Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day the PICC BS gets started. I'm wavering between full on terrified-for-my-life fear and morbid resignation. Part of me, after talking with a couple friends who've had one, thinks maybe it won't be that horrible - a royal PITA, and a major complication to my life, but not horrible.

The other part of me is absolutely convinced that with the odds ever being against me, this is going to be another, very expensive, very problematic issue for me and is probably going to cause me more problems and complications than I can possibly imagine.

I'm doing my best to fight off depression that just wants to rule right now, and I'm not always being all that successful. I'm pretty grumpy. I'm finding I have little to no tolerance to listen to other people's problems (unless their situation is at bad or worse than mine, in which case, I seem to have developed more sympathy than I've ever possessed). Friends talking about how "messed up" they are over an online friendship gone wrong - even though they've NEVER met that person in real life - just makes me want to scream! It's all I can do to not tell them to just STFU, you're upset over a virtual friendship, while I'm sitting here facing the scariest medical situation I have ever had to face, and to be honest, I don't give a flying rat's ass about your online friendship problems.

Thankfully the brain to keyboard filter is still somewhat in place and I avoid saying those things (which aren't very nice) by pretty much just not saying much at all.

This is causing me to withdraw even more. Probably a time when I need people more, but I withdraw because:
a) I know I'm cranky, grumpy, and I don't particularly want people trying to make me "feel better" by telling me how good things will be. Fuck off. Unless you have real advice - ie, you've lived through similar and have some REAL advice, STFU and quite telling me how I'll "get through this and life will be grand."
b) My emotions are drained. I'm not likely to be very compassionate right now, and I don't want to hear about your problems. I also admit that I don't want to be distracted from my problems unless it's something I'm choosing to do. Preferably alone.
c) I'm not in an entertaining mood. I may do okay around people when I have to be, but it's doubly-draining compared to normal. Small talk is beyond painful. Even not small talk that right now just seems - trivial - I have trouble being engaged in. So, easier to avoid than appear like a distracted arse.
d) I don't want to be disappointed again by offers of help that never pan out. Better to just believe I'm on my own and save the offers for help for the times I really, really, REALLY need it.

I'm scared of hoping for things to not be "too bad" right now. Nothing about this has shown me that being "hopeful" has helped in any way, shape, or form, and I'm shunning hope. I still want to hope, but also realize that ALL that does is set me up for more disappointment. Better to just accept it as it comes, and expect the worst case scenario. Right now, I've managed to convince myself that I'll be lucky to come out of this with my leg still attached and that that will be my best case scenario....and don't hope for that, pretty much start planning on losing the damn leg and figuring out how you're going to live your life once that happens.

I know it sounds doom and gloom to people, but let's face it, it's not an impossibility, and at this point with everything that's gone wrong so far, statistically speaking, it's still very much on the table....