, spoken and unspoken, self inflicted and not, in regards to my racing. It wasn't until the very end of the year that I finally cut myself some slack. There are some people who I don't think ever did cut me any slack. A few told me I was doing great just being out there. Many inferred that hopes were a lot higher than I was producing. And I was my own worst enemy in that regard.
I have gained a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations. Some of their situations are a million times worse than mine, but this experience opened that side of me in ways that I'm not sure anything else could have. I don't wish it on anyone, and I'd hope people can stay in their "it could be worse, we're praying for you" bubbles, but I have come to realize that those words are just that - empty words that sometimes actually cause a lot of pain. I may not be the biggest volunteer out there, I'll admit that I'm still too busy chasing my dreams, but if I ever tell anyone "it could be worse" again, someone please slap me. That is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who's in a difficult situation.
So a full year has past. This is far from "just a bad memory" and I'm reminded of it constantly, whether it's the nagging ache, a twitching muscle, the twinge while taking every single step....but, I'm walking, working out, and riding, and 2018 is looking like a much better year overall. I learned some very valuable life (and racing) lessons this year, and I am taking those and moving forward.
I think there are some things about myself, in terms of determination and passion, and a stubborness to keep going no matter what that I believe were character changing for me. It still feels like it's not a full fledged realization yet, but I can tell something related to that grew this past year, and I'm sure it will only help propel me forward.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
"Final" Infectious Diseas Appointment
Yesterday I headed in to see my Infectious Diseases dr for what will (hopefully) be my final visit there.
I've been off the antibiotics for a month now (4 weeks), and nothing else was manifesting. The one small spot that was struggling to heal I believe was from a bit of dehiscement due to swelling and all the scar tissue in that area. I started supporting the skin there better, and it healed over and there's been zero drainage (even when there was it was like a drop on the bandaid after a more active day where things had swollen up).
The Dr. was pretty happy with everything and believes we should be in the clear. I asked about things to watch for, just in case, but my research had pretty much already revealed all of that. To quote the Dr, however:
"I'd be really surprised if this returns. We treated it really aggressively, and with the hardware out, it should be fine. You're not a high risk patient (no diabetes, smoking, and you're in good health overall), so I'd be really surprised if it ever came back."
Well, that's good news to hear. Granted, I've read enough about osteomyelitis to know that I can never consider myself 100% in the clear, and any weird issues in that area I need to keep an eye on and fight for proper diagnosis, but at least for now, it seems this may be a thing of the past.
My last doctor appointment is next week with my orthopedist, and I'm hoping that'll be the last time I have to see him - at least for this injury LOL!
I've been off the antibiotics for a month now (4 weeks), and nothing else was manifesting. The one small spot that was struggling to heal I believe was from a bit of dehiscement due to swelling and all the scar tissue in that area. I started supporting the skin there better, and it healed over and there's been zero drainage (even when there was it was like a drop on the bandaid after a more active day where things had swollen up).
The Dr. was pretty happy with everything and believes we should be in the clear. I asked about things to watch for, just in case, but my research had pretty much already revealed all of that. To quote the Dr, however:
"I'd be really surprised if this returns. We treated it really aggressively, and with the hardware out, it should be fine. You're not a high risk patient (no diabetes, smoking, and you're in good health overall), so I'd be really surprised if it ever came back."
Well, that's good news to hear. Granted, I've read enough about osteomyelitis to know that I can never consider myself 100% in the clear, and any weird issues in that area I need to keep an eye on and fight for proper diagnosis, but at least for now, it seems this may be a thing of the past.
My last doctor appointment is next week with my orthopedist, and I'm hoping that'll be the last time I have to see him - at least for this injury LOL!
Monday, October 16, 2017
Nearing the End *Hopefully*
It has been nearly 3 weeks since removing the hardware. The ID doc had me stop the oral antibiotics last Tuesday, which worked out well as I caught a stomach bug and wasn't keeping much down anyways that week.
All of the staples were removed, and things were looking pretty decent. There were a couple spots to keep an eye on, in particular a spot that looked like a bit of a blood blister, and one other spot that seemed to be struggling to heal 100% with swelling, but overall it looked good, so they were all removed.
It's been most of a week since then, and yesterday the scab that the blood blister was came off, and the skin underneath looked pretty good. The other little area seems to be healing fairly well as well, and made it through a long weekend at work without major incident.
I'm all signed up for the final round of the 2017 race season, and looking forward to getting back on a bike again after nearly a month off.
While I still have a "final" follow appointment next month with both my orthopedist and the ID doctor, it feels like this may finally be coming to a close. It will have been only a couple weeks shy of a full year from the day I broke my leg until my final doctor visits. I've learned a lot about a lot of things I didn't really want to know about, including pilon fractures, infections, osteomyelitis, IV antibiotics, PICC lines, multiple surgeries, external fixators, and the many things that go into all of those things including how to live alone with a broken leg.
It has been a long year. The good thing is, I've got pretty good use of my leg, and I'm able to start getting excited about the coming year and making plans on how I'm going to attack the next race season. The prospect is pretty exciting, and I'm glad to finally be excited about something with fewer "ifs" than I've had this entire year.
All of the staples were removed, and things were looking pretty decent. There were a couple spots to keep an eye on, in particular a spot that looked like a bit of a blood blister, and one other spot that seemed to be struggling to heal 100% with swelling, but overall it looked good, so they were all removed.
It's been most of a week since then, and yesterday the scab that the blood blister was came off, and the skin underneath looked pretty good. The other little area seems to be healing fairly well as well, and made it through a long weekend at work without major incident.
I'm all signed up for the final round of the 2017 race season, and looking forward to getting back on a bike again after nearly a month off.
While I still have a "final" follow appointment next month with both my orthopedist and the ID doctor, it feels like this may finally be coming to a close. It will have been only a couple weeks shy of a full year from the day I broke my leg until my final doctor visits. I've learned a lot about a lot of things I didn't really want to know about, including pilon fractures, infections, osteomyelitis, IV antibiotics, PICC lines, multiple surgeries, external fixators, and the many things that go into all of those things including how to live alone with a broken leg.
It has been a long year. The good thing is, I've got pretty good use of my leg, and I'm able to start getting excited about the coming year and making plans on how I'm going to attack the next race season. The prospect is pretty exciting, and I'm glad to finally be excited about something with fewer "ifs" than I've had this entire year.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Small Hardware Store
So I headed in for surgery to remove the hardware on my leg this past Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I was the last scheduled surgery that day, and they were running behind. I didn't go in until after 7pm...so needless to say, it was a late night.
Things apparently went smoothly enough, however, and I was in recovery and thinking about leaving by 9:30pm, with a baggie full of hardware to take home. I was released with "weight bearing as tolerated" and a warning to be extremely cautious about a fall or hard hit due to the swiss cheese that would be my bones - but, according to the doc, "normal" activity wouldn't hurt it. No plans to be on a bike of any variety for a couple weeks, so no worries there, just being careful while navigating the world.
Now it's basically a wait and see if things heal up quickly and nicely or if the infection starts acting up again. Of course, I'm *hoping* it will clear up 100% now that the hardware is out. Obviously he didn't find more damage when he was in there, so it appears the antibiotics at least kept it suppressed - hopefully the slice n dice doesn't give it a chance to act up. Still on the oral antibiotics, and see the ID doc the day after my post-op follow up. I'm slightly stressed, but glad that hardware is out and looking forward to being able to move forward.
Since there wasn't a bunch of bone damage, I've got 3 weeks from now (3 1/2 from the surgery) to heal up before the next race round, so IF things go well, it looks like I just might be able to make the last race of the year.
Things apparently went smoothly enough, however, and I was in recovery and thinking about leaving by 9:30pm, with a baggie full of hardware to take home. I was released with "weight bearing as tolerated" and a warning to be extremely cautious about a fall or hard hit due to the swiss cheese that would be my bones - but, according to the doc, "normal" activity wouldn't hurt it. No plans to be on a bike of any variety for a couple weeks, so no worries there, just being careful while navigating the world.
Now it's basically a wait and see if things heal up quickly and nicely or if the infection starts acting up again. Of course, I'm *hoping* it will clear up 100% now that the hardware is out. Obviously he didn't find more damage when he was in there, so it appears the antibiotics at least kept it suppressed - hopefully the slice n dice doesn't give it a chance to act up. Still on the oral antibiotics, and see the ID doc the day after my post-op follow up. I'm slightly stressed, but glad that hardware is out and looking forward to being able to move forward.
