Tomorrow is the day the PICC BS gets started. I'm wavering between full on terrified-for-my-life fear and morbid resignation. Part of me, after talking with a couple friends who've had one, thinks maybe it won't be that horrible - a royal PITA, and a major complication to my life, but not horrible.
The other part of me is absolutely convinced that with the odds ever being against me, this is going to be another, very expensive, very problematic issue for me and is probably going to cause me more problems and complications than I can possibly imagine.
I'm doing my best to fight off depression that just wants to rule right now, and I'm not always being all that successful. I'm pretty grumpy. I'm finding I have little to no tolerance to listen to other people's problems (unless their situation is at bad or worse than mine, in which case, I seem to have developed more sympathy than I've ever possessed). Friends talking about how "messed up" they are over an online friendship gone wrong - even though they've NEVER met that person in real life - just makes me want to scream! It's all I can do to not tell them to just STFU, you're upset over a virtual friendship, while I'm sitting here facing the scariest medical situation I have ever had to face, and to be honest, I don't give a flying rat's ass about your online friendship problems.
Thankfully the brain to keyboard filter is still somewhat in place and I avoid saying those things (which aren't very nice) by pretty much just not saying much at all.
This is causing me to withdraw even more. Probably a time when I need people more, but I withdraw because:
a) I know I'm cranky, grumpy, and I don't particularly want people trying to make me "feel better" by telling me how good things will be. Fuck off. Unless you have real advice - ie, you've lived through similar and have some REAL advice, STFU and quite telling me how I'll "get through this and life will be grand."
b) My emotions are drained. I'm not likely to be very compassionate right now, and I don't want to hear about your problems. I also admit that I don't want to be distracted from my problems unless it's something I'm choosing to do. Preferably alone.
c) I'm not in an entertaining mood. I may do okay around people when I have to be, but it's doubly-draining compared to normal. Small talk is beyond painful. Even not small talk that right now just seems - trivial - I have trouble being engaged in. So, easier to avoid than appear like a distracted arse.
d) I don't want to be disappointed again by offers of help that never pan out. Better to just believe I'm on my own and save the offers for help for the times I really, really, REALLY need it.
I'm scared of hoping for things to not be "too bad" right now. Nothing about this has shown me that being "hopeful" has helped in any way, shape, or form, and I'm shunning hope. I still want to hope, but also realize that ALL that does is set me up for more disappointment. Better to just accept it as it comes, and expect the worst case scenario. Right now, I've managed to convince myself that I'll be lucky to come out of this with my leg still attached and that that will be my best case scenario....and don't hope for that, pretty much start planning on losing the damn leg and figuring out how you're going to live your life once that happens.
I know it sounds doom and gloom to people, but let's face it, it's not an impossibility, and at this point with everything that's gone wrong so far, statistically speaking, it's still very much on the table....
Monday, May 15, 2017
Friday, May 12, 2017
Open Letter to the Dude That Hit Me
Warning - NSFW language
Pretty sure he'll never read this, as his life has moved on and I'm guessing at best "our" crash is nothing but a hazy memory for him - if it even holds that status. So this "open letter" is mostly to get some things off my chest that I've felt the need to say.
You, sir, are an ass.
And that's kind of the nicer of the terms I sometimes use.
Trust me, I get that with riding (and especially racing) motorcycles, shit happens. Happens to all of us, we make a bad judgement call, and if we're unlucky, we may drag someone else into our stupidity. It's one of the unfortunate aspects of the sport. Good sportsman, however, take responsibility for their actions and will go out of their way to, at the very least, apologize and do their best to help the other person out (as much as you would in a "no-fault" environment).
I'm not sure if at some point you did or did not give a very fleeting apology, but if you did, it was disingenuous enough that I have zero recollection of it. You had another day and a half to make it clear that you felt bad about the fact that you made a mistake, and I paid a really fucking high price for your ego-driven need to not sit behind a girl for one corner in the middle of a training class. Therefore, my only conclusion is that you didn't give a shit. We also became FB friends that weekend, and I have NEVER gotten so much as a "hey, how's it going, sorry things are so fucked up" note.
