We're now into April, exactly 16 months since my first surgery on my pilon, and just 15 1/2 months since my last ORIF, and ~6 1/2 months since my hardware was removed.
I've continued to workout regularly, and try to be careful of any "compensations" that I still catch on occasion. The improvements are much slower at this point, hardly noticeable, really, but they are still there. Just a little more flexion, a little less pain, a bit more weight - not dramatic changes, but coming along at a very slow snail's pace.
The mental side of this injury, even with my outcome, is still interesting to deal with. For the most part, I've accepted that I will have some limitations, but I can still do the things I want, albeit potentially a little modified. I'm actually rejoining my martial art, and while I can tell my ankle will make some things more difficult, I think with training I'll pretty much be able to do everything with some mods as needed.
Riding, my leg isn't much of an issue at all - the biggest problem is nerve damage that is feeling like it may be permanent. I can't feel the peg or the shifter, so I have been struggling with getting my foot into position or accidentally bumping the shift lever. This is something that some seat time and muscle memory will help resolve, just need to train my body to have very deliberate movements and to put my leg where it needs to be.
I'm realizing, however, just how much of an issue my leg was last year. I know why I was riding and racing (a combination of needing the release, my desire to not quite, feeling obligation from sponsors, etc), but I'm seeing just how much it was holding me back. Not only physically (which it definitely was) but also mentally. I didn't have much fun riding or racing last year. It was better than sitting at home depressed and alone (which was the alternative), but it did NOTHING for my riding.
Thank goodness for my coach this year who has the patience of a saint, but also very much recognizes the mental side of things. His focus on that has allowed me to overcome my self-depreciation and actually enjoy riding my bike again. Even with pathetic laptimes, I'm having fun. Because my focus isn't on laptimes, or finishes, but on technique, flow, and the process.
This was something that no one else really seemed to pick up on last year - or at the very least, not in the same way. My one teammate commented on how I needed to "cut myself some slack" so I think he saw it, but most other people were just about "letting it heal." Well, sure, but when you are single AF, don't have family nearby, and your friends all revolve around motorcycles, sitting at home and "letting things heal" for nearly an entire year becomes an entire year of pain, loneliness, and self isolation - which I'm pretty sure would have been way worse.
And therein lies the mental side of this injury. It's a lonely injury. Other than people who've had a pilon themselves, people just don't get it. Your life is altered, and not for a few months, but for a very, very long time, for many, permanently. You're not going to die from it, although you may lose a limb. You may have to consider losing a limb. You may have to find many modifications to keep doing what you enjoy. And for those who come out the other side, they will have dug into a deeper part of themselves that most humans never have to experience.
I think, ultimately, we come out of this better, stronger, and more empathetic people. The journey to becoming that person, however, is wrought with pain and suffering that others simply do not understand. Cancer? Everyone knows how scary and horrible that is, and family and friends rally around that person. "Just" a broken leg? Not so much.
Learning to understand and come to grips with that fact, plus everything else that comes along with the pilon fracture, can make or break people. Some choose to alter their lifestyle and just "accept" a new way of living. Some are determined to make things happen and fight through anyways, or even in spite of, their injury. We'll all have good and bad days, but in the end, which person are you? Who do you choose to be?
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
Pilons are a Looooong Term Deal
I've seen a few lucky souls who seem to have had a pilon fracture and recovered on a "normal" broken leg timeframe - but they are the very rare exceptions. VERY rare exceptions.
That being said, some of us are still better off than others. How intact the joint remains afterwards seems to be the determining factor of "will your life go on, albeit with some (minor) limitations," or "is your life going to be changed dramatically?"
Lucky me I believe I'm part of that middle group. I will never get to "forget" about this injury, but on the other hand, *most* of my life won't be too dramatically affected at least not in the next 20-ish years barring any other complications (such as osteomyelitis flaring up).
Even so, this injury takes a long time to heal, and I mean a LONG time. When you're someone who considers herself fairly fit, pretty darn tough, and have always been a pretty good "healer" things like this can hit a bit hard. I'm 13 months past my last ORIF, and I still, daily, have to think about my leg. First in the morning, it's getting through my workout and trying to regain everything I've lost, plus get what I can out of that leg. Then at the end, it's stretching that ankle out and trying to get the flexibility back that I can. This can leave me in tears on a nearly daily basis.
Then there are the days you just simply piss it off. I did that this weekend when I wore some heels all evening to my annual awards banquet this past Saturday. I'm STILL paying for it on Monday! I managed to still get my workout in, but it's definitely still a bit cranky. And swollen.