Since there wasn't a bunch of bone damage, I've got 3 weeks from now (3 1/2 from the surgery) to heal up before the next race round, so IF things go well, it looks like I just might be able to make the last race of the year.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Almost "Hardware Out" Time
Yesterday I headed in for my pre-op appointment for my hardware removal surgery in two weeks. By this time in two week I may be celebrating - or crying my eyes out. No idea which way that'll swing right now. The appointment went fine, but I'm ready to have this stuff out of my leg and at least give myself a fighting chance at beating this infection. It's not like it's manifesting externally at all - no swelling, redness, tenderness, even the miscoloration seems more like "normal" coloring for this kind of fracture than infection related - although, that being said, I've convinced myself some of it is infection related, which has me itching to get it out NOW.
Besides all of that though, things have been going fairly well. I'm back to working out, walking a couple miles is no big deal, I can even do some small hopping and short hobble runs. The rebuilding of the leg is slow, and my tendons and such are still needing to re-stretch out, but overall progress is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like (but I also know it's actually not too bad, technically speaking). Honestly, if I didn't KNOW there was an infection in there, and I wasn't taking a pill twice a day because of it, I'd be pretty happy with where things are at.
I've "met" a few people online who've had a pilon fracture that got infected - while I don't wish this on anyone, it's been nice to hear I'm not alone. These fractures are so rare to begin with, none the less when you add in the infection! None of them have lost their leg yet, and most still have hardware in there, so I'm crossing my fingers that this set back won't go the worst possible direction - still not counting on that, but sure am hoping for it.
Today is the second time I've worn my kitten heel shoes to work. Takes a little concentration, especially at first to not walk like a hobbled calf, but it's progress, and nice to feel like I at least "look" like a normal person (as long as no one looks too close at my scars).
Riding the leg is mixed, it definitely causes me problems on right hand corners, BUT, more time, rehab, strengthening, stretching, etc will help with the issues I'm experiencing.
Besides all of that though, things have been going fairly well. I'm back to working out, walking a couple miles is no big deal, I can even do some small hopping and short hobble runs. The rebuilding of the leg is slow, and my tendons and such are still needing to re-stretch out, but overall progress is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like (but I also know it's actually not too bad, technically speaking). Honestly, if I didn't KNOW there was an infection in there, and I wasn't taking a pill twice a day because of it, I'd be pretty happy with where things are at.
I've "met" a few people online who've had a pilon fracture that got infected - while I don't wish this on anyone, it's been nice to hear I'm not alone. These fractures are so rare to begin with, none the less when you add in the infection! None of them have lost their leg yet, and most still have hardware in there, so I'm crossing my fingers that this set back won't go the worst possible direction - still not counting on that, but sure am hoping for it.
Today is the second time I've worn my kitten heel shoes to work. Takes a little concentration, especially at first to not walk like a hobbled calf, but it's progress, and nice to feel like I at least "look" like a normal person (as long as no one looks too close at my scars).
Riding the leg is mixed, it definitely causes me problems on right hand corners, BUT, more time, rehab, strengthening, stretching, etc will help with the issues I'm experiencing.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Adding Activity Back
Part of me couldn't wait to get more active again. The other part of me was scared of it. Heck, there are still things I used to never give a thought to that I now find terrifying (like the idea of jumping - at all, in any way shape or form). Interesting how you just stop trusting your body so easily.
So, I picked some things I knew I could do. This past week I took my roommate's bicycle out for some paved trail rides. They were great workouts, and I was invigorated by just being outside and moving again. Breathing hard, and the hills sucked, but afterwards I felt amazing (even if I was cursing the long uphills during the ride and wondering how anyone found it "fun"). Tonight I'm scheduled to meet a friend/coworker to work out at his cross-fit gym. Sounds like it's a group-class, but "at your own pace" kind of thing. We shall see how that goes. With my inability to jump, hop, run, or jog it may be interesting to see just how limited I'm going to be. Granted, there are modifications I can work on - like a side to side (very) gentle hop I can do....stuff like that. Most things have to be modified - I can't do a normal squat or lunge, either, but those are still good exercises for me to do, so modify away I guess I will.
I'll admit I'm a bit worried about being frustrated by what I can't do...I know it's all self paced, but historically I've been one of the top women in most physical training groups I've been in. To be on the opposite end of the spectrum - well, I'm hoping it doesn't kill my motivation too much. Or make me push more than I should.
On the flip side, I know more activity is good for the leg. Everything points to the idea that it has turned a corner and is responding to more activity instead of more rest. But this is new territory for me - I've never been this hindered by an injury. I don't think the long term hindrance (other than what I would normally expect) will be that horrible (assuming, of course, the infection doesn't continue to be an issue). Speaking of infections, that's the other reason I see more motion a good thing. Keep that blood flowing, get that ankle moving and encourage blood flow in that area. Stress the bone so it is in healing mode and gets more blood/nutrients than it otherwise might - and *hopefully* that will help kick this damn thing in the proverbial ass.
Of course, it may not. Things may still very much not go my way. And that little cloud just keeps on hanging around - partially because I'm so terrified of hearing bad news that I don't want to be ripped about by it if it comes to that. I'd rather be prepared for a worst case scenario - and in the meantime, I've at least drummed up some more motivation to fight a little harder for a better case scenario.
So, I picked some things I knew I could do. This past week I took my roommate's bicycle out for some paved trail rides. They were great workouts, and I was invigorated by just being outside and moving again. Breathing hard, and the hills sucked, but afterwards I felt amazing (even if I was cursing the long uphills during the ride and wondering how anyone found it "fun"). Tonight I'm scheduled to meet a friend/coworker to work out at his cross-fit gym. Sounds like it's a group-class, but "at your own pace" kind of thing. We shall see how that goes. With my inability to jump, hop, run, or jog it may be interesting to see just how limited I'm going to be. Granted, there are modifications I can work on - like a side to side (very) gentle hop I can do....stuff like that. Most things have to be modified - I can't do a normal squat or lunge, either, but those are still good exercises for me to do, so modify away I guess I will.
I'll admit I'm a bit worried about being frustrated by what I can't do...I know it's all self paced, but historically I've been one of the top women in most physical training groups I've been in. To be on the opposite end of the spectrum - well, I'm hoping it doesn't kill my motivation too much. Or make me push more than I should.
On the flip side, I know more activity is good for the leg. Everything points to the idea that it has turned a corner and is responding to more activity instead of more rest. But this is new territory for me - I've never been this hindered by an injury. I don't think the long term hindrance (other than what I would normally expect) will be that horrible (assuming, of course, the infection doesn't continue to be an issue). Speaking of infections, that's the other reason I see more motion a good thing. Keep that blood flowing, get that ankle moving and encourage blood flow in that area. Stress the bone so it is in healing mode and gets more blood/nutrients than it otherwise might - and *hopefully* that will help kick this damn thing in the proverbial ass.
Of course, it may not. Things may still very much not go my way. And that little cloud just keeps on hanging around - partially because I'm so terrified of hearing bad news that I don't want to be ripped about by it if it comes to that. I'd rather be prepared for a worst case scenario - and in the meantime, I've at least drummed up some more motivation to fight a little harder for a better case scenario.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Infections and Pilons
I met with my orthopedist earlier this week and got the updated x-rays done. Basically, it boiled down to this: since the antibiotics are keeping the infection suppressed, and the x-rays look good, we can schedule the hardware removal around my schedule, no rush. If the x-rays looked like the infection was affecting the bone or healing at all, then that would be another matter. But, it doesn't appear that was the case, so I scheduled hardware removal for late September.
One of my main questions to him was how long I'd be looking at being laid up - his answer was a couple weeks, and that's mostly for the incision. He didn't seem too worried about the swiss cheese my leg would end up as, apparently fairly confident in my ability to heal that up in that timeframe.
So, I picked a date that worked with my jobs and race schedule, giving me 3 1/2 weeks to heal after surgery between a couple race rounds. Won't even miss a trackday if all goes with the current plan.
Obviously, I still have to very aware of infection possibles, and there's still a chance I won't kick it after the hardware is out. Or, it can resurface even 20+ years from now for no apparent reason. It's a concern the rest of my life. Guess if I didn't consider my long term health a concern before, this is a damn good reason to consider that now (I've always believed in living a healthier lifestyle, this just gives an even stronger reason).