While your life has moved on, Mr. Testosterone, mine is still a daily battle to try to keep my leg, function alone, and get through this alive. All because you just had to have that pass. And were too much of a spoiled brat to even think that maybe, just maybe, the person who's life you destroyed for the next year, the person who, for the rest of their given days will NEVER be allowed to forget this day since every-single-step they take will serve as a reminder of your stupidity, deserved a real apology.
Yes, I'm pissed. Pretty sure rightfully so. If I ever see you in person again, you had best be presenting yourself with the most humble, groveling apology known to man, or don't get anywhere near me. I am not sure I could contain myself or if this pent up rage over having my year, life, and foreseeable racing career destroyed, delayed, and who knows what other impacts, will surface and you will, at minimum, get an earful of exactly the kind of worm I believe you to be....and to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'd stop there.
All I needed was an apology, a sign that you felt bad that it happened, and that you had some iota of concern for the person who's life you have forever altered.
There are very, very, VERY few people on this planet who I have come to loathe. You, sir, at this point, are one of them. If by some unknown reason you get wind of this letter, the truth is that I'm a pretty forgiving person - a little humility and concern on your part would go a really, really long ways towards repairing my opinion of you. In the meantime, however, you have officially been placed on the extremely short list of people (um, I think there's only two of you on there) who I do not ever want to see in my entire life. Or maybe I do because then I could get some satisfaction from at least knowing you were aware of what a piece of shit you are in my mind.
Now I shall go return to the nightmare that my life has become. Thanks, asshole, for not even being apologetic that I now am facing the scariest things I have ever had to face because you just had to have that pass. In a fucking training class.
Pretty sure he'll never read this, as his life has moved on and I'm guessing at best "our" crash is nothing but a hazy memory for him - if it even holds that status. So this "open letter" is mostly to get some things off my chest that I've felt the need to say.
You, sir, are an ass.
And that's kind of the nicer of the terms I sometimes use.
Trust me, I get that with riding (and especially racing) motorcycles, shit happens. Happens to all of us, we make a bad judgement call, and if we're unlucky, we may drag someone else into our stupidity. It's one of the unfortunate aspects of the sport. Good sportsman, however, take responsibility for their actions and will go out of their way to, at the very least, apologize and do their best to help the other person out (as much as you would in a "no-fault" environment).
I'm not sure if at some point you did or did not give a very fleeting apology, but if you did, it was disingenuous enough that I have zero recollection of it. You had another day and a half to make it clear that you felt bad about the fact that you made a mistake, and I paid a really fucking high price for your ego-driven need to not sit behind a girl for one corner in the middle of a training class. Therefore, my only conclusion is that you didn't give a shit. We also became FB friends that weekend, and I have NEVER gotten so much as a "hey, how's it going, sorry things are so fucked up" note.
While your life has moved on, Mr. Testosterone, mine is still a daily battle to try to keep my leg, function alone, and get through this alive. All because you just had to have that pass. And were too much of a spoiled brat to even think that maybe, just maybe, the person who's life you destroyed for the next year, the person who, for the rest of their given days will NEVER be allowed to forget this day since every-single-step they take will serve as a reminder of your stupidity, deserved a real apology.
Yes, I'm pissed. Pretty sure rightfully so. If I ever see you in person again, you had best be presenting yourself with the most humble, groveling apology known to man, or don't get anywhere near me. I am not sure I could contain myself or if this pent up rage over having my year, life, and foreseeable racing career destroyed, delayed, and who knows what other impacts, will surface and you will, at minimum, get an earful of exactly the kind of worm I believe you to be....and to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'd stop there.
All I needed was an apology, a sign that you felt bad that it happened, and that you had some iota of concern for the person who's life you have forever altered.
There are very, very, VERY few people on this planet who I have come to loathe. You, sir, at this point, are one of them. If by some unknown reason you get wind of this letter, the truth is that I'm a pretty forgiving person - a little humility and concern on your part would go a really, really long ways towards repairing my opinion of you. In the meantime, however, you have officially been placed on the extremely short list of people (um, I think there's only two of you on there) who I do not ever want to see in my entire life. Or maybe I do because then I could get some satisfaction from at least knowing you were aware of what a piece of shit you are in my mind.