OMG the swelling. It's this thing that just never goes away. Most days now aren't too bad, but there's still some. Every day. 395 days of swelling with no end in sight. NOT something I even remotely would have expected when all of this started.
I've got another year - another full YEAR - until I will know what my "new normal" is going to be. So, there are two ways I try to view this: 1) That I have another 335 days to get as much ROM out of this ankle as I possibly can, and 2) that there is still another year of rehab left, and don't be discouraged because it's not *there* yet...you're only half way there, sister!
That's both frustrating and encouraging. Encouraging in that "this isn't the end" but also discouraging that it's been this long and I'm only halfway done LOL.
That being said, some of us are still better off than others. How intact the joint remains afterwards seems to be the determining factor of "will your life go on, albeit with some (minor) limitations," or "is your life going to be changed dramatically?"
Lucky me I believe I'm part of that middle group. I will never get to "forget" about this injury, but on the other hand, *most* of my life won't be too dramatically affected at least not in the next 20-ish years barring any other complications (such as osteomyelitis flaring up).
Even so, this injury takes a long time to heal, and I mean a LONG time. When you're someone who considers herself fairly fit, pretty darn tough, and have always been a pretty good "healer" things like this can hit a bit hard. I'm 13 months past my last ORIF, and I still, daily, have to think about my leg. First in the morning, it's getting through my workout and trying to regain everything I've lost, plus get what I can out of that leg. Then at the end, it's stretching that ankle out and trying to get the flexibility back that I can. This can leave me in tears on a nearly daily basis.
Then there are the days you just simply piss it off. I did that this weekend when I wore some heels all evening to my annual awards banquet this past Saturday. I'm STILL paying for it on Monday! I managed to still get my workout in, but it's definitely still a bit cranky. And swollen.
OMG the swelling. It's this thing that just never goes away. Most days now aren't too bad, but there's still some. Every day. 395 days of swelling with no end in sight. NOT something I even remotely would have expected when all of this started.
I've got another year - another full YEAR - until I will know what my "new normal" is going to be. So, there are two ways I try to view this: 1) That I have another 335 days to get as much ROM out of this ankle as I possibly can, and 2) that there is still another year of rehab left, and don't be discouraged because it's not *there* yet...you're only half way there, sister!
That's both frustrating and encouraging. Encouraging in that "this isn't the end" but also discouraging that it's been this long and I'm only halfway done LOL.
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
The Past Year
December 3, 2016. That is the day I broke my leg. At first (and for quite sometime, actually) I believed it was a "just" a broken leg and I'd be back to my plans for the summer with only a slight delay. Maybe it was a good thing I had no idea what I was in for.
As far as pilon fractures go, mine was far from the worst. Also not the best I've seen, but on the better end of them none the less. Sunday marked my one year anniversary since I broke my leg. At this point, other than a dissolvable stitch that's not quite dissolved yet, everything seems to be healing well now that the metal is out. I'm able to return to the gym (as long as I won't be on my feet all day - I found out the hard way that's still a limitation) and I'm able to start some serious rehabilitation. Things are progressing, and I'm hopeful that my recovery will be a good one, although I am doubtful that I will ever return to my previous normal - but as of right now, it seems the "new normal" will at least be one I can live with.
I'm just hoping I can wear those amazing heels I bought for last year's banquet and never got to wear. Not sure that will happen though :(
The break-versary was a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, I'm happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction, the infection doesn't seem to be remanifesting, and my ROM and strength are slowly but steadily improving. On the other hand, it's been a VERY long year, and there is at least another year of rehabilitation before I can safely assume that's all I can accomplish. Which means a lot of hard work, plenty of frustrations (I'm sure), and a willingness to keep going even when I just really don't want to.
Add in the stress over the past year. Sure, I'm coming out the other side, but to be honest, I don't think I've really come to terms with the amount of stress this ended up costing me. Some friendships were strengthened, some weakened. Some people I developed a greater respect for, some I lost respect for. Much of the year, I felt very, very alone. The struggle was mine, and mine alone, day in and day out. Add in the pressures, spoken and unspoken, self inflicted and not, in regards to my racing. It wasn't until the very end of the year that I finally cut myself some slack. There are some people who I don't think ever did cut me any slack. A few told me I was doing great just being out there. Many inferred that hopes were a lot higher than I was producing. And I was my own worst enemy in that regard.
I have gained a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations. Some of their situations are a million times worse than mine, but this experience opened that side of me in ways that I'm not sure anything else could have. I don't wish it on anyone, and I'd hope people can stay in their "it could be worse, we're praying for you" bubbles, but I have come to realize that those words are just that - empty words that sometimes actually cause a lot of pain. I may not be the biggest volunteer out there, I'll admit that I'm still too busy chasing my dreams, but if I ever tell anyone "it could be worse" again, someone please slap me. That is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who's in a difficult situation.