For now I'm going to start working on getting my fitness back. Pretty sure I could handle an elliptical at this point, and I should head out hiking. I'm starting to settle into my "new" routine since I moved, and am hoping adding some more activity back will help not only with the physical rehab, but the mental as well.
My body will never be what it was...but, hopefully, I can find my new normal, accept it, and hit my goals still, even if not on the timeframe I'm still fighting for.
One of my main questions to him was how long I'd be looking at being laid up - his answer was a couple weeks, and that's mostly for the incision. He didn't seem too worried about the swiss cheese my leg would end up as, apparently fairly confident in my ability to heal that up in that timeframe.
So, I picked a date that worked with my jobs and race schedule, giving me 3 1/2 weeks to heal after surgery between a couple race rounds. Won't even miss a trackday if all goes with the current plan.
Obviously, I still have to very aware of infection possibles, and there's still a chance I won't kick it after the hardware is out. Or, it can resurface even 20+ years from now for no apparent reason. It's a concern the rest of my life. Guess if I didn't consider my long term health a concern before, this is a damn good reason to consider that now (I've always believed in living a healthier lifestyle, this just gives an even stronger reason).
For now I'm going to start working on getting my fitness back. Pretty sure I could handle an elliptical at this point, and I should head out hiking. I'm starting to settle into my "new" routine since I moved, and am hoping adding some more activity back will help not only with the physical rehab, but the mental as well.
My body will never be what it was...but, hopefully, I can find my new normal, accept it, and hit my goals still, even if not on the timeframe I'm still fighting for.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Return from Italy
On June 26th I had my first (hoping last, but that's yet to be determined) PICC line removed. That was a completely painless process, in fact (since I wasn't looking) I had no idea she had even removed it until she said she was done. No complications with the PICC this time around, so that was good.
I had my oral antibiotics in hand and was ready to head off to my Italy adventures, albeit a bit apprehensive about how well my leg would hold up.
Thankfully, the leg held up better than I expected. We did a LOT of walking around, a fair bit of hiking on uneven trails (which I discovered was GREAT for the leg) and overall it was a great trip. Towards the end of the week the leg was getting a little crankier, but by the time we got home after a couple easier days it was back to where it was most of the trip. Less pain and stiffness than I had been experiencing, with a significant increase in activity. Apparently my body was ready to be pushed a little harder, but until the trip, it's responses hadn't really supported that, so I hadn't done so.
Now that I'm back home, I've had to hit the ground running with a few crazy weeks following the trip. Fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of this is centered around riding and racing, which, right now, is a very mixed bag for me.
You see, I'm REALLY struggling with my riding and where I think I should be, where my sponsors think I should be, where my logic-brain says I should be, and where I actually am. The differences are pretty extreme, but it boils down to a simple fact of I'm bordering on being chronically cranky and downright depressed. Part of me knows I'll get to where I want to go, but most of me is struggling with the time involved.
First off, I'm mad about the set back in general. Even if I pull a miracle out of myself, there's been a big set back that I simply can't completely make up for no matter how hard I try. And I'm PISSED. Unspoken pressure from sponsors, friends, and competitors doesn't help me accept this. They've hung with me, but I can feel my status rapidly slipping into "red-headed stepchild" category, and too easily followed with a "buh-bye."
Add in my expectations for myself. Part of me is happy with the progress I've made, and my logic mind sits there and tells me I'm doing great. My racer-brain, however, simply cannot accept that I'm on a far superior machine and not even matching the times I was doing on my previous bike. My goals are not unreachable even now, but the delay in progress has me hating myself but refusing to quit all at the same time. I celebrate the small victories, while at the same time loathing what my leg has become. This dichotomy has my emotions on a roller coaster, and has me on the edge of tears day in and day out, usually never making it through without at least a moment of moist eyeballs.
The crazy busy schedule offers a mixed bag to the mix too - on the one hand, it keeps me busy and I don't get a ton of time to pout or bitch. On the other hand, I don't have time to just rest and relax and process things or gain perspective...just the opposite in fact, where it's constantly being thrown in my face what I cannot do instead of what I can.
Someone on one of my forums talked about comparing herself to the old self instead of comparing against who she is now. I realized that's a huge part of what I'm doing, but I find it nearly impossible NOT to do that, even though I know I shouldn't. It's really a struggle right now, especially when sponsors and such all compare you to where you were planning on going this year, not the present reality that is quite the diversion from the plan.
Then I have that nice little storm cloud that follows me around no matter how hard I shove it away - and that's the little storm cloud that says there's still a good chance I may not get through my life with my leg attached. That is a pill I do NOT want to swallow, but realized I must, and while I try to choke it down, trying to get other people to understand that no, things might NOT be okay, is really hard to do. I'm certainly going to do all I can to keep that from happening, but the reality is that it can happen, and too many people just have no clue what it's like to be in that position. Hell, I never would have, either. So, in the meantime, I just make sure I take my pills every single time and never miss a dose, and do everything I can to keep the leg active and blood flowing there, and pray to the universe that I have a better case scenario than a worst case scenario.
And through all of this trying to learn to accept the reality of the new me. Working on releasing some anger, but struggling with that, too.
I had my oral antibiotics in hand and was ready to head off to my Italy adventures, albeit a bit apprehensive about how well my leg would hold up.
Thankfully, the leg held up better than I expected. We did a LOT of walking around, a fair bit of hiking on uneven trails (which I discovered was GREAT for the leg) and overall it was a great trip. Towards the end of the week the leg was getting a little crankier, but by the time we got home after a couple easier days it was back to where it was most of the trip. Less pain and stiffness than I had been experiencing, with a significant increase in activity. Apparently my body was ready to be pushed a little harder, but until the trip, it's responses hadn't really supported that, so I hadn't done so.
Now that I'm back home, I've had to hit the ground running with a few crazy weeks following the trip. Fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of this is centered around riding and racing, which, right now, is a very mixed bag for me.
You see, I'm REALLY struggling with my riding and where I think I should be, where my sponsors think I should be, where my logic-brain says I should be, and where I actually am. The differences are pretty extreme, but it boils down to a simple fact of I'm bordering on being chronically cranky and downright depressed. Part of me knows I'll get to where I want to go, but most of me is struggling with the time involved.
First off, I'm mad about the set back in general. Even if I pull a miracle out of myself, there's been a big set back that I simply can't completely make up for no matter how hard I try. And I'm PISSED. Unspoken pressure from sponsors, friends, and competitors doesn't help me accept this. They've hung with me, but I can feel my status rapidly slipping into "red-headed stepchild" category, and too easily followed with a "buh-bye."
Add in my expectations for myself. Part of me is happy with the progress I've made, and my logic mind sits there and tells me I'm doing great. My racer-brain, however, simply cannot accept that I'm on a far superior machine and not even matching the times I was doing on my previous bike. My goals are not unreachable even now, but the delay in progress has me hating myself but refusing to quit all at the same time. I celebrate the small victories, while at the same time loathing what my leg has become. This dichotomy has my emotions on a roller coaster, and has me on the edge of tears day in and day out, usually never making it through without at least a moment of moist eyeballs.
The crazy busy schedule offers a mixed bag to the mix too - on the one hand, it keeps me busy and I don't get a ton of time to pout or bitch. On the other hand, I don't have time to just rest and relax and process things or gain perspective...just the opposite in fact, where it's constantly being thrown in my face what I cannot do instead of what I can.
Someone on one of my forums talked about comparing herself to the old self instead of comparing against who she is now. I realized that's a huge part of what I'm doing, but I find it nearly impossible NOT to do that, even though I know I shouldn't. It's really a struggle right now, especially when sponsors and such all compare you to where you were planning on going this year, not the present reality that is quite the diversion from the plan.
Then I have that nice little storm cloud that follows me around no matter how hard I shove it away - and that's the little storm cloud that says there's still a good chance I may not get through my life with my leg attached. That is a pill I do NOT want to swallow, but realized I must, and while I try to choke it down, trying to get other people to understand that no, things might NOT be okay, is really hard to do. I'm certainly going to do all I can to keep that from happening, but the reality is that it can happen, and too many people just have no clue what it's like to be in that position. Hell, I never would have, either. So, in the meantime, I just make sure I take my pills every single time and never miss a dose, and do everything I can to keep the leg active and blood flowing there, and pray to the universe that I have a better case scenario than a worst case scenario.
And through all of this trying to learn to accept the reality of the new me. Working on releasing some anger, but struggling with that, too.