Now I shall go return to the nightmare that my life has become. Thanks, asshole, for not even being apologetic that I now am facing the scariest things I have ever had to face because you just had to have that pass. In a fucking training class.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Decision Made, PICC It Is
Welp, at my ortho appointment yesterday, while I was there, he called the ID doc and they talked over the phone right then and there. Due to the location, with it being skin right over the plate, hardware is definitely involved, so they decided on the 6 week antibiotic routine.
I must admit, I am beyond terrified. The idea of something sitting in my chest, that close to my heart, capable of killing me if things go wrong I find more than a little disturbing. This is probably the most scared I've ever been about anything medically related in my entire life. Part of it is that I'm not "sick" in the sense of being laid up and off work and having nothing better to do than take care of this thing - no, I still have to show up to work, I still have to deal with my daily routines, and how the fuck am I supposed to do things like infusions in the middle of the day?!? Go sit on a toilet for an hour?!? THAT sounds nice and sanitary! [I really hope you read the dripping sarcasm going on here].
I'm terrified of needles to begin with, but after being in the military I learned to cope and get through it. I still cannot watch, and having someone poke and prod around I've literally been gripping my sheets not to punch them....while I'm guessing this will be better than dealing with that every day, I'm not seeing any other positives in this.
The plan is this for 6 weeks (god o god please don't let this get infected - with a 1 in 4 chance of it getting infected, a 30% chance of complications, I don't see the odds being in my favor when the reason I'm on it to begin with is due to an infection!), then, once this is done, give things a couple weeks to see if the infection re-emerges. Assuming it does, then we'll schedule hardware removal. Right now, basically, the whole point of this is trying to buy a couple more months of bone healing so there's less risk of re-fracturing the leg once hardware is removed. I think we're pretty much assuming it's going to have to come out...
Only "good" things (if you can call anything good at this point) is that I will be done with the antibiotics before I'm supposed to leave for Italy (barely), AND, I'll still have my hardware in at that time so mobility won't be an issue. Who knows how I'll be feeling though :/
Secondly, IF we have the luxury of a little leeway on hardware removal timelines, there's a chance I could avoid missing any race rounds - if we pulled it right after round 4 in July, then there is a 6 week window until the next race round...which, hopefully, would be plenty of healing time. For people who don't have to have things removed early recovery is usually 2-3 weeks, so 6 weeks would be pretty generous...
Lastly, according to the ID doc, there are no "limitations" from them on what I can or cannot do. Not what I hear from other people or read online, but it does seem to vary a little bit. Guess I'll find out more on the dreaded day.
Mostly though I'm very, very scared of complications with this picc line - because the complications can be very, very serious (like deadly) and can often require ER visits and the like even if you catch it quickly. Living alone, with no BF, family, or anyone else nearby who can help is another level of complications. Traveling to and from work, dealing with this while at work - all of it. That, and let's not forget that you have something sitting, literally, millimeters off your otherwise healthy heart....
Yes, I'm terrified. Like, panic attack terrified.
I do have a friend who's had one for a similar situation (otherwise healthy person who wasn't sick and laid up) and she reached out to me and is patiently providing some info and answering my questions as I come up with them.Most of the online stuff I find is for people on chemo or with advanced Lyme's disease, or elderly people - very, very little out there for otherwise healthy, active, adults which isn't helping the situation since I fall into the last category!
Most reports say it's not as scary as it seems - for the love of god I hope they're at least a little right.
I must admit, I am beyond terrified. The idea of something sitting in my chest, that close to my heart, capable of killing me if things go wrong I find more than a little disturbing. This is probably the most scared I've ever been about anything medically related in my entire life. Part of it is that I'm not "sick" in the sense of being laid up and off work and having nothing better to do than take care of this thing - no, I still have to show up to work, I still have to deal with my daily routines, and how the fuck am I supposed to do things like infusions in the middle of the day?!? Go sit on a toilet for an hour?!? THAT sounds nice and sanitary! [I really hope you read the dripping sarcasm going on here].
