So, today is New Year's, January 1, 2017. Before breaking my leg nearly a month ago, I had been planning on a weekend long trip with a bunch of my racing friends for this New Year's celebration. I thought, maybe depending on my situation, even with a broken leg I could still go. Having to go through two surgeries, one of them being on the 30th, I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere - the leg would need to stay elevated and that means I'm basically stuck on my back.
The holidays sucked. Not only was I alone, I couldn't even get out and do anything. Christmas I was still sporting the x-brace which had me so scared of potential falls I was doing as little outside the house as I could, and New Year's was the day after my second surgery. I made the mistake of looking at Facebook - and got "assaulted" with photos of most of my friends out having fun, going to parties (including the one I had been planning to go to), hanging out, and ringing in the New Year.
The self-pity/frustration/depression set in. Hard.
It's really the first time since this happened that I really got down about it, but it definitely hit me today. My holiday sucked. I'm barely able to start recovery, and who knows how long before I'm even able to think about walking, none the less doing anything else. There's a good chance it will be MONTHS before I'm even remotely normal, and that may be on a best case scenario. No, it's not life or death, and yes, I'll get better - eventually. Yes, there's someone out there worse off.
That doesn't change my situation.
I made another mistake - rather than my to-date posts of "I've got this, keeping positive, toughing it out, keeping going, etc," I vented. I vented my frustrations at how us "normal" people don't even have access to the same things that professional athletes do. How their recoveries are 4X as fast as ours. How, no matter how good our doctors or PT centers, they don't even have the same equipment, none the less the level of training that pros have access to.
Apparently, I was raining on everyone else's happy day. I got a slew of responses from friends about how I should just be happy, how other people in 3rd world countries are worse off, how people with worse injuries are worse off, etc. WTF. Being told that I should be going through this with a smile on my face.
I'm sorry, No. I don't need to have a fucking smile on my face every day about this situation. I got a bad leg break in a boring, shitty crash that was stupid. Ya, it was just bad luck. But I'm sorry, I don't need to have a smile on just because "it could be worse." Of course it could be worse! That doesn't make my situation better!
One friend messaged me with a little more understanding. Part of what he talked about included a quote: "I was feeling sorry for my self because I had no shoes when I saw a man with no feet. I realized then that I still didn't have any fucking shoes."
Exactly. Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean that my situation is suddenly sunshine and roses. I'm going through this alone. Yes, friends have stepped up here and there to help out, and I can't thank them enough for that. That doesn't mean I'm not mostly going through it alone. And you know what, that sucks. I should be able to vent about it, I don't need to be happy about having my entire winter, which should have been spent preparing for next year, instead being ruined with a "do my best not to lose all the progress I've made thus far."
While my friends have been awesome, they're not obligated to help me. I could really benefit from a reclining couch. I found one on LetGo that is perfect, but no one is exactly stepping up to help. I'm asking - people always say to just ask for help. Problem is, it's really "ask for help when it's convenient for me."
So yes, today I'm frustrated. I'm sick of being stuck in the damn house. I'm tired of everything taking 3x longer. I'm sick of not being able to go two feet from anywhere without it being a process. I'm tired of doing it alone. I'm frustrated by the timeframes involved.
No, none of my frustration is going to stop me from doing my best to set myself up for the best outcome I can, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating! And apparently, according to social media, I'm not allowed to be frustrated. While that normally wouldn't bother me too much, since I'm home bound for the most part, that's my only way to talk to other people right now - and it hurt that I couldn't be frustrated even once. Once in a month of this, looking at many more months, and people jump down my throat for not being "happy" about it.
Fuck you, too.
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