Friday, June 23, 2017
Stress and Broken Legs Don't Mix
I have been on an emotional rollar coaster the past couple months. Between all the drama with the leg, the constant treatment needed for that, making it to appointments, stress from my job(s) (ironically it's more my part-time job stressing me out than my full time job), having to go through the process of looking at a house, finding the money to make the deposits and extra month of rent, to arranging movers, packing up my entire life, moving itself, then finishing up the move - all of this with not a single day off, OH, and ya, that dream trip to Italy I've been planning for the past year - ya, we leave on Monday. I won't be finished moving until Sunday morning.
All of this has me in varying states of emotions that I'm really struggling to contain sometimes. Some things make me very happy - my new commute is great, I like my little place (it's a bit small, but live-with-able), my roomies seem pretty cool, I'm riding and racing and I'm heading off on a dream trip. Some things have me wanting to scream - I really wanted ONE day off to work on the moving stuff, but that couldn't happen; I couldn't afford to have the movers take all the little stuff, so I've been back and forth to finish that all up, plus all the cleaning; moving in general is stressful enough; finances have me scraping and groveling; and let's not even get going on the leg saga.
I try to "pretend" that the leg stuff is minor, and that I'll heal and be fine, but that's not necessarily reality, and I'm a realist. Reality is that I still have, at a minimum, one more surgery yet this year (potentially more if the infection has spread), I may still very well lose my leg someday (which sometimes makes all the PT and dealing with recovery stuff feel like "is it worth it?"), and I'm still dealing with all of this very, very much alone.
Add in little things like, as I increase my activity, I pay for it dearly with every. single. step being a reminder that I will never be normal again. Medical bills piling up on my desk with no way to pay them, can't even really afford another payment plan. Worried about work and living after my next surgery and how long that's going to have me laid up. Wondering how the hell I'm going to get around during that time when I only have my (manual) truck to drive (I do have my scooter which I could probably make work around town/to get to BART).
There's a lot of things I'm hoping for, but if there's one thing this entire situation has taught me is that "hope" is about the worst thing you can do. You're best off understanding reality, knowing that you're NOT special, you ARE just a statistic, and understand you have as much chance of being in that 2% group as you do of being in the 98% group...and don't believe for one second that you are in that 98% until you KNOW you are. Because if you draw the short straw and are in that 2%, you will be devastated. Best to have a happier outcome than you planned on than the other way around.
Here's how long it's been:
All of this has me in varying states of emotions that I'm really struggling to contain sometimes. Some things make me very happy - my new commute is great, I like my little place (it's a bit small, but live-with-able), my roomies seem pretty cool, I'm riding and racing and I'm heading off on a dream trip. Some things have me wanting to scream - I really wanted ONE day off to work on the moving stuff, but that couldn't happen; I couldn't afford to have the movers take all the little stuff, so I've been back and forth to finish that all up, plus all the cleaning; moving in general is stressful enough; finances have me scraping and groveling; and let's not even get going on the leg saga.
I try to "pretend" that the leg stuff is minor, and that I'll heal and be fine, but that's not necessarily reality, and I'm a realist. Reality is that I still have, at a minimum, one more surgery yet this year (potentially more if the infection has spread), I may still very well lose my leg someday (which sometimes makes all the PT and dealing with recovery stuff feel like "is it worth it?"), and I'm still dealing with all of this very, very much alone.
Add in little things like, as I increase my activity, I pay for it dearly with every. single. step being a reminder that I will never be normal again. Medical bills piling up on my desk with no way to pay them, can't even really afford another payment plan. Worried about work and living after my next surgery and how long that's going to have me laid up. Wondering how the hell I'm going to get around during that time when I only have my (manual) truck to drive (I do have my scooter which I could probably make work around town/to get to BART).
There's a lot of things I'm hoping for, but if there's one thing this entire situation has taught me is that "hope" is about the worst thing you can do. You're best off understanding reality, knowing that you're NOT special, you ARE just a statistic, and understand you have as much chance of being in that 2% group as you do of being in the 98% group...and don't believe for one second that you are in that 98% until you KNOW you are. Because if you draw the short straw and are in that 2%, you will be devastated. Best to have a happier outcome than you planned on than the other way around.
Here's how long it's been:
- 17,452,800 seconds
- 290,880 minutes
- 4848 hours
- 202 days
- 28 weeks and 6 days
- 55.34% of a common year (365 days)
Monday, June 19, 2017
PICC line tips and tricks
I'm officially on my final week of the IV antibiotics (well, at least for now). Since I got some good tips from a few sources, I wanted to compile my experience and the things you can do in advance to help you prepare for life with a PICC line and the infusions.
Before hand:
Purchase the following items:
--Care + Wear sleeves (buy the smaller size if you're in between or at the very small end of a size range). I bought 3 so I could always have a clean one if I needed it.
--Shower sleeve cover (I got one by Libmo on Amazon - it wasn't the cheapest, but it has worked GREAT).
--Cloth tape (I got some that was pre-scored into ~1 1/2" strips) - you'll use this to hold lines where you want them, or I've used it on the edge of my dressing when it was starting to come up).
--Medical gloves (I mostly used these when infusing away from home)
--Request a bunch of caps from the line-installers - my infusion center told me I could leave the end of the line out - on my friend's advice I got the caps when they put in the line and I've kept one on there and clean it every time I infuse. Not sure if it makes a difference or not, but it makes me feel better to have that cover on there. The infusion center threw it out when they replaced my end each week though, so stock up when you get them!
During:
--Lots of advice about avoiding a lot of things. Let's just put it this way - I've been going to the race track (which includes loading my 450lb motorcycle into my truck, all my tool boxes, etc) riding, getting in and out of one-piece leather suits, racing my motorcycle, commuting on my bike daily, I MOVED (I did hire movers for the really heavy lifting part), etc. I have had ZERO issues with my PICC line since the first week. No pain, no discomfort, no movement - but I wear one of my sleeves 24/7, too. Lifesavers they are!!!
--Don't be afraid of activity. Sure, maybe a bunch of repetitive, heavy weight lifting might not be a great idea, but vacuuming or doing dishes? Unless that kind of activity is "normally" difficult, I have had NO problems with my day to day life, and have not avoided any "normal" daily activities. I haven't been the gym, but that has more to do with my leg than the PICC.
--BE RELIGIOUS about cleanliness when setting up for infusion and taking it off. Clean the surface where you will set things out, keep your hands super clean, etc. If I touch ANYTHING after washing (including unwrapping my syringes or any other surface) I re-clean my hands or put on gloves. Scrub the end of your line very well - I usually scrub with the alcohol pad for 23-30 seconds. Might be overkill, but I did NOT want any complications that I could avoid! Then be very careful that the end does not touch anything until it's a sealed system again. After infusing I always cleaned it again since it had been a good hour or more. Yup, not into taking chances.
A few caveats:
--My dressings were changed weekly at the infusion center, not at home or by myself.
--Other than the orthopedic infection, I'm an otherwise healthy adult (I do not have a compromised immune system and my body was not weakened by any other issues).
--I had to infuse 3 times a day (once every ~8 hours) so things such as a blocked line were less likely to occur since I was constantly pushing fluid through it.
Before hand:
Purchase the following items:
--Care + Wear sleeves (buy the smaller size if you're in between or at the very small end of a size range). I bought 3 so I could always have a clean one if I needed it.
--Shower sleeve cover (I got one by Libmo on Amazon - it wasn't the cheapest, but it has worked GREAT).
--Cloth tape (I got some that was pre-scored into ~1 1/2" strips) - you'll use this to hold lines where you want them, or I've used it on the edge of my dressing when it was starting to come up).
--Medical gloves (I mostly used these when infusing away from home)
--Request a bunch of caps from the line-installers - my infusion center told me I could leave the end of the line out - on my friend's advice I got the caps when they put in the line and I've kept one on there and clean it every time I infuse. Not sure if it makes a difference or not, but it makes me feel better to have that cover on there. The infusion center threw it out when they replaced my end each week though, so stock up when you get them!
During:
--Lots of advice about avoiding a lot of things. Let's just put it this way - I've been going to the race track (which includes loading my 450lb motorcycle into my truck, all my tool boxes, etc) riding, getting in and out of one-piece leather suits, racing my motorcycle, commuting on my bike daily, I MOVED (I did hire movers for the really heavy lifting part), etc. I have had ZERO issues with my PICC line since the first week. No pain, no discomfort, no movement - but I wear one of my sleeves 24/7, too. Lifesavers they are!!!