I'm terrified of needles to begin with, but after being in the military I learned to cope and get through it. I still cannot watch, and having someone poke and prod around I've literally been gripping my sheets not to punch them....while I'm guessing this will be better than dealing with that every day, I'm not seeing any other positives in this.
The plan is this for 6 weeks (god o god please don't let this get infected - with a 1 in 4 chance of it getting infected, a 30% chance of complications, I don't see the odds being in my favor when the reason I'm on it to begin with is due to an infection!), then, once this is done, give things a couple weeks to see if the infection re-emerges. Assuming it does, then we'll schedule hardware removal. Right now, basically, the whole point of this is trying to buy a couple more months of bone healing so there's less risk of re-fracturing the leg once hardware is removed. I think we're pretty much assuming it's going to have to come out...
Only "good" things (if you can call anything good at this point) is that I will be done with the antibiotics before I'm supposed to leave for Italy (barely), AND, I'll still have my hardware in at that time so mobility won't be an issue. Who knows how I'll be feeling though :/
Secondly, IF we have the luxury of a little leeway on hardware removal timelines, there's a chance I could avoid missing any race rounds - if we pulled it right after round 4 in July, then there is a 6 week window until the next race round...which, hopefully, would be plenty of healing time. For people who don't have to have things removed early recovery is usually 2-3 weeks, so 6 weeks would be pretty generous...
Lastly, according to the ID doc, there are no "limitations" from them on what I can or cannot do. Not what I hear from other people or read online, but it does seem to vary a little bit. Guess I'll find out more on the dreaded day.
Mostly though I'm very, very scared of complications with this picc line - because the complications can be very, very serious (like deadly) and can often require ER visits and the like even if you catch it quickly. Living alone, with no BF, family, or anyone else nearby who can help is another level of complications. Traveling to and from work, dealing with this while at work - all of it. That, and let's not forget that you have something sitting, literally, millimeters off your otherwise healthy heart....
Yes, I'm terrified. Like, panic attack terrified.
I do have a friend who's had one for a similar situation (otherwise healthy person who wasn't sick and laid up) and she reached out to me and is patiently providing some info and answering my questions as I come up with them.Most of the online stuff I find is for people on chemo or with advanced Lyme's disease, or elderly people - very, very little out there for otherwise healthy, active, adults which isn't helping the situation since I fall into the last category!
Most reports say it's not as scary as it seems - for the love of god I hope they're at least a little right.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
No End in Sight
So, I had the dreaded appointment with Infectious Diseases yesterday. Unfortunately, it was basically inconclusive since he was missing the findings from my clean/debribe surgery AND my last lab test results. So, mostly, he checked it out, we discussed the history of things thus far, and then discussed possible scenarios.
Basically, this can go one of three ways from best to worst case scenarios.
Best case: It's just a sub-cutaneous infection, and hasn't actually involved the hardware or bone, in which case we will continue with oral antibiotics and monitor things.
Mid-case: The hardware is involved and there is biofilm over it. This can go a few ways depending on the orthopedic standpoint and outlook. If the hardware needs to stay in, then it's 6 weeks of IV antibiotics followed by another 6 weeks of oral antibiotics. If the hardware can be removed, that removes the danger (and the inaccessible by your body bacteria) and treatment would be easier.
Worst case scenario: The bone has become infected. If that is the case, we are in dangerous territory. Removing hardware ASAP is important, but no matter what it will be intensive IV followed by oral antibiotics. This is where people lose legs, and things get really scary.
Since my ortho left the hardware in, AND I haven't gotten a call to schedule another surgery, I'm HOPING the last case is definitely not the case - but I can't confirm that yet. There are a few (small) things in my favor - one, this hasn't been festering in there for long. Some people go years without a conclusive diagnosis, and by then the infection has so well embedded itself that eradication is often only attainable by amputation or invasive and continual surgeries and treatments. At least this manifested early and my body reacted, and we knew what we were dealing with....even if it's been latent in there since my last ORIF, it's still 'only' been a matter of 4 months instead of years.