So a full year has past. This is far from "just a bad memory" and I'm reminded of it constantly, whether it's the nagging ache, a twitching muscle, the twinge while taking every single step....but, I'm walking, working out, and riding, and 2018 is looking like a much better year overall. I learned some very valuable life (and racing) lessons this year, and I am taking those and moving forward.
I think there are some things about myself, in terms of determination and passion, and a stubborness to keep going no matter what that I believe were character changing for me. It still feels like it's not a full fledged realization yet, but I can tell something related to that grew this past year, and I'm sure it will only help propel me forward.
As far as pilon fractures go, mine was far from the worst. Also not the best I've seen, but on the better end of them none the less. Sunday marked my one year anniversary since I broke my leg. At this point, other than a dissolvable stitch that's not quite dissolved yet, everything seems to be healing well now that the metal is out. I'm able to return to the gym (as long as I won't be on my feet all day - I found out the hard way that's still a limitation) and I'm able to start some serious rehabilitation. Things are progressing, and I'm hopeful that my recovery will be a good one, although I am doubtful that I will ever return to my previous normal - but as of right now, it seems the "new normal" will at least be one I can live with.
I'm just hoping I can wear those amazing heels I bought for last year's banquet and never got to wear. Not sure that will happen though :(
The break-versary was a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, I'm happy that things seem to be moving in a positive direction, the infection doesn't seem to be remanifesting, and my ROM and strength are slowly but steadily improving. On the other hand, it's been a VERY long year, and there is at least another year of rehabilitation before I can safely assume that's all I can accomplish. Which means a lot of hard work, plenty of frustrations (I'm sure), and a willingness to keep going even when I just really don't want to.
Add in the stress over the past year. Sure, I'm coming out the other side, but to be honest, I don't think I've really come to terms with the amount of stress this ended up costing me. Some friendships were strengthened, some weakened. Some people I developed a greater respect for, some I lost respect for. Much of the year, I felt very, very alone. The struggle was mine, and mine alone, day in and day out. Add in the pressures, spoken and unspoken, self inflicted and not, in regards to my racing. It wasn't until the very end of the year that I finally cut myself some slack. There are some people who I don't think ever did cut me any slack. A few told me I was doing great just being out there. Many inferred that hopes were a lot higher than I was producing. And I was my own worst enemy in that regard.
I have gained a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations. Some of their situations are a million times worse than mine, but this experience opened that side of me in ways that I'm not sure anything else could have. I don't wish it on anyone, and I'd hope people can stay in their "it could be worse, we're praying for you" bubbles, but I have come to realize that those words are just that - empty words that sometimes actually cause a lot of pain. I may not be the biggest volunteer out there, I'll admit that I'm still too busy chasing my dreams, but if I ever tell anyone "it could be worse" again, someone please slap me. That is the least helpful thing you can say to someone who's in a difficult situation.
So a full year has past. This is far from "just a bad memory" and I'm reminded of it constantly, whether it's the nagging ache, a twitching muscle, the twinge while taking every single step....but, I'm walking, working out, and riding, and 2018 is looking like a much better year overall. I learned some very valuable life (and racing) lessons this year, and I am taking those and moving forward.
I think there are some things about myself, in terms of determination and passion, and a stubborness to keep going no matter what that I believe were character changing for me. It still feels like it's not a full fledged realization yet, but I can tell something related to that grew this past year, and I'm sure it will only help propel me forward.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
"Final" Infectious Diseas Appointment
Yesterday I headed in to see my Infectious Diseases dr for what will (hopefully) be my final visit there.
I've been off the antibiotics for a month now (4 weeks), and nothing else was manifesting. The one small spot that was struggling to heal I believe was from a bit of dehiscement due to swelling and all the scar tissue in that area. I started supporting the skin there better, and it healed over and there's been zero drainage (even when there was it was like a drop on the bandaid after a more active day where things had swollen up).
The Dr. was pretty happy with everything and believes we should be in the clear. I asked about things to watch for, just in case, but my research had pretty much already revealed all of that. To quote the Dr, however:
"I'd be really surprised if this returns. We treated it really aggressively, and with the hardware out, it should be fine. You're not a high risk patient (no diabetes, smoking, and you're in good health overall), so I'd be really surprised if it ever came back."
Well, that's good news to hear. Granted, I've read enough about osteomyelitis to know that I can never consider myself 100% in the clear, and any weird issues in that area I need to keep an eye on and fight for proper diagnosis, but at least for now, it seems this may be a thing of the past.