--Don't be afraid of activity. Sure, maybe a bunch of repetitive, heavy weight lifting might not be a great idea, but vacuuming or doing dishes? Unless that kind of activity is "normally" difficult, I have had NO problems with my day to day life, and have not avoided any "normal" daily activities. I haven't been the gym, but that has more to do with my leg than the PICC.
--BE RELIGIOUS about cleanliness when setting up for infusion and taking it off. Clean the surface where you will set things out, keep your hands super clean, etc. If I touch ANYTHING after washing (including unwrapping my syringes or any other surface) I re-clean my hands or put on gloves. Scrub the end of your line very well - I usually scrub with the alcohol pad for 23-30 seconds. Might be overkill, but I did NOT want any complications that I could avoid! Then be very careful that the end does not touch anything until it's a sealed system again. After infusing I always cleaned it again since it had been a good hour or more. Yup, not into taking chances.
A few caveats:
--My dressings were changed weekly at the infusion center, not at home or by myself.
--Other than the orthopedic infection, I'm an otherwise healthy adult (I do not have a compromised immune system and my body was not weakened by any other issues).
--I had to infuse 3 times a day (once every ~8 hours) so things such as a blocked line were less likely to occur since I was constantly pushing fluid through it.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Meh Day
Today is a day of mixed emotions, much of it probably propagated by a lack of sleep and stress. The breaking point, however, is the stupid leg. The rest I'm managing to control and keep it together, that's the one thing that has me fighting back the tears as I sit at work. WTF.
This was one of those days where the leg is just stiff. Yesterday was a LONG day. I was moving, and while I hired movers to do all the heaving lifting (good-bye money for my dream trip to Italy :( ), I was still making a truck-bed full of "little" stuff and bike stuff - twice. Traffic was also a nightmare, and since my truck is a manual, I sat in stop and go traffic for what amounted to about 3-4 hours yesterday. Meaning, my leg got a WORKOUT.
That left me with a sore, tired, leg today. It was okay earlier, but still stiffer than I'd like. I started dwelling on the stiffness. I got to thinking about how my PT had noticed things in my gait that needed correcting. And then I started getting mad at my insurance for saying I didn't need anymore PT and they were done paying for it. I was too worn out and tired to deal with the appeals just to get that "second set of eyes" on things since I had the majority of exercises I needed to do - it was just more matter of catching incorrect things before they became a problem.
I then just started getting frustrated at the entire system. I'm tired, sore, stressed, and stiff and limping, and financially strained. And it all just was a straw that I couldn't seem to bear today. Hopefully my ride home tonight and getting some more unpacking done will improve my mood, but man, right now I'm just frustrated and tired and just wish this was all nothing more than a bad dream. ALL of it. From the break, to the finances, to the infection, to the missed riding time, to the ruined race season, to the daily pain, to the potentially very bleak future. Just not able to handle it today.
This was one of those days where the leg is just stiff. Yesterday was a LONG day. I was moving, and while I hired movers to do all the heaving lifting (good-bye money for my dream trip to Italy :( ), I was still making a truck-bed full of "little" stuff and bike stuff - twice. Traffic was also a nightmare, and since my truck is a manual, I sat in stop and go traffic for what amounted to about 3-4 hours yesterday. Meaning, my leg got a WORKOUT.
That left me with a sore, tired, leg today. It was okay earlier, but still stiffer than I'd like. I started dwelling on the stiffness. I got to thinking about how my PT had noticed things in my gait that needed correcting. And then I started getting mad at my insurance for saying I didn't need anymore PT and they were done paying for it. I was too worn out and tired to deal with the appeals just to get that "second set of eyes" on things since I had the majority of exercises I needed to do - it was just more matter of catching incorrect things before they became a problem.
I then just started getting frustrated at the entire system. I'm tired, sore, stressed, and stiff and limping, and financially strained. And it all just was a straw that I couldn't seem to bear today. Hopefully my ride home tonight and getting some more unpacking done will improve my mood, but man, right now I'm just frustrated and tired and just wish this was all nothing more than a bad dream. ALL of it. From the break, to the finances, to the infection, to the missed riding time, to the ruined race season, to the daily pain, to the potentially very bleak future. Just not able to handle it today.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Rolling Along
The finish line is in sight for the IV antibiotics - less than 2 weeks remaining. My sleep is still an issue, I struggle pretty bad with afternoon crashes and my nighttime sleep schedule is just all messed up, but other than that, not too terrible. Thus far I've avoided any complications, but I try to be meticulous about being sanitary when I've got the PICC line out and open.
Other than that, I've stayed pretty active with it - granted, I haven't been to the gym (time, not an inability to go), but I've raced, done track days, loaded and unloaded my truck for those things, packed my house for the pending move tomorrow, etc. Honestly, after the first couple weeks, the line stopped bugging me (or I got used to it). It hasn't really hampered my ability to do things - I do try to be a little cautious/cognizant of it, but I don't favor the arm, either - just careful not to go scraping a suit sleeve over it or that sort of thing.
Whether it's good or not, I've maxed out my OOP maximum for my insurance, so hopefully the medical bills I've been slammed with will be the end of it. I'm going to push to be sure hardware removal is done before that resets again, getting slammed with 2 years worth in 6 months is killing me!
My leg is feeling pretty good for the most part. Since it's feeling better I'm finding myself pushing it a little more (longer walks, more use, more riding, etc), and muscles and tendons get bitchy, but the leg itself seems a bit more content. I think the lack of hardware will make things a lot more comfortable, but then there's the recovery after that, so kind of a catch 22 on that one. Granted, the infection pretty much has dictated exactly what is going to happen either way, it's just a question of when. Hoping to avoid any more major interruptions to my race season, I'm just starting to get semi-comfortable on the bike!
The most frustrating thing in all of this is that I'm just in an on-going holding pattern. I'm not healed, I'm not done with it, there will be more set backs and recoveries and who knows what else. It's something I'm going to have to be worried about the rest of my life. There's no just "moving on" because it's still going on. There's no end to it, and you're not even sure to what level your life is going to be altered yet.
Man, if only I had any clue when it happened what this could turn into - granted, I've heard of worse stories (botched surgeries, losing legs due to loss of blood flow, etc), but damn, if only we knew when we were hurt how bad things could be maybe we'd be a little less trusting of the initial docs who are like "it'll be fine, quite taking up space in our ER on a weekend...."
On a happier note, motorcycles picture, because, I'm in love with the bike, just very sad I'm having to learn how to ride it now rather than 6 months ago :(
Other than that, I've stayed pretty active with it - granted, I haven't been to the gym (time, not an inability to go), but I've raced, done track days, loaded and unloaded my truck for those things, packed my house for the pending move tomorrow, etc. Honestly, after the first couple weeks, the line stopped bugging me (or I got used to it). It hasn't really hampered my ability to do things - I do try to be a little cautious/cognizant of it, but I don't favor the arm, either - just careful not to go scraping a suit sleeve over it or that sort of thing.
Whether it's good or not, I've maxed out my OOP maximum for my insurance, so hopefully the medical bills I've been slammed with will be the end of it. I'm going to push to be sure hardware removal is done before that resets again, getting slammed with 2 years worth in 6 months is killing me!
My leg is feeling pretty good for the most part. Since it's feeling better I'm finding myself pushing it a little more (longer walks, more use, more riding, etc), and muscles and tendons get bitchy, but the leg itself seems a bit more content. I think the lack of hardware will make things a lot more comfortable, but then there's the recovery after that, so kind of a catch 22 on that one. Granted, the infection pretty much has dictated exactly what is going to happen either way, it's just a question of when. Hoping to avoid any more major interruptions to my race season, I'm just starting to get semi-comfortable on the bike!
The most frustrating thing in all of this is that I'm just in an on-going holding pattern. I'm not healed, I'm not done with it, there will be more set backs and recoveries and who knows what else. It's something I'm going to have to be worried about the rest of my life. There's no just "moving on" because it's still going on. There's no end to it, and you're not even sure to what level your life is going to be altered yet.
Man, if only I had any clue when it happened what this could turn into - granted, I've heard of worse stories (botched surgeries, losing legs due to loss of blood flow, etc), but damn, if only we knew when we were hurt how bad things could be maybe we'd be a little less trusting of the initial docs who are like "it'll be fine, quite taking up space in our ER on a weekend...."