Secondly, it's not MRSA. While the bacteria in there is NOT a good one to be fighting due to it's ability to quickly mutate (enterobacter cloacae), making it harder to treat, it seems like it's at least a better situation than dealing with a MRSA infection. Not much better, but slightly as there are a number of treatment options that seem to be successful depending on the strain.
Third, my doctors are on this like flies on shit. They aren't wasting time, they aren't being lax, and they are treating it quickly and decisively rather than dragging their feet or being unconcerned like a lot of people online seem to report.
Of course, for me, my mental state is getting a bit - edgy. I'm holding it together (most of the time) but I feel myself on that edge. Thankfully I can still ride, which is keeping me sane (literally). I asked the ID doc about riding with a PICC, and as far as he's concerned, if I'm cleared by the orthopedist to ride, there are no restrictions or limitations with the PICC line. That makes the process more bear-able for me. It will still be a nightmare, and the "inconvenience" is going to be horrible, but maybe I can at least retain my sanity...
Part of me, however, is of the opinion to just pull the hardware at the end of the month and be done with, and quite playing games with infections. I realize I'd be laid up again, but that would be 5 full months of healing behind me, and I would think that it shouldn't be more than a few weeks of being laid up...granted, I'm no doctor, but that's my gut feeling on it.
So, things are still very much up in the air and I'm still in no-man's land of what is going on. I meet with my ortho tomorrow, so I plan to discuss options on that end of things so I can start putting things together in my own mind. I don't want to play games with this, racing, my trip to Italy, NONE of that is worth potentially losing a leg over, but that being said, on the flip side, if there's not a lot of danger, then it's nice to have some semblance of a life, too. Guess I'll find out more next week when I meet with the ID doc again.
Basically, this can go one of three ways from best to worst case scenarios.
Best case: It's just a sub-cutaneous infection, and hasn't actually involved the hardware or bone, in which case we will continue with oral antibiotics and monitor things.
Mid-case: The hardware is involved and there is biofilm over it. This can go a few ways depending on the orthopedic standpoint and outlook. If the hardware needs to stay in, then it's 6 weeks of IV antibiotics followed by another 6 weeks of oral antibiotics. If the hardware can be removed, that removes the danger (and the inaccessible by your body bacteria) and treatment would be easier.
Worst case scenario: The bone has become infected. If that is the case, we are in dangerous territory. Removing hardware ASAP is important, but no matter what it will be intensive IV followed by oral antibiotics. This is where people lose legs, and things get really scary.
Since my ortho left the hardware in, AND I haven't gotten a call to schedule another surgery, I'm HOPING the last case is definitely not the case - but I can't confirm that yet. There are a few (small) things in my favor - one, this hasn't been festering in there for long. Some people go years without a conclusive diagnosis, and by then the infection has so well embedded itself that eradication is often only attainable by amputation or invasive and continual surgeries and treatments. At least this manifested early and my body reacted, and we knew what we were dealing with....even if it's been latent in there since my last ORIF, it's still 'only' been a matter of 4 months instead of years.
Secondly, it's not MRSA. While the bacteria in there is NOT a good one to be fighting due to it's ability to quickly mutate (enterobacter cloacae), making it harder to treat, it seems like it's at least a better situation than dealing with a MRSA infection. Not much better, but slightly as there are a number of treatment options that seem to be successful depending on the strain.
Third, my doctors are on this like flies on shit. They aren't wasting time, they aren't being lax, and they are treating it quickly and decisively rather than dragging their feet or being unconcerned like a lot of people online seem to report.
Of course, for me, my mental state is getting a bit - edgy. I'm holding it together (most of the time) but I feel myself on that edge. Thankfully I can still ride, which is keeping me sane (literally). I asked the ID doc about riding with a PICC, and as far as he's concerned, if I'm cleared by the orthopedist to ride, there are no restrictions or limitations with the PICC line. That makes the process more bear-able for me. It will still be a nightmare, and the "inconvenience" is going to be horrible, but maybe I can at least retain my sanity...
Part of me, however, is of the opinion to just pull the hardware at the end of the month and be done with, and quite playing games with infections. I realize I'd be laid up again, but that would be 5 full months of healing behind me, and I would think that it shouldn't be more than a few weeks of being laid up...granted, I'm no doctor, but that's my gut feeling on it.