My last doctor appointment is next week with my orthopedist, and I'm hoping that'll be the last time I have to see him - at least for this injury LOL!
I've been off the antibiotics for a month now (4 weeks), and nothing else was manifesting. The one small spot that was struggling to heal I believe was from a bit of dehiscement due to swelling and all the scar tissue in that area. I started supporting the skin there better, and it healed over and there's been zero drainage (even when there was it was like a drop on the bandaid after a more active day where things had swollen up).
The Dr. was pretty happy with everything and believes we should be in the clear. I asked about things to watch for, just in case, but my research had pretty much already revealed all of that. To quote the Dr, however:
"I'd be really surprised if this returns. We treated it really aggressively, and with the hardware out, it should be fine. You're not a high risk patient (no diabetes, smoking, and you're in good health overall), so I'd be really surprised if it ever came back."
Well, that's good news to hear. Granted, I've read enough about osteomyelitis to know that I can never consider myself 100% in the clear, and any weird issues in that area I need to keep an eye on and fight for proper diagnosis, but at least for now, it seems this may be a thing of the past.
My last doctor appointment is next week with my orthopedist, and I'm hoping that'll be the last time I have to see him - at least for this injury LOL!
Monday, October 16, 2017
Nearing the End *Hopefully*
It has been nearly 3 weeks since removing the hardware. The ID doc had me stop the oral antibiotics last Tuesday, which worked out well as I caught a stomach bug and wasn't keeping much down anyways that week.
All of the staples were removed, and things were looking pretty decent. There were a couple spots to keep an eye on, in particular a spot that looked like a bit of a blood blister, and one other spot that seemed to be struggling to heal 100% with swelling, but overall it looked good, so they were all removed.
It's been most of a week since then, and yesterday the scab that the blood blister was came off, and the skin underneath looked pretty good. The other little area seems to be healing fairly well as well, and made it through a long weekend at work without major incident.
I'm all signed up for the final round of the 2017 race season, and looking forward to getting back on a bike again after nearly a month off.
While I still have a "final" follow appointment next month with both my orthopedist and the ID doctor, it feels like this may finally be coming to a close. It will have been only a couple weeks shy of a full year from the day I broke my leg until my final doctor visits. I've learned a lot about a lot of things I didn't really want to know about, including pilon fractures, infections, osteomyelitis, IV antibiotics, PICC lines, multiple surgeries, external fixators, and the many things that go into all of those things including how to live alone with a broken leg.
It has been a long year. The good thing is, I've got pretty good use of my leg, and I'm able to start getting excited about the coming year and making plans on how I'm going to attack the next race season. The prospect is pretty exciting, and I'm glad to finally be excited about something with fewer "ifs" than I've had this entire year.
All of the staples were removed, and things were looking pretty decent. There were a couple spots to keep an eye on, in particular a spot that looked like a bit of a blood blister, and one other spot that seemed to be struggling to heal 100% with swelling, but overall it looked good, so they were all removed.
It's been most of a week since then, and yesterday the scab that the blood blister was came off, and the skin underneath looked pretty good. The other little area seems to be healing fairly well as well, and made it through a long weekend at work without major incident.
I'm all signed up for the final round of the 2017 race season, and looking forward to getting back on a bike again after nearly a month off.
While I still have a "final" follow appointment next month with both my orthopedist and the ID doctor, it feels like this may finally be coming to a close. It will have been only a couple weeks shy of a full year from the day I broke my leg until my final doctor visits. I've learned a lot about a lot of things I didn't really want to know about, including pilon fractures, infections, osteomyelitis, IV antibiotics, PICC lines, multiple surgeries, external fixators, and the many things that go into all of those things including how to live alone with a broken leg.
It has been a long year. The good thing is, I've got pretty good use of my leg, and I'm able to start getting excited about the coming year and making plans on how I'm going to attack the next race season. The prospect is pretty exciting, and I'm glad to finally be excited about something with fewer "ifs" than I've had this entire year.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Small Hardware Store
So I headed in for surgery to remove the hardware on my leg this past Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I was the last scheduled surgery that day, and they were running behind. I didn't go in until after 7pm...so needless to say, it was a late night.
Things apparently went smoothly enough, however, and I was in recovery and thinking about leaving by 9:30pm, with a baggie full of hardware to take home. I was released with "weight bearing as tolerated" and a warning to be extremely cautious about a fall or hard hit due to the swiss cheese that would be my bones - but, according to the doc, "normal" activity wouldn't hurt it. No plans to be on a bike of any variety for a couple weeks, so no worries there, just being careful while navigating the world.