On a happier note, motorcycles picture, because, I'm in love with the bike, just very sad I'm having to learn how to ride it now rather than 6 months ago :(
Monday, June 5, 2017
Life Goes on Despite It All
I'm nearing the halfway mark on the IV antibiotics. With the okay of the infusion nurse I've adjusted the schedule a bit to allow some better sleep because that was causing a number of issues for me, besides general exhaustion, it also makes me cranky and I don't deal with life's little curve balls very well when I'm suffering from a lack of sleep.
Thus far that slight adjustment is helping a bit and I'm finding myself a little less cranky and not fighting sleep the entire day.
Other than that, it's just the ongoing daily routine. Add in moving, and track/race schedules and I'm not getting much down time, but that's probably a good thing as I still can tend to find myself slipping into a pretty negative space pretty easily. There are reasons for that, and they are legitimate concerns, but it doesn't improve my day to day to be in that place, either.
So, overall, just taking one day at a time, and staying busy. Looking forward to getting moved as I really am tired of my commute, and today's traffic just verified that for me yet again LOL. A week and a half, but I need to get my house prepped before that since the moving estimate was pretty high compared to what I think it should be, so I intend to have things as prepared to cut that cost down as much as I can.
At the moment, at least, my leg is feeling better. Guessing that perhaps this infection had been brewing right along, just hadn't manifested until it was irritated. My biggest fear, however, is that the infection will resurface and I simply won't kick it. Heck, it's probably something I'll have to worry about the rest of my life even if things seem okay for now.
Thus far that slight adjustment is helping a bit and I'm finding myself a little less cranky and not fighting sleep the entire day.
Other than that, it's just the ongoing daily routine. Add in moving, and track/race schedules and I'm not getting much down time, but that's probably a good thing as I still can tend to find myself slipping into a pretty negative space pretty easily. There are reasons for that, and they are legitimate concerns, but it doesn't improve my day to day to be in that place, either.
So, overall, just taking one day at a time, and staying busy. Looking forward to getting moved as I really am tired of my commute, and today's traffic just verified that for me yet again LOL. A week and a half, but I need to get my house prepped before that since the moving estimate was pretty high compared to what I think it should be, so I intend to have things as prepared to cut that cost down as much as I can.
At the moment, at least, my leg is feeling better. Guessing that perhaps this infection had been brewing right along, just hadn't manifested until it was irritated. My biggest fear, however, is that the infection will resurface and I simply won't kick it. Heck, it's probably something I'll have to worry about the rest of my life even if things seem okay for now.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Mental Struggles
Some days are just - hard.
Today is one of those days, and it's not even so much about me and my predictament (although that, and a lack of sleep due to that, are NOT helping), but more about "life" in general.
I got news over the weekend that I was the person chosen for the private room/suite I had looked at last week, and while that was great news, it also involves a fair bit of stress. First off, I've got to come up with the money for a deposit and move....until I have that approval, I'm stuck in a waiting zone. Due to still playing catch up from the divorce (and not always making the "wisest" financial choices) I'm worried about getting approved for the loan I requested. Yes, I requested a little more than I think I'll need, and I do have collateral in the form of my motorcycle, but it's not promised. I'm not worried about the payments since my new rent will be saving me about $300/month, but I still need that approval!
So there's that stress, PLUS the stress of looking at trying to move in the next month. Additionally, I've still got my trip to Italy to plan for and looming about the time I'd be fully moved (if that happens). Add in the stress of my own issues and the whole leg mess.
And to top it off, today Nicky Hayden #69, an American motorcycle rider passed from injuries sustained in a bicycle accident. Not racing, not doing anything crazy, just riding his bicycle on a road.
Life is so short. We are never promised tomorrow, we have no guarantees of next week. Not everyone enjoys "dangerous" things, but I think things like this hit home with use who do even more. We are in a sport where things like a boring 6mph crash can have devastating consequences, but life still has a way of trumping even that. I think people find it easy to ignore this possibility. When we "live dangerously" we know we are taking risks. We are aware that life is fragile. But seeing how fragile it is even when not doing "dangerous" things tends to hit a little deeper, especially when that person was so well liked and admired.
I'm finding that his death is hitting me harder than I imagined it would. I think a big part of it is because of how he was injured. When someone is injured or dies while racing, it's tragic to be sure, but we know it can happen. Something like this, however, just slaps you across the face with how things can be taken away in a moment.
All of this combined is making it difficult for me to process right now....
Today is one of those days, and it's not even so much about me and my predictament (although that, and a lack of sleep due to that, are NOT helping), but more about "life" in general.
I got news over the weekend that I was the person chosen for the private room/suite I had looked at last week, and while that was great news, it also involves a fair bit of stress. First off, I've got to come up with the money for a deposit and move....until I have that approval, I'm stuck in a waiting zone. Due to still playing catch up from the divorce (and not always making the "wisest" financial choices) I'm worried about getting approved for the loan I requested. Yes, I requested a little more than I think I'll need, and I do have collateral in the form of my motorcycle, but it's not promised. I'm not worried about the payments since my new rent will be saving me about $300/month, but I still need that approval!
So there's that stress, PLUS the stress of looking at trying to move in the next month. Additionally, I've still got my trip to Italy to plan for and looming about the time I'd be fully moved (if that happens). Add in the stress of my own issues and the whole leg mess.
And to top it off, today Nicky Hayden #69, an American motorcycle rider passed from injuries sustained in a bicycle accident. Not racing, not doing anything crazy, just riding his bicycle on a road.
Life is so short. We are never promised tomorrow, we have no guarantees of next week. Not everyone enjoys "dangerous" things, but I think things like this hit home with use who do even more. We are in a sport where things like a boring 6mph crash can have devastating consequences, but life still has a way of trumping even that. I think people find it easy to ignore this possibility. When we "live dangerously" we know we are taking risks. We are aware that life is fragile. But seeing how fragile it is even when not doing "dangerous" things tends to hit a little deeper, especially when that person was so well liked and admired.
I'm finding that his death is hitting me harder than I imagined it would. I think a big part of it is because of how he was injured. When someone is injured or dies while racing, it's tragic to be sure, but we know it can happen. Something like this, however, just slaps you across the face with how things can be taken away in a moment.
All of this combined is making it difficult for me to process right now....
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Early Thoughts on the PICC line Life
I'm about 48 hours into this. A few thoughts at these early stages:
First off, it definitely hurt more than I thought it would, but seems to be abating quickly enough. Didn't really bother me last night at all, and while I did taken an ibuprofen here at work, overall definite improvement.
Secondly, doing my research ahead of time and having things at home and ready for this has been HUGE. I felt prepared, and I was prepared. It's made the transition to this new "life" a tad bit easier. Having the sleeve covers is great, having all my supplies there makes it a million times easier. Far less stress.
Third, this is VERY TIME CONSUMING. They say 30 minutes to infuse - that's a best case scenario, and even with taking things out of the fridge well in advance, most of the time it's more like 40 minutes. Plus prep, flush, flush again, heparin, clean up, it's a solid hour every single time. Granted, at work and in the mornings I go and do other stuff while it's infusing, but that's still a hunk of time. Definitely something you need to plan for if you're going to be doing something where active infusion would be difficult.
Fourth, it's a royal PITA. Twice a day wouldn't be anywhere near as bad, but having to do it 3x a day at 8 hour intervals makes it a LOT more complicated.
Lastly, at this point, it's not seeming too intrusive, BUT, it's also a bit early to tell. Probably too soon to make any judgement calls on side effects or other issues. At this point I'm still paranoid so being extra careful about cleanliness and such - not sure that after several weeks of this that the paranoia will still be as strong. .
Already tired of it. A couple weeks I feel like I could suck it up and deal with it, but god damn, 6 weeks of this is feeling like an eternity right now...
First off, it definitely hurt more than I thought it would, but seems to be abating quickly enough. Didn't really bother me last night at all, and while I did taken an ibuprofen here at work, overall definite improvement.
Secondly, doing my research ahead of time and having things at home and ready for this has been HUGE. I felt prepared, and I was prepared. It's made the transition to this new "life" a tad bit easier. Having the sleeve covers is great, having all my supplies there makes it a million times easier. Far less stress.
Third, this is VERY TIME CONSUMING. They say 30 minutes to infuse - that's a best case scenario, and even with taking things out of the fridge well in advance, most of the time it's more like 40 minutes. Plus prep, flush, flush again, heparin, clean up, it's a solid hour every single time. Granted, at work and in the mornings I go and do other stuff while it's infusing, but that's still a hunk of time. Definitely something you need to plan for if you're going to be doing something where active infusion would be difficult.