So, things are still very much up in the air and I'm still in no-man's land of what is going on. I meet with my ortho tomorrow, so I plan to discuss options on that end of things so I can start putting things together in my own mind. I don't want to play games with this, racing, my trip to Italy, NONE of that is worth potentially losing a leg over, but that being said, on the flip side, if there's not a lot of danger, then it's nice to have some semblance of a life, too. Guess I'll find out more next week when I meet with the ID doc again.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Saga Continues
UGH. That is all I've got to say about this. This week marked 5 months since I broke this leg....and there's still no end in sight for dealing with the drama. The only saving grace at this point is that I've been able to get back on the bikes, which is, literally, keeping me sane right now. Anytime I spend too much time thinking about or researching my condition and I just want to put my head between my legs and scream, cry, and I can feel the depression that is just waiting for an opportunity to rise up.
As for where I'm at right now - if you were to ask me how I feel, not considering any research or anything else I've done, and I'd tell you that I'm feeling pretty damn good. I've felt pretty good energy-wise, my leg pain is getting pretty minimal, and walking is getting pretty decent again the past couple days.
Ask me how I feel overall, and it's a far more dismal outlook. Research and studies on treating these infections has me absolutely terrified of my appointment with infectious diseases that is scheduled for Monday. I mean, flat out terrified. As in, if I wasn't worried about the possibility of losing the leg if things got crazy, I wouldn't be going. If they decide to treat with IV antibiotics, there are these things called a PICC line they put in - god damn, I thought I was scared of doctors and needles before...reading up on these has me in near panic mode. I have no idea how on god's green earth I'd live with one - I live alone, I have no one that close, and I live with cats. Trying to keep THAT from getting infected, in addition to my leg - FML upside down.
I hear almost no good stories about these things - some that are "okay, I survived it" but no good stories. Seems studies with kids are showing little to no difference between IV and oral antibiotics, but I can't seem to find much on adults. It's going to be 2 1/2 weeks post-op already, so seems like we've already passed the usual "IV" window, at least the common one anyways.
Finding out the particular bacteria involved isn't helping either - it's an unusual (not unheard of, but not common) one more commonly seen in UTI. Apparently an "opportunistic" bug that is gram-negative and can be tough to treat. It is one that naturally lives in our GI tract, which makes me wonder if I got it from my elderly cat before I had to have him put down - while I tried to keep everything clean, if he was getting sick before the very end, who knows, it's a pretty easy bug to get.
Right now I'm feeling a bit bi-polar. When I'm not thinking too much about it, I feel pretty good. My pain levels are low enough (or non-existent), and I feel pretty good. As soon as I spend much time thinking about what all of this may entail - well, life starts looking really bleak. Part of me is of the feeling to just yank the hardware now and I'll go back to being on crutches for a month and be done with it. But I don't know if it would only be a month - or if we'd be looking at months. I'm literally sick to my stomach sitting here writing this. I just spent the past hour or so reading up on some of this stuff (again) and I don't see much positive out there.
So much for being healthy and taking care of yourself making a hill of beans difference....
As for where I'm at right now - if you were to ask me how I feel, not considering any research or anything else I've done, and I'd tell you that I'm feeling pretty damn good. I've felt pretty good energy-wise, my leg pain is getting pretty minimal, and walking is getting pretty decent again the past couple days.
Ask me how I feel overall, and it's a far more dismal outlook. Research and studies on treating these infections has me absolutely terrified of my appointment with infectious diseases that is scheduled for Monday. I mean, flat out terrified. As in, if I wasn't worried about the possibility of losing the leg if things got crazy, I wouldn't be going. If they decide to treat with IV antibiotics, there are these things called a PICC line they put in - god damn, I thought I was scared of doctors and needles before...reading up on these has me in near panic mode. I have no idea how on god's green earth I'd live with one - I live alone, I have no one that close, and I live with cats. Trying to keep THAT from getting infected, in addition to my leg - FML upside down.
