On June 26th I had my first (hoping last, but that's yet to be determined) PICC line removed. That was a completely painless process, in fact (since I wasn't looking) I had no idea she had even removed it until she said she was done. No complications with the PICC this time around, so that was good.
I had my oral antibiotics in hand and was ready to head off to my Italy adventures, albeit a bit apprehensive about how well my leg would hold up.
Thankfully, the leg held up better than I expected. We did a LOT of walking around, a fair bit of hiking on uneven trails (which I discovered was GREAT for the leg) and overall it was a great trip. Towards the end of the week the leg was getting a little crankier, but by the time we got home after a couple easier days it was back to where it was most of the trip. Less pain and stiffness than I had been experiencing, with a significant increase in activity. Apparently my body was ready to be pushed a little harder, but until the trip, it's responses hadn't really supported that, so I hadn't done so.
Now that I'm back home, I've had to hit the ground running with a few crazy weeks following the trip. Fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of this is centered around riding and racing, which, right now, is a very mixed bag for me.
You see, I'm REALLY struggling with my riding and where I think I should be, where my sponsors think I should be, where my logic-brain says I should be, and where I actually am. The differences are pretty extreme, but it boils down to a simple fact of I'm bordering on being chronically cranky and downright depressed. Part of me knows I'll get to where I want to go, but most of me is struggling with the time involved.
First off, I'm mad about the set back in general. Even if I pull a miracle out of myself, there's been a big set back that I simply can't completely make up for no matter how hard I try. And I'm PISSED. Unspoken pressure from sponsors, friends, and competitors doesn't help me accept this. They've hung with me, but I can feel my status rapidly slipping into "red-headed stepchild" category, and too easily followed with a "buh-bye."
Add in my expectations for myself. Part of me is happy with the progress I've made, and my logic mind sits there and tells me I'm doing great. My racer-brain, however, simply cannot accept that I'm on a far superior machine and not even matching the times I was doing on my previous bike. My goals are not unreachable even now, but the delay in progress has me hating myself but refusing to quit all at the same time. I celebrate the small victories, while at the same time loathing what my leg has become. This dichotomy has my emotions on a roller coaster, and has me on the edge of tears day in and day out, usually never making it through without at least a moment of moist eyeballs.
The crazy busy schedule offers a mixed bag to the mix too - on the one hand, it keeps me busy and I don't get a ton of time to pout or bitch. On the other hand, I don't have time to just rest and relax and process things or gain perspective...just the opposite in fact, where it's constantly being thrown in my face what I cannot do instead of what I can.
Someone on one of my forums talked about comparing herself to the old self instead of comparing against who she is now. I realized that's a huge part of what I'm doing, but I find it nearly impossible NOT to do that, even though I know I shouldn't. It's really a struggle right now, especially when sponsors and such all compare you to where you were planning on going this year, not the present reality that is quite the diversion from the plan.
Then I have that nice little storm cloud that follows me around no matter how hard I shove it away - and that's the little storm cloud that says there's still a good chance I may not get through my life with my leg attached. That is a pill I do NOT want to swallow, but realized I must, and while I try to choke it down, trying to get other people to understand that no, things might NOT be okay, is really hard to do. I'm certainly going to do all I can to keep that from happening, but the reality is that it can happen, and too many people just have no clue what it's like to be in that position. Hell, I never would have, either. So, in the meantime, I just make sure I take my pills every single time and never miss a dose, and do everything I can to keep the leg active and blood flowing there, and pray to the universe that I have a better case scenario than a worst case scenario.
And through all of this trying to learn to accept the reality of the new me. Working on releasing some anger, but struggling with that, too.
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