Now it's basically a wait and see if things heal up quickly and nicely or if the infection starts acting up again. Of course, I'm *hoping* it will clear up 100% now that the hardware is out. Obviously he didn't find more damage when he was in there, so it appears the antibiotics at least kept it suppressed - hopefully the slice n dice doesn't give it a chance to act up. Still on the oral antibiotics, and see the ID doc the day after my post-op follow up. I'm slightly stressed, but glad that hardware is out and looking forward to being able to move forward.
Since there wasn't a bunch of bone damage, I've got 3 weeks from now (3 1/2 from the surgery) to heal up before the next race round, so IF things go well, it looks like I just might be able to make the last race of the year.
Things apparently went smoothly enough, however, and I was in recovery and thinking about leaving by 9:30pm, with a baggie full of hardware to take home. I was released with "weight bearing as tolerated" and a warning to be extremely cautious about a fall or hard hit due to the swiss cheese that would be my bones - but, according to the doc, "normal" activity wouldn't hurt it. No plans to be on a bike of any variety for a couple weeks, so no worries there, just being careful while navigating the world.
Now it's basically a wait and see if things heal up quickly and nicely or if the infection starts acting up again. Of course, I'm *hoping* it will clear up 100% now that the hardware is out. Obviously he didn't find more damage when he was in there, so it appears the antibiotics at least kept it suppressed - hopefully the slice n dice doesn't give it a chance to act up. Still on the oral antibiotics, and see the ID doc the day after my post-op follow up. I'm slightly stressed, but glad that hardware is out and looking forward to being able to move forward.
Since there wasn't a bunch of bone damage, I've got 3 weeks from now (3 1/2 from the surgery) to heal up before the next race round, so IF things go well, it looks like I just might be able to make the last race of the year.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Almost "Hardware Out" Time
Yesterday I headed in for my pre-op appointment for my hardware removal surgery in two weeks. By this time in two week I may be celebrating - or crying my eyes out. No idea which way that'll swing right now. The appointment went fine, but I'm ready to have this stuff out of my leg and at least give myself a fighting chance at beating this infection. It's not like it's manifesting externally at all - no swelling, redness, tenderness, even the miscoloration seems more like "normal" coloring for this kind of fracture than infection related - although, that being said, I've convinced myself some of it is infection related, which has me itching to get it out NOW.
Besides all of that though, things have been going fairly well. I'm back to working out, walking a couple miles is no big deal, I can even do some small hopping and short hobble runs. The rebuilding of the leg is slow, and my tendons and such are still needing to re-stretch out, but overall progress is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like (but I also know it's actually not too bad, technically speaking). Honestly, if I didn't KNOW there was an infection in there, and I wasn't taking a pill twice a day because of it, I'd be pretty happy with where things are at.
I've "met" a few people online who've had a pilon fracture that got infected - while I don't wish this on anyone, it's been nice to hear I'm not alone. These fractures are so rare to begin with, none the less when you add in the infection! None of them have lost their leg yet, and most still have hardware in there, so I'm crossing my fingers that this set back won't go the worst possible direction - still not counting on that, but sure am hoping for it.
Today is the second time I've worn my kitten heel shoes to work. Takes a little concentration, especially at first to not walk like a hobbled calf, but it's progress, and nice to feel like I at least "look" like a normal person (as long as no one looks too close at my scars).
Riding the leg is mixed, it definitely causes me problems on right hand corners, BUT, more time, rehab, strengthening, stretching, etc will help with the issues I'm experiencing.
Besides all of that though, things have been going fairly well. I'm back to working out, walking a couple miles is no big deal, I can even do some small hopping and short hobble runs. The rebuilding of the leg is slow, and my tendons and such are still needing to re-stretch out, but overall progress is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like (but I also know it's actually not too bad, technically speaking). Honestly, if I didn't KNOW there was an infection in there, and I wasn't taking a pill twice a day because of it, I'd be pretty happy with where things are at.
I've "met" a few people online who've had a pilon fracture that got infected - while I don't wish this on anyone, it's been nice to hear I'm not alone. These fractures are so rare to begin with, none the less when you add in the infection! None of them have lost their leg yet, and most still have hardware in there, so I'm crossing my fingers that this set back won't go the worst possible direction - still not counting on that, but sure am hoping for it.
Today is the second time I've worn my kitten heel shoes to work. Takes a little concentration, especially at first to not walk like a hobbled calf, but it's progress, and nice to feel like I at least "look" like a normal person (as long as no one looks too close at my scars).
Riding the leg is mixed, it definitely causes me problems on right hand corners, BUT, more time, rehab, strengthening, stretching, etc will help with the issues I'm experiencing.
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