I hear almost no good stories about these things - some that are "okay, I survived it" but no good stories. Seems studies with kids are showing little to no difference between IV and oral antibiotics, but I can't seem to find much on adults. It's going to be 2 1/2 weeks post-op already, so seems like we've already passed the usual "IV" window, at least the common one anyways.
Finding out the particular bacteria involved isn't helping either - it's an unusual (not unheard of, but not common) one more commonly seen in UTI. Apparently an "opportunistic" bug that is gram-negative and can be tough to treat. It is one that naturally lives in our GI tract, which makes me wonder if I got it from my elderly cat before I had to have him put down - while I tried to keep everything clean, if he was getting sick before the very end, who knows, it's a pretty easy bug to get.
Right now I'm feeling a bit bi-polar. When I'm not thinking too much about it, I feel pretty good. My pain levels are low enough (or non-existent), and I feel pretty good. As soon as I spend much time thinking about what all of this may entail - well, life starts looking really bleak. Part of me is of the feeling to just yank the hardware now and I'll go back to being on crutches for a month and be done with it. But I don't know if it would only be a month - or if we'd be looking at months. I'm literally sick to my stomach sitting here writing this. I just spent the past hour or so reading up on some of this stuff (again) and I don't see much positive out there.
So much for being healthy and taking care of yourself making a hill of beans difference....
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Does It Ever End?
Just when it seemed like things had finally settled down and life was almost beginning to return to some semblance of "normal," curve balls must be thrown. This one started out seeming like a non-issue. A suit/boot combo I had worn seemed to have irritated the skin over my tibia plate, but hadn't rubbed it raw or anything along that line, so it seemed pretty benign. Irritation and inflammation occurred, but didn't seem to worrisome.
At my PT appointment that week, she commented on the inflammation and tenderness - it seemed a bit unusual. This raised a little red flag for me. By that Friday afternoon, the area where the fracture blister had been was getting "stretched" with a very fluidy feel underneath the thin layer of skin over it. I placed a moist bandaid over it to see what would happen. Saturday afternoon it came through, and began draining quite a bit of fluid, some of it milky. This concerned me for fears of an infection taking place or getting started, so first thing Monday morning I made an appointment with my ortho for the first available appointment which was Wednesday. In the meantime, I began treating the wound fairly aggressively using the calcium alginate dressing to help draw out the inflammation.
Doc wasn't any more thrilled than I was - while he had expected this, since it had seemed to heal over he had hoped that we had dodged a bullet. Apparently not so much. He wanted to get in there and clean and flush it out, and see where it was getting infected - if it was getting under the plate at all, then he would have to pull the hardware out. This wouldn't be ideal as it is a little too early in the healing to normally pull hardware, but the bones are set, it would just delay my weight bearing status yet again - but still better than losing a leg!
He scheduled the surgery for first thing the next morning - I had to be in the surgery center at 5:15 a.m. for a 6 a.m. procedure. I was unsure what I'd wake to, but I was just resigned to what we had to do - I didn't want to muck around with infections. As it turns out, whether it was pure luck or a combination of an early catch and treatment, either way, he was able to leave the hardware in. I woke to a big old bandage on my leg, but was left with weight bearing status and direction to leave the dressing in place until my follow-up the following Wednesday.
The first couple days I was pretty miserable, currently sitting here on the second full day post op. At this point I'm feeling better than I did yesterday, and hoping that overall this will be a quick-ish recovery since it was mostly just a fluid flush and clean with some incisions related to that. I have no idea the damage on the skin, but at least I can weight bear. At this point,still hoping/planning on making the races next weekend since the skin will have had over a week to heal by that point and should hopefully be past the worst of anything. Cancelling the races is still a possibility, but I'm hoping not to since he was able to leave the hardware in place.
At my PT appointment that week, she commented on the inflammation and tenderness - it seemed a bit unusual. This raised a little red flag for me. By that Friday afternoon, the area where the fracture blister had been was getting "stretched" with a very fluidy feel underneath the thin layer of skin over it. I placed a moist bandaid over it to see what would happen. Saturday afternoon it came through, and began draining quite a bit of fluid, some of it milky. This concerned me for fears of an infection taking place or getting started, so first thing Monday morning I made an appointment with my ortho for the first available appointment which was Wednesday. In the meantime, I began treating the wound fairly aggressively using the calcium alginate dressing to help draw out the inflammation.
