I don't know if this is normal or if it's something that is more unique to people who are athletic, fit, participate in intense activities, etc. Either way, I'm feeling like my body has failed me.
While the injury makes logical sense, it doesn't make emotional sense. Legs are supposed to be strong. They should be able to hold up a lot. They shouldn't fail us in uneventful situations and they sure as shit shouldn't fail us that badly. And they really, really shouldn't be slow healing and drag on.
Yet, I hear the same story I'm now telling over and over again. How something that seemed relatively minor at the time, or at the very least didn't warrant the outcome you had, has sidelined someone who right up until that moment was kicking ass and taking names.
Yesterday I went and audited a track school since I wasn't in a position to ride. I got some information, but it wasn't as valuable as it could have been. Not being able to ride meant no physical training, and all I could do was think about what I might do, but no opportunities to practice it or actually train my actual responses.
At the end of the day i worked with one of the trainers I know to go over some body positioning that I could use to help get me through when I start riding and when I actually get leg strength back. I was sitting on the bike, trying to get into position as best I could and that leg just wasn't there. It wasn't painful (we were working on ways to ride around it), but it was utterly failing me. I distinctly recall looking at that leg and just glaring at it. Not on purpose, but that was my response.
I've started using the leg a little bit despite my doctors instructions. Historically, I've been a fast healer who recovers quickly and shocks the doctors with how well things heal. I've never listened to my doctors advice, instead going with what my body was telling me.
This leg was the first time I've listened to my doctor 100%, and it's healing slow. Sure, maybe that's my doctor's way of avoiding a lawsuit or something, but obviously things aren't moving along. My leg and my body tell me they're ready for more, so screw it, I'm going to listen, to hell with the doctors advice.
Yes, I'll still be careful, no, I'm not trying to put full weight or anything like that, but I am putting some weight and "walking" with my crutches. And guess what? My leg seems happier. Pain and swelling are generally decreasing. It's bouncing back quicker and quicker. And my mood is ever so slightly improving. I have no idea if the x-rays will agree that this has been a good idea, but right now, my body is telling me it is.
I still feel like my body has failed me though. That leg shouldn't have broken is what my heart tells me. My head says there was a reason, my heart does not. I feel like I can't trust my body anymore. Not just that leg, but my body in general. Like it's just going to blow apart for no reason. It served me well for many years, but some stupid little thing and it shatters. I'm trying to avoid the negative energy, but man, I see and feel that leg and I just want to yell at it, chew it out, and tell it how worthless it is. I know that won't help, but that's what my heart wants to do right now.
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