Fourth, it's a royal PITA. Twice a day wouldn't be anywhere near as bad, but having to do it 3x a day at 8 hour intervals makes it a LOT more complicated.
Lastly, at this point, it's not seeming too intrusive, BUT, it's also a bit early to tell. Probably too soon to make any judgement calls on side effects or other issues. At this point I'm still paranoid so being extra careful about cleanliness and such - not sure that after several weeks of this that the paranoia will still be as strong. .
Already tired of it. A couple weeks I feel like I could suck it up and deal with it, but god damn, 6 weeks of this is feeling like an eternity right now...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Let the Saga Begin
Just got home from getting the PICC installed and my first infusion.
Getting it put in was pretty much what I expected based off of other people's stories and what I had read. That didn't make me any less nervous about the entire idea of this entire process. The nurse there, to her credit, did her best to try to calm my worst fears....didn't help much, but she tried.
My arm hurt(s) quite a bit after the fact though. She commented several times on how tough my skin and vessels were, not sure if that's part of it, but even after taking 800mg of ibuprofen I'm still feeling it (that did take the worst of the pain off though).
The infusion and teaching process was kind of what I expected after reading about that as well (found a great little guide online from a family that had to deal with one for their daughter who had cancer). Of course, they go over all the possible side effects and issues, and by the time you leave, your fairly convinced you're about to die.
They have me on cefepime, which supposedly does remarkably well against the enterobacter bacteria, so fits with the research I've done as well (for some reason reading scientific articles about these things I find helpful - plus it helps me know what questions to ask).
So now on to the saga of every 8 hours, for 30-40 minutes, I have to hook myself up to this little ball of antibiotics and "infuse." Mostly, this sucks. This means I do not get a full night's sleep for the next 6 weeks, no matter what. That alone probably means no real working out since I'm going to be trying for naps as best as I can, or having to wake myself up after being asleep for an hour. It means carrying drugs and cleaning supplies with me to work every single day, and then dealing with at least one infusion during my work day.
So there are 126 opportunities for me to screw something up. I go in weekly for dressing changes/check ups, and med pick ups. The bags full of supplies that you get is ridiculous....literally a medium size garbage bag worth. For one week. F.M.L.
Supposedly you can do things while infusing, moving around and such won't bother anything, but you still have this tube and little balloon thing you're toting around...ugh.
Emotionally I'm kind of a disaster. Between the fears of something going wrong, or having a bad side effect, or another infection, or the infection we're trying to treat causing even more problems (let's face it, at this point possible amputation isn't off the table yet as a viable option if this goes south); plus the inconvenience of dealing with these drugs; plus trying to live my life around yet another problem; and finally just the time involved. I'm so beat down emotionally I don't even know how to react anymore. Tears, or sheer morbid indifference seem to be the extremes I'm settling in. Now we'll add a lack of sleep to the mix - fuck, I don't want to be around me.
Which leads to the final issue of the simple fact that I'm pulling away from people. I'm not capable of giving a flying fuck about how good things are for them or how "bad" their problems are - unless their problems are truly bad (like, way worse than mine) in which case I'm that much more sympathetic.
All said and done, I get the impression this is exactly what I was expecting - a royal PITA that has the capability to make your life a living nightmare - more so than it already is. And it hurts more than they say - the numbing helped but it did NOT take care of all of the pain, and my arm fucking hurts right now.
Getting it put in was pretty much what I expected based off of other people's stories and what I had read. That didn't make me any less nervous about the entire idea of this entire process. The nurse there, to her credit, did her best to try to calm my worst fears....didn't help much, but she tried.
My arm hurt(s) quite a bit after the fact though. She commented several times on how tough my skin and vessels were, not sure if that's part of it, but even after taking 800mg of ibuprofen I'm still feeling it (that did take the worst of the pain off though).
The infusion and teaching process was kind of what I expected after reading about that as well (found a great little guide online from a family that had to deal with one for their daughter who had cancer). Of course, they go over all the possible side effects and issues, and by the time you leave, your fairly convinced you're about to die.
They have me on cefepime, which supposedly does remarkably well against the enterobacter bacteria, so fits with the research I've done as well (for some reason reading scientific articles about these things I find helpful - plus it helps me know what questions to ask).
So now on to the saga of every 8 hours, for 30-40 minutes, I have to hook myself up to this little ball of antibiotics and "infuse." Mostly, this sucks. This means I do not get a full night's sleep for the next 6 weeks, no matter what. That alone probably means no real working out since I'm going to be trying for naps as best as I can, or having to wake myself up after being asleep for an hour. It means carrying drugs and cleaning supplies with me to work every single day, and then dealing with at least one infusion during my work day.
So there are 126 opportunities for me to screw something up. I go in weekly for dressing changes/check ups, and med pick ups. The bags full of supplies that you get is ridiculous....literally a medium size garbage bag worth. For one week. F.M.L.
Supposedly you can do things while infusing, moving around and such won't bother anything, but you still have this tube and little balloon thing you're toting around...ugh.
Emotionally I'm kind of a disaster. Between the fears of something going wrong, or having a bad side effect, or another infection, or the infection we're trying to treat causing even more problems (let's face it, at this point possible amputation isn't off the table yet as a viable option if this goes south); plus the inconvenience of dealing with these drugs; plus trying to live my life around yet another problem; and finally just the time involved. I'm so beat down emotionally I don't even know how to react anymore. Tears, or sheer morbid indifference seem to be the extremes I'm settling in. Now we'll add a lack of sleep to the mix - fuck, I don't want to be around me.
Which leads to the final issue of the simple fact that I'm pulling away from people. I'm not capable of giving a flying fuck about how good things are for them or how "bad" their problems are - unless their problems are truly bad (like, way worse than mine) in which case I'm that much more sympathetic.
All said and done, I get the impression this is exactly what I was expecting - a royal PITA that has the capability to make your life a living nightmare - more so than it already is. And it hurts more than they say - the numbing helped but it did NOT take care of all of the pain, and my arm fucking hurts right now.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day the PICC BS gets started. I'm wavering between full on terrified-for-my-life fear and morbid resignation. Part of me, after talking with a couple friends who've had one, thinks maybe it won't be that horrible - a royal PITA, and a major complication to my life, but not horrible.
The other part of me is absolutely convinced that with the odds ever being against me, this is going to be another, very expensive, very problematic issue for me and is probably going to cause me more problems and complications than I can possibly imagine.
I'm doing my best to fight off depression that just wants to rule right now, and I'm not always being all that successful. I'm pretty grumpy. I'm finding I have little to no tolerance to listen to other people's problems (unless their situation is at bad or worse than mine, in which case, I seem to have developed more sympathy than I've ever possessed). Friends talking about how "messed up" they are over an online friendship gone wrong - even though they've NEVER met that person in real life - just makes me want to scream! It's all I can do to not tell them to just STFU, you're upset over a virtual friendship, while I'm sitting here facing the scariest medical situation I have ever had to face, and to be honest, I don't give a flying rat's ass about your online friendship problems.
Thankfully the brain to keyboard filter is still somewhat in place and I avoid saying those things (which aren't very nice) by pretty much just not saying much at all.
This is causing me to withdraw even more. Probably a time when I need people more, but I withdraw because:
a) I know I'm cranky, grumpy, and I don't particularly want people trying to make me "feel better" by telling me how good things will be. Fuck off. Unless you have real advice - ie, you've lived through similar and have some REAL advice, STFU and quite telling me how I'll "get through this and life will be grand."
b) My emotions are drained. I'm not likely to be very compassionate right now, and I don't want to hear about your problems. I also admit that I don't want to be distracted from my problems unless it's something I'm choosing to do. Preferably alone.
c) I'm not in an entertaining mood. I may do okay around people when I have to be, but it's doubly-draining compared to normal. Small talk is beyond painful. Even not small talk that right now just seems - trivial - I have trouble being engaged in. So, easier to avoid than appear like a distracted arse.
d) I don't want to be disappointed again by offers of help that never pan out. Better to just believe I'm on my own and save the offers for help for the times I really, really, REALLY need it.
I'm scared of hoping for things to not be "too bad" right now. Nothing about this has shown me that being "hopeful" has helped in any way, shape, or form, and I'm shunning hope. I still want to hope, but also realize that ALL that does is set me up for more disappointment. Better to just accept it as it comes, and expect the worst case scenario. Right now, I've managed to convince myself that I'll be lucky to come out of this with my leg still attached and that that will be my best case scenario....and don't hope for that, pretty much start planning on losing the damn leg and figuring out how you're going to live your life once that happens.