Doc wasn't any more thrilled than I was - while he had expected this, since it had seemed to heal over he had hoped that we had dodged a bullet. Apparently not so much. He wanted to get in there and clean and flush it out, and see where it was getting infected - if it was getting under the plate at all, then he would have to pull the hardware out. This wouldn't be ideal as it is a little too early in the healing to normally pull hardware, but the bones are set, it would just delay my weight bearing status yet again - but still better than losing a leg!
He scheduled the surgery for first thing the next morning - I had to be in the surgery center at 5:15 a.m. for a 6 a.m. procedure. I was unsure what I'd wake to, but I was just resigned to what we had to do - I didn't want to muck around with infections. As it turns out, whether it was pure luck or a combination of an early catch and treatment, either way, he was able to leave the hardware in. I woke to a big old bandage on my leg, but was left with weight bearing status and direction to leave the dressing in place until my follow-up the following Wednesday.
The first couple days I was pretty miserable, currently sitting here on the second full day post op. At this point I'm feeling better than I did yesterday, and hoping that overall this will be a quick-ish recovery since it was mostly just a fluid flush and clean with some incisions related to that. I have no idea the damage on the skin, but at least I can weight bear. At this point,still hoping/planning on making the races next weekend since the skin will have had over a week to heal by that point and should hopefully be past the worst of anything. Cancelling the races is still a possibility, but I'm hoping not to since he was able to leave the hardware in place.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Rehab Begins
I knew atrophy would be a bitch. It really is. A few weeks or
something would be one thing; even a couple months. Coming back from nearly
four months of non-use and everything is complaining. Sometimes the simple act
of walking just HURTS. I’m back on regular use of ibuprofen to help with both
the pain and the inflammation. Things swell – a lot. From puffy ankle, to spots
that get a big edema, to my knee swelling up, life is just plain old uncomfortable.
Tendons and ligaments are TIGHT, and they are NOT happy about having to work.
Life hurts. Even when I’m resting, it
usually hurts on some level, or I’m stretching it, moving it, something or it’s just had a long day
and is mad. But, that’s part of rehab, and so be it.
Things are still moving along, don’t get me wrong. I’m a
couple weeks into PT, and if anything, there’s probably more I should be doing,
but I’m also still working, taking care of the house, and back to my “regular”
work schedule, so time is an issue. While I’m WAY more mobile, I’m still slow.
I get around without the cane as needed, but it’s nice to have that when I’m
trying to cover more ground, plus my gait is a little better with it than
without most of the time.
Being tired and weird sleep patterns is rather frustrating.
I get way more tired just doing “normal” things which makes getting up early
enough for the gym an easy thing to skip. Let’s just say I haven’t been to the
gym since my work schedules went back to normal. It’s an excuse, really, but
only sort of – I haven’t been sitting in front of the TV that much, either,
other than for an hour or so when I eat my dinner, so it’s not like I’m
watching TV for hours on end and skipping the gym…
At this point, while I wouldn’t call any of this fun, for
the most part it’s not “surprising” either. I knew it would hurt. I knew it
would take time. I knew it would suck. Honestly, other than the “tiredness”
factor, things are kind of what I would have expected.
At least I can ride, which has done wonders for me mentally
even if it’s not as “fun” as it was (mostly because, well, it hurts!!). But, it still serves the purpose of getting
me out of my head, and even if for only very brief moments, there are moments
of pure freedom as the bike accelerates and carries me on its wings, in that
moment I don’t think about having a bum leg. It may only last until I need to
shift, but even that second of freedom is worth more than I can express.
I have my first trackdays coming up this weekend – I know my
leg is going to give me problems, but I’m still excited to get out there. It’s
going to hurt, I’m sure I’ll be frustrated, but I’ll be on the new bike, and
hopefully there will be a lot of those “moments” that’ll have me smiling
through the gritted teeth.
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