I know it sounds doom and gloom to people, but let's face it, it's not an impossibility, and at this point with everything that's gone wrong so far, statistically speaking, it's still very much on the table....
The other part of me is absolutely convinced that with the odds ever being against me, this is going to be another, very expensive, very problematic issue for me and is probably going to cause me more problems and complications than I can possibly imagine.
I'm doing my best to fight off depression that just wants to rule right now, and I'm not always being all that successful. I'm pretty grumpy. I'm finding I have little to no tolerance to listen to other people's problems (unless their situation is at bad or worse than mine, in which case, I seem to have developed more sympathy than I've ever possessed). Friends talking about how "messed up" they are over an online friendship gone wrong - even though they've NEVER met that person in real life - just makes me want to scream! It's all I can do to not tell them to just STFU, you're upset over a virtual friendship, while I'm sitting here facing the scariest medical situation I have ever had to face, and to be honest, I don't give a flying rat's ass about your online friendship problems.
Thankfully the brain to keyboard filter is still somewhat in place and I avoid saying those things (which aren't very nice) by pretty much just not saying much at all.
This is causing me to withdraw even more. Probably a time when I need people more, but I withdraw because:
a) I know I'm cranky, grumpy, and I don't particularly want people trying to make me "feel better" by telling me how good things will be. Fuck off. Unless you have real advice - ie, you've lived through similar and have some REAL advice, STFU and quite telling me how I'll "get through this and life will be grand."
b) My emotions are drained. I'm not likely to be very compassionate right now, and I don't want to hear about your problems. I also admit that I don't want to be distracted from my problems unless it's something I'm choosing to do. Preferably alone.
c) I'm not in an entertaining mood. I may do okay around people when I have to be, but it's doubly-draining compared to normal. Small talk is beyond painful. Even not small talk that right now just seems - trivial - I have trouble being engaged in. So, easier to avoid than appear like a distracted arse.
d) I don't want to be disappointed again by offers of help that never pan out. Better to just believe I'm on my own and save the offers for help for the times I really, really, REALLY need it.
I'm scared of hoping for things to not be "too bad" right now. Nothing about this has shown me that being "hopeful" has helped in any way, shape, or form, and I'm shunning hope. I still want to hope, but also realize that ALL that does is set me up for more disappointment. Better to just accept it as it comes, and expect the worst case scenario. Right now, I've managed to convince myself that I'll be lucky to come out of this with my leg still attached and that that will be my best case scenario....and don't hope for that, pretty much start planning on losing the damn leg and figuring out how you're going to live your life once that happens.
I know it sounds doom and gloom to people, but let's face it, it's not an impossibility, and at this point with everything that's gone wrong so far, statistically speaking, it's still very much on the table....
Friday, May 12, 2017
Open Letter to the Dude That Hit Me
Warning - NSFW language
Pretty sure he'll never read this, as his life has moved on and I'm guessing at best "our" crash is nothing but a hazy memory for him - if it even holds that status. So this "open letter" is mostly to get some things off my chest that I've felt the need to say.
You, sir, are an ass.
And that's kind of the nicer of the terms I sometimes use.
Trust me, I get that with riding (and especially racing) motorcycles, shit happens. Happens to all of us, we make a bad judgement call, and if we're unlucky, we may drag someone else into our stupidity. It's one of the unfortunate aspects of the sport. Good sportsman, however, take responsibility for their actions and will go out of their way to, at the very least, apologize and do their best to help the other person out (as much as you would in a "no-fault" environment).
I'm not sure if at some point you did or did not give a very fleeting apology, but if you did, it was disingenuous enough that I have zero recollection of it. You had another day and a half to make it clear that you felt bad about the fact that you made a mistake, and I paid a really fucking high price for your ego-driven need to not sit behind a girl for one corner in the middle of a training class. Therefore, my only conclusion is that you didn't give a shit. We also became FB friends that weekend, and I have NEVER gotten so much as a "hey, how's it going, sorry things are so fucked up" note.
While your life has moved on, Mr. Testosterone, mine is still a daily battle to try to keep my leg, function alone, and get through this alive. All because you just had to have that pass. And were too much of a spoiled brat to even think that maybe, just maybe, the person who's life you destroyed for the next year, the person who, for the rest of their given days will NEVER be allowed to forget this day since every-single-step they take will serve as a reminder of your stupidity, deserved a real apology.
Yes, I'm pissed. Pretty sure rightfully so. If I ever see you in person again, you had best be presenting yourself with the most humble, groveling apology known to man, or don't get anywhere near me. I am not sure I could contain myself or if this pent up rage over having my year, life, and foreseeable racing career destroyed, delayed, and who knows what other impacts, will surface and you will, at minimum, get an earful of exactly the kind of worm I believe you to be....and to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'd stop there.
All I needed was an apology, a sign that you felt bad that it happened, and that you had some iota of concern for the person who's life you have forever altered.
There are very, very, VERY few people on this planet who I have come to loathe. You, sir, at this point, are one of them. If by some unknown reason you get wind of this letter, the truth is that I'm a pretty forgiving person - a little humility and concern on your part would go a really, really long ways towards repairing my opinion of you. In the meantime, however, you have officially been placed on the extremely short list of people (um, I think there's only two of you on there) who I do not ever want to see in my entire life. Or maybe I do because then I could get some satisfaction from at least knowing you were aware of what a piece of shit you are in my mind.
Now I shall go return to the nightmare that my life has become. Thanks, asshole, for not even being apologetic that I now am facing the scariest things I have ever had to face because you just had to have that pass. In a fucking training class.
Pretty sure he'll never read this, as his life has moved on and I'm guessing at best "our" crash is nothing but a hazy memory for him - if it even holds that status. So this "open letter" is mostly to get some things off my chest that I've felt the need to say.
You, sir, are an ass.
And that's kind of the nicer of the terms I sometimes use.
Trust me, I get that with riding (and especially racing) motorcycles, shit happens. Happens to all of us, we make a bad judgement call, and if we're unlucky, we may drag someone else into our stupidity. It's one of the unfortunate aspects of the sport. Good sportsman, however, take responsibility for their actions and will go out of their way to, at the very least, apologize and do their best to help the other person out (as much as you would in a "no-fault" environment).
I'm not sure if at some point you did or did not give a very fleeting apology, but if you did, it was disingenuous enough that I have zero recollection of it. You had another day and a half to make it clear that you felt bad about the fact that you made a mistake, and I paid a really fucking high price for your ego-driven need to not sit behind a girl for one corner in the middle of a training class. Therefore, my only conclusion is that you didn't give a shit. We also became FB friends that weekend, and I have NEVER gotten so much as a "hey, how's it going, sorry things are so fucked up" note.
While your life has moved on, Mr. Testosterone, mine is still a daily battle to try to keep my leg, function alone, and get through this alive. All because you just had to have that pass. And were too much of a spoiled brat to even think that maybe, just maybe, the person who's life you destroyed for the next year, the person who, for the rest of their given days will NEVER be allowed to forget this day since every-single-step they take will serve as a reminder of your stupidity, deserved a real apology.
Yes, I'm pissed. Pretty sure rightfully so. If I ever see you in person again, you had best be presenting yourself with the most humble, groveling apology known to man, or don't get anywhere near me. I am not sure I could contain myself or if this pent up rage over having my year, life, and foreseeable racing career destroyed, delayed, and who knows what other impacts, will surface and you will, at minimum, get an earful of exactly the kind of worm I believe you to be....and to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'd stop there.
All I needed was an apology, a sign that you felt bad that it happened, and that you had some iota of concern for the person who's life you have forever altered.
There are very, very, VERY few people on this planet who I have come to loathe. You, sir, at this point, are one of them. If by some unknown reason you get wind of this letter, the truth is that I'm a pretty forgiving person - a little humility and concern on your part would go a really, really long ways towards repairing my opinion of you. In the meantime, however, you have officially been placed on the extremely short list of people (um, I think there's only two of you on there) who I do not ever want to see in my entire life. Or maybe I do because then I could get some satisfaction from at least knowing you were aware of what a piece of shit you are in my mind.
Now I shall go return to the nightmare that my life has become. Thanks, asshole, for not even being apologetic that I now am facing the scariest things I have ever had to face because you just had to have that pass. In a fucking training class.
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